


All of this past

by Lalalaartje



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Character Death, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Kid Fic, Lost Love, M/M, Neither Liam or Harry die, revisiting the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 10:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 96,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2689418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalalaartje/pseuds/Lalalaartje
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been almost twenty years since Liam has had contact with Harry, his ex-fiancé. He moved on and had a pretty good life. But one day, he decides to write to Harry, who is now a famous singer.<br/>Dear Harry. Will those two words be able to alter their lifes all over again? What happens when all of their past comes back up, good and bad?</p><p>This story has been posted before on Wattpad, but since I'm not a big fan of WP anymore, I decided to post it here.  Harry and Liam's past is based on a story by the very lovely Sanne who has taken down her WP account, so I can't link you there. You don't have to have read it to get this story though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Harry

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been written a good 2 years ago, when I was going through a rough patch myself and very much into The Foo Fighters, as you might notice throughout the story. It turned out to be a very emotional, and heartfelt story, truly my baby.   
> I might go back and edit it if and when I feel like it, for now I just wanted to get it up here.
> 
> Obviously, I don't own Liam, Harry or any of the other members of One Direction, I don't even know them and therefore anything other than their names and their looks is merely a product of my imagination.   
> I don't earn any money with writing fanfiction or anything else.

_Dear Harry,_

_How long has it been now? 19 years? Almost twenty, I think if I count it out. It’s a bit strange to write you this letter and send it to your management, hoping it will reach you through the stream of fan mail you’re probably getting every day now._

_It’s as if it was yesterday when we were spending almost all of our days together, in one of our bedrooms. I remember when you showed me it was you who wrote some of my favourite songs. I could hardly believe it, that shy, timid, hurt and vulnerable boy I had grown to love was actually a famous song writer._

_Harry, I want you to know I thoroughly enjoyed every second of every minute of every hour of every day we’ve spent together. I still feel sorry about that fight we had. It shouldn’t have ended that way. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have turned around and walked away. I shouldn’t have waited for you to come back to me. I shouldn’t have been too stubborn to pick up my phone and call you, so convinced of me being right in this situation where nobody ever could be right._

_I know I probably misinterpreted a lot of what happened or what didn’t happen, and I know I should’ve known better. I’ll call it blinded by jealousy. Something like that._

_It took me a while to get over it, over us. That night when you moved out of our apartment, I broke down. I know you think I wasn’t there when you came to get your things, but I was. I heard your voice mail saying you would come, I was too much of a coward to answer the phone, and I was even more of a coward, afraid to face you. I hid under the stairs in the hallway and I cried the entire time._

_I tried living in our flat for a little longer, but I couldn’t. Every single object or corner breathed your presence, or rather, your absence. I moved out two weeks later, letting most of our furniture for the next renters, a boy and a girl who were moving in together for the first time. They reminded me of us when we moved there, so I gave it to them for free, even our bed that you picked yourself because you loved the iron headboard so much._

_I moved back in with my father, how sad is that. Being 23 and moving back in with your dad. But I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t want to be alone, and my room was still the same as when I had left it so it was the easiest solution._

_The new renters forwarded me our mail. It hurt so much to find the folders from wedding venues, publicity for jewellers promoting their wedding rings. I even got a phone call from the store where we had made the appointment to pick out our suits. I forgot to cancel it. We would’ve gotten married that year. We would’ve started our very own happily ever after. But still, I stayed stubborn and never even texted you. The ever after came to a very premature end._

_I’m so sorry Harry. I really am. For all of it._

_It took me two more years to move on, to finally accept you wouldn’t come back to me anymore. I started going out again, with some friends I met at work. It was on one of these outings I met my future husband, David. Did I love him? Yes. With all my heart. Was it the same? No. Never. Did he make me forget you? Not even close._

_But he accepted it. He accepted that he would always be the next best thing. And he did his job well. We had good times together. And we raised three beautiful children. Well, it’s a never ending job, I suppose, but they truly are beautiful. We had them through a surrogate, his sister donated an egg and I’m their biological father. I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, if I still know you as well as I used to, I think you would probably tell me I’m giving you too many details right now. But anyway. Two girls and a boy. Jude, Kate and Samuel. Jude is almost 15 now, Kate 12 and Sam's 8. We would’ve celebrated our 15th anniversary this year, David and I. Would’ve, because I’ve lost him too. Not to an argument, but to a terrible illness that ate him alive. Almost literally. I feel guilty to have to put my children through the same thing I went through when I was a kid, even though I know it was not something I could help._

_I suppose those were the only times he really did make me forget about you, about what we once had. The grief was too big for me to let anything else in._

_Is it childish that I kept a scrapbook from our relationship? I was actually putting it together when we broke up, if I can call it that when we never officially said it, to give it to you on our wedding day. After you left, it was in one of the cardboard boxes that I left in my dad’s garage until I moved back out and in with David. I moved it again, but left it on the attic until I read about you in the paper. The famous song writer Harry Styles had taken up his own singing career. It made me go upstairs and take out the scrapbook again. I put every article I could find about you in it, cutting it out from the paper or a magazine. I think David knew about it, but he never asked or said anything about it. That’s how great he was._

_God, Harry, I don’t even know why I’m writing you this letter. What do I even expect? You never let out anything about your private life, but I’m pretty sure you’ve found someone else by now. Someone who appreciates you for who you are and who loves you at least as much as I did. As I still do. Don’t get me wrong, the last thing I want with this is to break up your relationship, if you have one, or disturb your life. I just need to get it off my chest, I suppose._

_I need to vent to someone, with David gone, and Jude coming home with her first boyfriend. It makes me wonder how come your mother reacted so well to me, all I want to do is rip the guy’s head off when I see him look at my daughter like that, and I’m pretty sure I had the same look in my eyes back then._

_Oh Harry, I wish I could do it all over again, although I don’t know what I would choose. I’ve regretted losing you every single minute, but I don’t regret what I got instead. I’ve loved David and he’s always been a wonderful husband to me, even in his last minutes he cared more about me and our children than about himself. And I love our children so much, I would give my life for them to be happy and to become the kind of people I want them to be._

_Harry. Haz. Can I still call you that? Do you have someone else calling you that now? I guess all I wanted to say is, no matter how much I’ve always loved you, no matter how much I’ve regretted how it ended between us, I’ve been happy. And I still am, in a way. Even though I feel a hole in my heart when I look at the other side of the bed, where something inside me still expects, or hopes, to find my husband. Even though I feel alone when the kids are in bed and there’s nothing else for me to do than watch tv or listen to some music. Most of the time it’s your music though, I have to admit it._

_David got me your first album for my birthday. Doesn’t that show how much he loved me, no matter what?_

_I like to look at the cover when it’s playing, and imagine your green eyes are actually watching me. That makes me sound like a silly teenage girl, doesn’t it? And it’s probably what millions of people around the world imagine when they look at that picture of you. But I remember how it feels when you lay your eyes on someone. How it made me feel warm and loved. And I’m not hurting anyone with just imagining that, right?_

_I’d better stop ranting, and quit writing this letter you’ll probably never even read. But please Harry, do know that I never, ever stopped loving you._

_Love,_

_Liam_


	2. Dear Liam

_Dear Liam,_

_First of all, I'm so sorry about that standard reply-postcard you got in your mail. It must"ve reinforced your feeling that I forgot all about you, which I havent. I have this secretary who replies to all fan mail with that card, and then she gives all of it to me, for when I feel like going through it. Yours was in a particularly large batch that laid in my study for quite a while, until I went through it on another night where nothing was on TV. Yours was the second letter I saw when I turned the bag upside down. At first, I didn't believe it was you, the Liam Payne who's address was scribbled on the back of the envelope, but I was intrigued and opened the letter anyway. I'm happy I did._

_Is is really twenty years now? It doesn't feel like that. I don't feel like that. But I've never been very fond of the idea of growing old, I'm sure you'll remember that one time when I thought I found a grey hair. I made you search through my curls for hours on end. Being 42 comes with a whole lot more grey hairs, thank God for hair dye._

_I'm glad to hear that you've lived a happy life. And that David of yours seems like one of a kind. It's good to see that you've found the love you always deserved to have. Even if that love was not me. And your children, I've always known you'd make a terrific father some day, and I'm sure you are now. Even though you feel sad about what they have to go through, they are lucky to still have you. I'm sorry for your loss Liam. I can't say I know how you feel, because I most definitely don't, but I hope you know I am sincerely sorry. I would've loved to meet him, the man that loved you so much, I'm sure I would've liked him, even if it's only for making you happy._

_I knew you were there when I came to get my things Liam, I heard you crying. But you weren't the only stubborn one. You can't take all the blame on you, I've had my share in our break up too. I could've come back to you, explained what happened and listened to what you thought that happened. I could've been the one to call you, more than only that one time to tell you when I was coming to get my stuff. I could've gotten you out from under that staircase, which is a very cliché place to hide, by the way. But I too was convinced I was right, but now I realise there was no right or wrong in that stupid argument. I shouldn't have let you walk away, but I did and I never had the guts to make up for it._

_That scrapbook, it's not childish. It's cute. I'm sure it would've been my favourite wedding gift. I can only imagine how much it hurt when you got all the information and promotion we'd requested for our wedding. In a way, I'm happy it came to you, because I don't think I could've handled it. I went to the church, you know. On the day that we were supposed to get married. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe I was hoping you would be there, that we could give us another chance, maybe even that you would've come to marry me after all. Even if we hadn't seen each other for over 9 months that day. There was another wedding going on when I arrived there, and some people assumed I was invited and got me inside. It was quite weird, being in a wedding ceremony for two people you've never met before. Especially because I couldn't stop thinking that it should've been us, in the front. Ironically enough, that wedding is where I met Emily. She gave me a tissue when she noticed me searching my pockets for my handkerchief that I of course left at home, as usual. It turned out she didn't want to be there either, it was one of her best friends getting married, but she hated the groom, and she was convinced their marriage wouldn't last long. She appeared to be right, they divorced a year later._

_We ended up talking after the ceremony, and she decided to sneak me into the wedding reception as her date, the groom's parents were paying anyway. We exchanged phone numbers that night, but it wasn't until I ran into her at the supermarket a few months later that we started dating. I would've proposed to her somewhere along the way, but she made it perfectly clear that she never wanted to get married. We did want children together though. We started talking about it around the time I was in the studio to record my first album, must be about 13 years ago now. At first, we had a lot of fun trying to get pregnant, but the fun soon was replaced by disappointment. I wanted to consult a doctor after a year and a half, but Emily didn't want that. She didn't want to be the one responsible for us not having children, even if that meant that we would never have any. I guess that was what drove us apart in the end. I've always wanted children, I'm sure you know that, remembering our discussions about names we would never give our kids, and she just didn't want it so badly. Somehow I started to blame her for us not having kids, subconsciously, and those last few months, we never did anything but fight. it was probably best for us to break up. It was a pretty clean break up, this one. We neatly devided our stuff. I got our cat, the next best thing to a kid, I suppose._

_I've never been in a long term relationship since then. A few months here and there, but nothing really serious. So that's how I ended up here, alone. Not that I want you to feel sorry for me, because after all, my life has been pretty incredible, travelling around the world and doing what I love the most, but sometimes I just wish there was more to come home to than my cat._

_I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who never forgot about us, who never stopped loving the other. Whatever happens Liam, I'd never be able to forget you or what we had. What you've done for me. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you. I would probably still be that shy, damaged boy I used to be, the silent song writer behind the hits. If I would've managed to write any other hits, that is. I'll be forever grateful for you finding me, and having faith in me. And for having the full DVD-collection of Friends. Who knows what would've happened if we didn't watch them together on your bed._

_Is is silly that it makes me feel happy when I read about you listening to my music when you're lonely? I feel like I can still be there for you that way, even though it's only through a CD._

_I'm not sure if you want to keep in contact after this, and I would've included my email address if I didn't know how much you love writing these old fashioned hand written letters. So I'll just let you my home address below, I'd be happy to hear from you some more, but you don't have to feel obliged to send me another letter._

_I still love you too, Liam._

_Love,_

_Haz_

_PS: nobody ever called me Haz, I wouldn't let them. It's something only you could._


	3. Dear Haz

_Dear Haz,_

_Thank you for replying to my letter. It got me that much needed ego-boost after finding the postcard earlier. Although I must admit it's a very lovely picture you're sending out to your fans, and I gave it a spot in the scrapbook I told you about. And I'm telling you that without even blushing, look at that._

_How could I forget about that supposedly grey hair of yours? I never saw it in the first place, but you made me search for any others for over four hours that night. You vain little man. Or is it really only your fright of growing old that makes you dye your hair now? I don't think so._

_I can't believe you still remember how I hate those horrible e-mail things, the kids always laugh at me when I'm writing a proper letter. They say I'm an old fashioned man for doing so. Well, whatever they say, I'm the one handing out their allowances so they know when to be nice again._

_David loved me writing letters, he kept every single on of them in a shoe box on the attic. I never even knew he did until I finally found the courage to go up and sort through his stuff a few months ago. He was a lazy man himself, he did send me letters back, but he typed them, he hated his handwriting and he would always have excuses about me not being able to read it if he would write them himself. The only handwritten things I still have from him are our wedding vows and a shopping list he wrote me two weeks before he passed away. He wanted cereal and bananas, like always._

_It is a cliché hiding place under the stairs, isn't it? It is where Sam hides whenever he has done something wrong too. Takes after his dad I suppose. Knowing that you actually heard my sobbing that day makes me even more embarrassed about it, and more sorry that I didn't come out to face you. Would we've gotten back together if we had talked that night? Would we've been able to put our pride aside? I don't know Haz. I really don't._

_You were at that wedding that day? I've seen them. I drove to the church and parked across the street, probably wondering about the same things that you did. Another missed opportunity for us to meet. It's almost too crazy to believe. I arrived when the last few people entered the church, maybe you were one of them, and I drove off again when I saw the bride in her enormous white dress coming out. It was as if I only realised then that it wasn't our wedding day, not any more._

_It's good to hear that you have loved someone too, although I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end. I know how much you wanted children, and I can't blame you for that. I can say they are the best things that ever happened to me. When you get to hold that little bundle for the first time... it's magic. It was even better than our wedding day, and I can honestly say that was the best day I ever had, until Jude's birth. I couldn't wrap my mind around it that this little human being was now ours, and it was kind of scary how vulnerable she was. You don't even get used to that feeling the second or third time, it's just as bad. All that to say, I'm sorry you never got to experience that Haz, you too would've made a magnificent father, and I'm sure your kids would've been happy to have you home after another tour._

_How is that by the way? Touring the world, having girls and women, and I'm sure there's some guys too, fall in front of your feet, adoring you? Did you learn to like the attention? I mean, I remember you even hated it when my father was talking to you at the dinner table for more than a few minutes. You were never one to be in the center of attention, if I remember correctly._

_Talking about my father, your CD was on when he came for dinner a few weeks ago, and he actually noticed the music for once. He said he liked it, and he couldn't believe it when I told him it was you. I had to show him the actual CD case and the booklet before he wanted to believe me. I told him about your letter, and he wanted me to say hi to you. So, hi from my dad. He always loved you too, once you dared to speak to him, that is. Before he just thought you were a strange boy, but I suppose he felt the same about me, so that doesn't mean so much._

_How are your parents doing now? I felt a bit guilty about never saying goodbye properly. They have always been so supportive of our relationship and I always felt like I was their second son. Could you pass them the message, maybe?_

_Turns out I was right about Jude's boyfriend. I should've ripped his head off the first time he showed up at our house after all. Apparently he asked her to some school prom, but dumped her the minute one of the 'sluttly cheerleaders' asked him out. And those were the words my daughter used, by the way. Seems like nothing much has changed in high school since we were there. Nothing as bad as seeing your own child heart broken, Haz, I swear. I always considered myself pretty good at comforting others, I mean, I have you to prove it after all, but Jude was just devastated. She always used to talk to David about these things. He was so much better at it than I am. I feel so lost without him sometimes Haz. When does that go away? When do you get used to being on your own again? When does it stop hurting to realise there's no coffee in the morning because he is dead? God, look at me, I'm crying again. No wonder the kids think I'm a nutcase. Good thing they still have David's family to go to when it all gets too overwhelming for me._

_How did I end up talking about this again? This was ment to be a happy letter, not one about me and my grief. It's been almost  an entire year without him now, and it still hurts so much. I'm sorry I'm telling you all this, you shouldn't have to read this, it's not up to you to comfort me and help me through this. These letters were only ever meant to let you know that I still love you and maybe try to get our old friendship back, from a distance. I'll just keep it at this Harry, and I won't hold it against you if you rather forget all about me now and never write me back._

_Love,_

_Li._

_PS: Li is still **your**  nickname too. _

 


	4. Li

_Li,_

_My dearest Li,_

_I want to appologise in advance for this letter being short. I have to leave in half an hour and I won't be at home for a little under two weeks, but I really wanted to reply to you. I promise I will get back to you when I'm back and I have caught up on sleep._

_I don't want you to feel like you're bothering me, ever. Still loving you means that I still want to be there for you. I know that we never got to that point where we promised it to each other, through the good and the bad, and even the ugly, but that doesn't mean I don't want to._

_Talking about the ugly, I blame you for my vanity. I never cared a bit about how I looked (okay, I did care, but I never did anything about it) until you helped me taming my mess of hair. And that's as close as you're going to get me to admitting that I dye my hair out of vanity._

_Oh Liam, my heart broke when I read your last letter. I wish I could tell you it goes away, and when it does, but I can't. I've only ever lost you and Emily, and both of those situations can't compare in any way with what you're going through. With Emily, it was weird because I suddenly was on my own again, after living with her for so many years, but the love had been gone for a long time. With you, I'm not sure if it ever went away. I sometimes still miss finding you leaning on the kitchen counter, even though you never even lived here. And I think about you every single time I curse at myself for not changing the garbage bag after I've taken it outside. You hated it when that happened, didn't you?_

_Listen Li, my driver is going to be here soon, but I just had this crazy idea, and I do understand if you don't want to. It's just that I'm having a concert not far from where you live now in a few weeks, and I could get you a ticket, if you want to. Or more, if you want to bring someone._

_Just, don't stop writing okay? And don't ever think that you're bothering me with it, please._

_I love you,_

_Haz_


	5. Dear Haz

_Dear Haz,_

_Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. And thank you for still wanting to be there for me. I can't thank you enough for that._

_I got the children to stay with David's sister for the weekend. I was just suffocating in my own grief, I couldn't handle it anymore. Tomorrow it will be one year without him. I can't believe it. One entire year. It's gone so fast, and yet so slow. Waking up without him, and going back to bed without him, those are still the most horrible moments of the day._

_I know you can't tell me if it will ever go away Harry, I don't expect you to. I'm just happy that you want to be there for me, that I can share it with someone. I don't want to put it on David's family, they're all still grieving his death, and I have to be there for the children myself, I don't want them to see me break down in front of them, they're too young, too vulnerable._

_I suppose my dad would understand, after all, he lost my mother too, but he never even talked about it when it just happened. He does the best he can, I know that, the way he puts his hand on my shoulder sometimes, or when he calls me at important moments, like the anniversary of our first date. I know he must have written all those things down because no father would remember that by himself. It shows he wants to be there for me, but him and me, we've never been much on talking terms when it comes to emotional things._

_So, that leaves me here, with you, or rather with the piece of paper I'll be sending to you._

_Do you remember that day when I took you to my mother's grave? I sure do, it was the first time I really noticed the changes in you. It was the first time you comforted me, and the first time you let me close to you. I still cherish that memory Haz. But what I wanted to say, David's grave is there too. It's still as beautiful as ever there. I went to visit them yesterday, after I took Jude, Kate and Sam to their aunt. They like it there, they have four cousins to play with, so they see it more as a treat than a punishment. I think Jude sees it though, how sad I am. She looks at me differently when it happens, and her hugs last longer. You would like her Haz, I'm so proud of the girl she's becoming._

_I told David about my letters to you. I know he would've been happy I've found someone to talk to. And he would've been happy that we found each other again. Even if he had to die for us to do so. I told you already how incredibly unselfish he was. I cried my eyes out yesterday, and some more this night in our -my- bed. Today it felt like all my tears were dried, and I just walked around in our empty house, feeling lost and alone, until I decided to sit down at my desk and write this letter._

_Did I tell you about the letter David left me? I don't remember if I did, so I'll tell it again. I've gone through our wardrobe a few weeks ago, to get rid of his clothes. He had a few hats, I don't even know why he kept them because he never wore them, so they were the first things I got out. Underneath them, I found an envelope. I'm not sure when and how he put it there, because I'm pretty sure I haven't left him alone for more than a quick shower or to make tea in those last days, but it was dated a week before he passed. It was so beautiful. He even wrote it himself, I think it's the first and only letter he ever wrote me by hand instead of typing it out. It must've cost him so much energy, which he never had those days. It basically said how much he loved me and how he wanted me to move on after his death. I'm not sure if I did move on, or if I ever will be capable of truly moving on. I don't think I have to explain to you how much I cried when I found it._

_About that concert, I knew about it, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle seeing you. That's why I never came to any of your concerts before. And I didn't want to make David uncomfortable by going, that too, although he wouldn't have made a problem out of it, I still felt like I would betray his good nature by doing so. I'm sure you understand._

_If you are sure you want to see me, then yes, I would love a ticket. I'll find a babysitter for the kids, or have them stay over at Kendra's again, we'll see what they want themselves._

_Thank you again, Harry, for everything._

_Lots of love,_

_Liam_


	6. Dear Li

_Dear Li,_

_I just got back from my two week mini-tour. I found your last letter on the floor, and I had to start my reply before I go to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am. I did make the effort of taking a shower first, for your information, I wouldn't want to send my awful tourbus-smell your way._

_Anyway, I didn't know it was the anniversary of David's death Liam. I hope you managed to make it through the day and the weekend. It's good that you can rely on Kendra to take the kids out of your hands every now and then, it's only normal that you need time to process your loss by yourself. But don't fool yourself Liam. If your kids are even half as smart as their dad, they know you are still sad, and it's perfectly fine to show them. Maybe I'm way out of line by telling you this, but wouldn't you want to be more on speaking terms with your children about your loss than you were with your dad? I don't mean to offend you by this, and after all I don't know a thing about the relationship you have with your kids, but it was just a thought when I read you didn't want them to see you like this. Although I do think it's good to protect them from some things. I'll just shut up about it now because I can't seem to get it down like I want it to and the last thing I want to do is upset you even more._

_Send my love to your dad Liam, I always appreciated him very much. I know he had his own ways of supporting our relationship, even if he wasn't as explicit in it compared to my parents, but we both know my mother has a tendency to go over the top in things like that, don't we? Oh, and please tell your dad I'm sorry I never said goodbye to him. I always felt that was one of the worst things about our very sudden break up. I think my mother was as heart broken about it as I was at the time. I even caught her crying at the kitchen table over our break up once, can you believe it?_

_I told her about our letters and passed on your message the other day when I called her, and she wanted me to tell you that you'll always be welcome with her, and the same thing goes for your children. So, to answer your question, my parents are doing perfectly fine. They moved out of our old house a couple of years ago, and are now living in the country side, where my mother grew up, but they haven't changed one bit. Except that my mother actually stopped dyeing her hair, around the same time I started it. Have I told you about Gemma already? She's still married to Glen, not that anyone doubted that they were meant for eternity, and they actually have the two sweetest kids you can imagine. I'm the godfather of their eldest, Ethan, but I can't keep myself from spoiling his sister Louise just as much. I'm glad at least Gemma gave my mother the grandchildren she wanted so badly. My dad never was one to care about those things, as long as the two of us are happy, but my mother never left any doubt about how much she wanted us to have kids. Gladly she was smart enough not to pressure Emily and me about having kids though, she and Emily never got along very well in the first place._

_About me being in the spotlights, you do remember correctly. I hate being the center of attention, I still do. The only reason why I manage to keep it up is because I have very strict rules about what the press can and can't do, and I'm lucky to have a management that makes it happen. You noticed correctly I don't let anything out about my private life, the only thing that makes being in the spotlights something I can handle is the fact that I can hide behind my guitar and my songs. Although even that gives away more than I really want so, sometimes._

_Of course I remember that day at your mother's grave Liam, it meant as much to me as it meant to you. I always enjoyed going to see her with you, even though that sounds a bit weird when you're talking about a graveyard, but it was always so quiet and peaceful there, as if the world outside just didn't exist. I know you felt the same about the place, so I'm happy for you that it's where David's buried too._

_How is Jude doing now? The good thing about high school romances is that the heartbreak usually doesn't last very long, although I'm hardly one to speak since we too met in high school. I can imagine it's hard for you to see her like that, I felt horrible when Gemma told me about Ethan's first heartbreak a couple of years ago, and he's not even my own kid, and I only heard about it and didn't have to witness it myself. I'm sure Jude missed David as much as you did at that time, but I'm also sure you did a good job at comforting her._

_I fell asleep on top of my paper yesterday, only to wake up in the middle of the night with a crooked neck, realising I really needed sleep first._

_Ethan and Louise just came by this morning, I can't believe Ethan is old enough for him to drive a car by now. They brought me my belated birthday present, as they wanted to wait until I was going to be at home for a longer time before I got it. It's the cutest black kitten you've ever seen. I called it Batman, only fair if you know my other cat is called Robin, isn't it? They're already cuddling on my bedroom floor as we speak. Or rather, as I write. The cats, I mean, not the kids._

_Did you manage to go through the rest of David's clothes when you found his letter? I can imagine I wouldn't be able to. Even though it seems pretty impossible now, I'm certain that you will find a way to move on, someday. If not for yourself or for David, then be it for your children. I can read in every line you write about them that they are very dear to you Liam, and I know they'll pull you through somehow. If only you'd let them._

_I'd love to meet them someday, maybe. But let's start off with the concert in a few weeks, shall we? I'll include your ticket with this letter, and I really look forward to seeing you again. I'll be on the lookout to spot you in the audience. I actually love playing in that club, I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's rather small and it has a very cosy feel to it. It allows interaction with the audience, and I love that. Even though if that means I have to stop hiding behind the songs sometimes._

_I'll leave you my phone number too, just so you can text me when anything comes up, or when you decide not to show. I won't hold it against you in any way, but I'd appreciate if you'd let me know anyway. I'll come and find you at the bar of the venue when the concert is finished if I hear nothing, okay? I really want to talk to you again, in person._

_See you very soon then, I guess,_

_Lots of love, and again I hope I didn't upset you with the bit about letting your kids in on your grief, I didn't mean to._

_Haz_


	7. Just a quick note

_Haz,_

_Just a quick note to let you know I will be there at the concert. The kids are staying at some friends' houses, so I won't have to worry about being home in time for the babysitter._

_You didn't offend me with your thoughts about sharing my grief with the kids, you actually made me think about it and I guess you're right. We had a talk about it a few weeks ago, why I needed some time alone that weekend, and it was actually good to share it with them. And to have them share their sadness with me. Because you were right, I don't want to become like my dad when it comes to talking about feelings. So thank you, for opening my eyes._

_I guess the next time we talk will be after your concert next Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it, and not only to finally hear you play live._

_Love,_

_Liam_


	8. The concert

I stood in front of our wardrobe, I still get to call it ours as long as David's clothes are still in it, right? Because no, after I found that letter, I never got around to sorting the rest of his stuff out. I didn't know what I should wear tonight, I had actually consulted my oldest daughter about it, who soon convinced me I shouldn't be wearing a suit. But what to wear then?

After doubting for another 15 minutes I realised I really had to make a decision if I wanted to take a shower before leaving. I heaved a sigh and went with a pair of black jeans that weren't too formal nor too casual, and a red shirt that had belonged to David. I straigthened my hair when I got out of the shower, as it was becoming too long and therefor curly without being long enough for the curls to actually look decent. I got downstairs where the kids were watching TV and ushered them to the car so I could drop them off at their different destinations before heading to the venue for the concert myself.

June gave me an approving nod as she noticed my choice of clothes and I chuckled at her. 

"Who knew your old man can actually look good huh?" I asked jokingly as I ran my hand through her hair.

"You're not old dad, and you look smashing. Have a good time tonight?" she replied before she gave me one of her warm hugs and got into the car, babbling away with her sister about the plans she made with her best friend for tonight. 

20 minutes later, I left Sam with his best friends mother and drove off with a wave at my youngest. It was a short drive before I arrived at the venue, and I was pretty early so I didn't have much trouble to find parking space. I took a deep breath before I pulled the car key out of the ignition, not sure if I was really prepared to see Harry again. After all, it had been 20 years, and we didn't even have any contact apart from those few letters. I hadn't dared to text him, although I did save his number in my phone. It just felt weird, the last time I had attempted to send him a text was on our wedding day. I had been sitting in my car all the time, writing a text message, erasing it and starting over. Until I saw the bride come out of the church, smiling like crazy. That's when I realised it was really over for Harry and I. I shut the messaging app on my phone and drove off, deleting the message when I arrived home.

I got out of the car, being my usual frantic self checking five times if I had locked it properly before heading towards the double doors to the concert hall. The woman who was there to check the tickets gave me a strange look, as it was over an hour before the concert would start but let me in anyway. There was nobody else to be found in the hallways, so I wandered around, taking a look at the posters for upcoming events and took a look at the table where a woman who looked a little younger than I was busied herself with unpacking cd's and postcards with Harry's face on it. I soon got bored, so I decided to try if I could get to my seat already. To my surprise, the young man at the doors actually let me in, even though there was still a sound check going on. I walked quickly to the seat that was indicated on my ticket and sat down. I hid in the darkness of the room as some technicians were trying out some lighting arrangements and a bearded guy walked up the stage to sound check the red accoustic guitar I recognised as Harry's from the pictures in his last CD booklet. I just sat there, waiting for the actual concert to begin and a bit surprised I was still the only one in the audience at the moment, even though I was really early. I smiled at the guitar-tuning man on stage when he played Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers and acted like he was in the band himself. I was caught completely off guard and my heart literally skipped a beat when  _he_ appeared on stage. Of course it made sense that his microphone needed to be synced, but I hadn't expected him to come up and do it himself. It figures though, he never was one to leave important matters to others.

He cleared his throat and asked someone named Mark if it was okay for him to sing. His voice hadn't changed a bit. I slumped down in my seat, although I knew very well that he wouldn't be able to see me in the dark room. He started singing a small bit I recognised as the first few lines of one of his first songs and I felt my stomach clench. It was so much more beautiful live than on the CD. And then looking at him while he sang it, I honestly didn't know if I would manage to sit this out all night. He made me feel like a 15 year old all over again, and he didn't even knew I was there now.

I released my breath when he disappeared off stage again and the lights switched on. It didn't take long before other people started flooding into the room, taking the seats around me until it was almost completely filled up. Soft music I recognised from one of Jude's CD's was playing in the background, until the lights went out, 10 minutes after the concert was supposed to begin. I braced myself, trying to prepare for what I was about to witness, not wanting the vicious blush on my face to return. It didn't keep me from gasping when he walked up to his spot behind the microphone though. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a blue dress shirt that brought out the colour of his eyes, making them stand out even more. He picked up his guitar and put the band around his shoulder while he took a seat on the bar stool that was set up for him, his usual cheeky smile crossing his face. I gulped as his familiar husky voice filled the room.

"Hi. Thank you all for coming here tonight. It's good to be here, I really love playing at this place. So, I hope you all have a blast as much as I'm planning to." And right after that, his fingers started moving on his guitar, producing the familiar chords of Stuck by Big Time Rush. I smiled. Could it be? Would he still remember that I liked that song the most when he showed me he wrote it? My heart rate settled, and I started to really enjoy his music. I was up for a good night, that was for sure.


	9. Times like these

I had only just arrived when I heard Dan tuning my guitar, I could imagine him pretending to be Red Hot Chili Peppers as he did so, just like he did every time. He came backstage, indicating I was the only one left for the sound check. It was just my usual routine, I'd sing a few lines and Mark would adjust the different channels on his sound panel. I got back into my dressing room to change and look over the set list for tonight one last time. I hadn't brought out a new album for a while now, so I'd just be playing songs from my four albums, mixed with a few covers I liked to play. It had been pretty much the same set list on the other concerts in the last few months, a few changes here and there, except for two songs I normally didn't play. I'd start with Stuck, although I didn't know if Liam would remember he had said it was his favourite on the first album I ever wrote, and the last song was a new one too. I wanted to go over the lyrics once more when a knock sounded on the door, followed by Dan sticking his head around the corner.

"Everyone's at their seat Styles, they're ready for you." I smiled and nodded, checking my pockets for extra guitar picks and grabbing a water bottle out of the freezer. I liked my water ice cold and the only way to achieve that under the burning stage lights was freeze them beforehand.

I walked upstage, immediately blinded by the spots and put up my on-stage face, as I grabbed my guitar, pushing the extra nerves due to Liam being in the audience back as I welcomed everyone. Glad I got that over with I started playing the first chords, feeling more at ease as the song progressed. 

I was pretty relieved to see I was only one more song away from the break, as my mouth got dry and my water was already long gone. I hadn't been able to spot Liam in the crowd so far, so I decided to check his seating arrangements when I got back in my dressing room. I finished the last song and told the audience I would be back in half an hour before heading back to my dressing room to change into a different shirt, as this one was drenched with sweat already. I decided to change my pants too, opting for a light grey jeans and a dark green button up shirt. Dan would come in and tell me when it was time for part two, so I slumped down on the couch, enjoying my alone time with a beer in hand, my phone in the other. I tried not to feel disappointed at the fact Liam hadn't texted me, and checked which ticket I had gotten him. He should be on the right side of the PA-box, a few rows to the front. I don't think I'd seen him there, but he had written me to let me know he'd be there, so unless some emergency had come up, I knew he would be. He wasn't one to just not show up. I pulled out the set list once again, going over the lyrics for my last song and repeating the hand settings on the guitar once more before I heard the bell indicating the end of the break. Soon after, Dan came by to tell me it was time to go back up.

I skipped the introductions this time and just started to play the next song, biting back the nerves for the last one. Time flew by actually, the audience seemed to love what I was doing and sung along to the songs they knew, which was almost every single one. About 45 minutes after the start of the second part, I glanced at the paper with the set list on it and gulped.

"So, I'm already at the end of this evenings's concert. At first I would like to thank you all again for being here and for making this such a great night." My eyes wandered the crowd again, I still hadn't spotted Liam, in fact I had been too scared to search some more, afraid I wouldn't be able to continue singing the song I was at if I did. I looked at the area he was supposed to be in, and suddenly my eyes found a familiar face amongst the anonymous fans. I swallowed the lump that  had formed and cleared my throat before I could go on. "I've actually never performed this last song live before, so I hope everything goes well, bare with me if it doesn't." I was met by a few chuckles from the crowd and I could swear I saw a smile twitching on  _his_ lips. "I would like to dedicate it to someone who's really special to me. You'll learn to live again." 

I blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall and concentrated on my guitar, letting the first few notes flow out of my hands, gaining courage as my cue to start singing neared. I looked up and tried to make eye contact with Liam, although it was pretty hard with the lights shining into my eyes. 

_I am a one way motorway_  
 _I'm the one that drives away_  
 _Then follows you back home_  
 _I am a street light shining_  
 _I'm a wild light blinding bright_  
 _Burning off alone_  
  
 _It's times like these you learn to live again_  
 _It's times like these you give and give again_  
 _It's times like these you learn to love again_  
 _It's times like these time and time again_  
  
 _I am a new day rising_  
 _I'm a brand new sky_  
 _To hang the stars upon tonight_  
 _I am a little divided_  
 _Do I stay or run away_  
 _And leave it all behind?_  
  
 _It's times like these you learn to live again_  
 _It's times like these you give and give again_  
 _It's times like these you learn to love again_  
 _It's times like these time and time again_

I finished the last chords and looked around the venue as silence fell over me like a heavy blanket before applause erupted from the crowd. I felt a blush rise on my cheeks and tried to cover it up with my signature smirk, as my eyes sought Liam's again. The people around him had raised from their seats, and for a second I thought he didn't find it good enough to stand up, but then I saw him wipe his eyes before he mimicked their actions. I smiled at him, a genuine smile I rarely ever show on stage, and turned back to the rest of the crowd to say my goodbyes and thank yous to my crew before getting back into my dressing room, notifying Dan that I wouldn't be doing any encores today. I was emotionally drained from this last song. 

I took a shower, taking my time to wash the sweat out of my curls and rinsing them as well as I could in the crappy shower. I decided to let them airdry as I put my usual off stage clothes back on: black skinny jeans and a worn out band T-shirt. I was pretty sure the bar would be almost empty by the time I looked in the mirror, adjusting my curls. Well, I guess Liam was right about my vanity, but I just wanted to look decent to face my ex-fiancé for the first time in twenty years, that's not so weird, right?

I walked out and greeted a few people who were on their way out of the venue, telling me they loved the gig tonight. I smiled and was the polite gent like my mother raised me to be before I finally ended up at the bar, that was indeed almost empty by now. I noticed his familiar posture sitting on a bar stool and leaning over the bar, his back turned towards me, fiddling with his fingers. I chuckled, he still had that same nervous habit, apparently. I pushed back a strand of curls and took a deep breath before I walked over to him, my eyes trained on his back the entire time.

"Liam." was all I said, I couldn't think of another way of greeting him. What  _do_ you say to your ex-fiancé after so many years? Hello? Hi? Nice to see you? Hey? So I just went with Liam. It caused him to jump anyway as I laid my hand on his shoulder. He turned around and gulped visibly as I smiled at him.

"Harry." Seems like he didn't know either which greeting was most suitable for a situation like ours. 

I doubted if I should kiss him on the cheek, shake his hand or hug him. I dismissed shaking his hand as soon as it popped into my mind, that was just... not right. We ended up with a small , a bit awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek after a few seconds.

"Did you... did you like that last song?" I muttered as I took a seat on the stool next to him, signalling to the bartender I wanted a beer. 

"Yeah, I did. Thank you. Really." He took the last sip of his glass, and notified the bartender he wanted another one, gini, I think it was. Such a responsible adult. 

We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us just sipping our drink as my mind dazed with thoughts about what to say next. 

"It was a good concert tonight, I enjoyed it." he finally said, making me smile and decide to skip the polite and awkward part.

"How are you doing Liam, really?"

He flashed his half smile at me before looking back down at his hand clutching around his glass.

"I'm... okay, I guess. Been better, but been worse too." I nodded, knowing the ice had been broken and we could finally start talking for real now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should watch this: http://youtu.be/mVm8jPBhmMU


	10. We meet again

"I'm... okay, I guess. Been better, but been worse too." It wasn't a lie. It wouldn't make sense to lie to him, because he would probably see right through it. Even though it had been ages since we'd last seen each other, he was the first one who knew absolutely everything about me. Like when I felt bad, or when I lied. Or when I needed to be alone. He looked pretty much the same as he used to. He had aged a bit in his face, but not too much, and I suppose his dyed hair covered up for a part of the aging. He still had that same cheeky grin that made his dimples show, I was sure he could make women faint over it. But he also still had his genuine smile. I could tell it wasn't one he showed much when he was out in public, but I had seen it earlier, when he had finished his last song.

"How are you Harry?" I really wanted to know, and the look in his eyes showed me he would tell me the truth anyway.

"Tired. It's just... draining sometimes, going on stage and playing almost 2 hours worth of songs all by yourself. But other than that, I'm good." He seemed to realise it only when he said it, a small smile pulling on his lips. Both of us sat looking at the bar, or at our hands holding on to our glasses. It didn't feel awkward to be here though, spending time with him again actually felt comfortable, comforting even, maybe. Even if we sat in silence for minutes.

I started turning my glass around between my fingers, making it swirl through the wet patches on the bar, creating a large trail of water. He put his hand on mine, making me stop and looked me in the eyes. I gulped. The intensity of his look was overwhelming.

"Sorry," was all he said, returning his gaze to his hand. He seemed to think that he had crossed a line, which I didn't agree with but I didn't know how to say so.

"Do you... Do you really think I'll learn to live again?" I asked him softly. He looked up, his eyes warm and soft.

"Of course. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week or even next year. But you're strong Liam. You've always been. You'll get through this somehow."

"I don't know Harry. It's so fucking hard. Not only losing the one you love." A humourless chuckle left my lips. "I've done that before, but this time, it seems even harder. Or maybe I've just forgotten how hard it was back then. But still. We had a life together. The five of us. And now I'm stuck on my own. I sometimes wonder how I made it through the day when I get to bed in the evening. And it doesn't even have to be a extraordinary day, just the usual routine of getting the kids to school, go to work, cook, clean, check on their homework, bring them to football practice or art academy or whatever it is, get them to bed in time without feeling like I have hardly spoken to them. And then, when they're all in bed and the kitchen is tidy again and I can walk around in the bathroom without stumbling over their clothes, towels and make up, there's the silence. That's even worse than running around all day and not knowing what to do first. Him not being there to talk to, not being able to listen to his stories about his day. I hate the fact that I can hardly remember his voice. There's pictures and videos and everything, but it's all so different from how he really was." I stopped talking, suddenly ashamed of my rant about David. I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to ruin tonight by talking only about my loss, about how I missed him. It wasn't fair on Harry. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry for talking about him Li. I don't mind. I really don't."

"No, I shouldn't be putting this on you, again. Not now anyway. Tell me something happy." I pushed away the sadness that always came over me when I thought about losing him, not wanting to feel it right now, even though I knew it would come back when I was in bed, alone.

He chuckled. "Something happy?"

"Yeah, about your cats or something. I mean, Batman? Really Haz?"

"Hey! That makes perfectly good sense! He's black, and the other one is called Robin anyway. Now they only need a bat cave."

I snickered and shook my head at his cheekiness. "The worst thing of it all is that I can actually see you building one for them."

"Uh. No. Not at all." he replied, a blush tinting his cheeks.

"You're kidding right?"

He bit his lip as he looked up, a sparkle in his green eyes. "Gemma said she'd take me to a shrink if I did, so I decided against it."

I let out a laugh, surprising myself with the sound. He smiled at me, before he noticed my glass was empty, as well as his, and he ordered another round from the bartender.

"It's the last one guys, I'm closing up soon." he warned as he put our drinks down on the bar.

"How is Gemma?"

"Great. She's still teaching English in college, she stopped teaching for a while when Ethan and Louise were little, but she missed it too much, so she went back when they both had started school. These kids, I swear, they're the best. Wish they were mine."

"Na-ah. You're only saying that because you haven't met mine." I teased, emptying my glass as the bartender was shooting us dirty looks for the last five minutes.

He grinned, slamming his own glass on the bar as he drank half of his beer in one go. "If they're anything like you, I'm sure they'd give Ethan and Louise a run for their money Li. What do you say about going for another drink?"

"I don't know Harry, it's late and..."

"And the kids are on a sleep over so you have time. Come on, stop being the responsible adult for a bit Li. I want to talk some more. Please?"

His pout looked more ridiculous than anything else, but I gave in anyway. He was right, nobody was waiting for me at home, so why not enjoy this for a little bit longer?

"Good boy!" I shot him a glare as he ruffled my hair. "Are you hungry? I am actually. I know a nice place down the road, come on!"

I chuckled at his enthusiasm and jumped off my bar stool to catch up with him, already halfway down the hall.

 

 

 


	11. Talking

I had a realy hard time trying to get my spaghetti around my fork and into mouth as Liam kept on asking if I was sure I wanted to eat that. I kept on giggling, partly due to the 6 beers I had at the time. I always used to do that to him when my food was already long gone and he was still eating, in the end he would give up and shove his plate my way, getting some toast or something for himself if he was still hungry.

"Liam, shut up! Yes I want to eat it, but I'm going to shove it in your shirt if you keep going on like that!"

"It's only fair I take revenge after all these years, don't you think?"

"True." I admitted, still chuckling lightly as I finally managed to get another bite into my mouth.

"Are you happy Haz?" I was taken by surprise by his question, not expecting such a serious turn of the conversation after the laughing and reminiscing about silly memories.

I thought about it. "Yeah. I am. I won't say I don't regret how some things in my life went, but after all, yes, I'm happy."

"What would you change if you could?"

"Apart from us breaking up? I'd make myself realise sooner that Emily and I weren't meant to be, so I would maybe have a chance to find someone else, and to have kids."

"Do you ever feel lonely?" his eyes were fixed on my face, staring intently while I finished my meal. He had switched to mineral water, insisting he couldn't drink any alcohol because he was driving. I had smirked and teased him with it, saying he always had to be the responsible one, but secretly I admired him for it. He had it together, even if it was ripped apart by David passing away. 

"Not as long as I'm performing, or when I'm tired from performing. And most of the time when I'm around my family. But when I come home and there's only two cats to keep me company, and nothing else to eat but a frozen lasagne? Or when it's Christmas or New Years eve and everyone else has someone to share with? Yeah, I feel lonely."

He nodded, a dreamy look in his eyes. "David got us Christmas presents last Christmas. It was really weird to get them in the mail. He got the kids a games console, they had been nagging us about it for ages, but David never wanted them to have one. He said it was antisocial and they already spent enough time on their computers. In the end, I didn't even care, every minute they kept to themselves was a minute I could spend with David. Selfish, isn't it?"

I put my hand on his, causing him to look me in the eyes as I shook my head. "It's not selfish Li."

"Well, whatever, David still didn't want one, so they didn't get one. And after his death, I was happy to have them around as much as possible, keeping me busy and distracted. And now they have one, they hardly ever use it."

"What did he get for you?"

He let out a breathy chuckle. "A new winter coat I'd seen the year before but I didn't want to buy it because it was really expensive, and we needed all of our money for his treatment. I think I was more angry than happy when I unwrapped it. And then I didn't want to wear it all winter because he had bought it for me. It was bad enough that his scent had been long gone from the sheets and his clothes, so I didn't want this to be ruined too."

"A scent wears off sooner than you think, doesn't it?" I replied, causing him to look up at me, surprised.

"You never wondered what happened to your black Fruit of the Loom hoodie? The one you always wore when we stayed in to watch TV."

"Yeah! It was my favourite! I figured I must've lost it with moving?"

"I might've stolen it. It wasn't on purpose, somehow it got into my bag of clothes, and I just didn't want to give it back when I found it. I wore it for three days straight, but then I got scared it would start to smell of me instead of you, so I just used it as a cuddle blanket. But after a few weeks, it smelled just like everything else in my room." 

He smiled shyly. "I might've kept your Calvin&Hobbes boxers. And wore them until they were so worn out they didn't really qualify as underpants anymore."

"My lucky rocketship boxers? I knew I must've forgotten them! I made mum buy me a new pair though. I needed them!"

"Oh God Harry, don't remind me of how I needed to pull them out of your hands if they needed to be washed. You would've worn them for a week without washing. You were so gross sometimes."

"Well at least I wasn't the one who ordened our CD's alphabetically!" I retorted, trying to win this while I knew I couldn't. 

"At least I didn't smell like a homeless man because of that."

"I didn't! It wasn't that bad!"

He chuckled, finishing his drink and suppressing a yawn.

"I missed you Liam." I looked into his warm brown eyes and longed to find that same love that used to lie in them. It was something else that shone from them, something I couldn't lay my finger upon.

"I missed you too Harry. I really did. But I should be heading home, it's late and I've got to go watch Sam's football match tomorrow. He's terrible at it, but at least he likes it."

I nodded, ignoring the sad feeling that shot through me at the tought of him leaving already.

"Do you want me to drop you off somewhere?"

"You don't have to, it would be a detour. I can take a taxi or something."

"Don't be silly, come on, I'll get you home."

He got up and pulled his coat on, searching his pockets for money to pay for his drinks.

"Leave it Liam, I've got it. Consider it money for your gas or something."

I signalled the waitress to come over and paid our bill, pulling on my own coat while she got me my change. I was happy it was a chilly night, giving me an excuse to bury my hands in the pockets of my coat so I didn't have to keep myself from touching him the entire time. I'm just a touchy feely guy, okay?

The drive to my house was silent, Damien Rice playing in the background, only being disturbed by my directions. It took us a little under half an hour to get there, and I was sorry when we drove up my street. He stopped in front of my house and turned the motor off.

I hesitated for a few seconds if I should ask him to come inside, but finally decided against it. 

"I really had a great time tonight Liam. We should do it again."

"Yes, me too."

"Call me soon? I'm not playing as many gigs at the moment and I'm not going into the studio for at least three more months."

"I will Haz. Thanks for tonight. I'll send you a text with my number, so you can call me if you think I wait to long."

I smiled and leaned in to hug him and press a lingering kiss on his cheek.

"Thanks for coming tonight." I whispered before pulling back and getting out of the car, turning around once I unlocked my front door to wave at him and watch how his car turned the corner.

 

 


	12. Home

I pushed the off button as soon as Harry left the car. Damien Rice was becoming too much to handle at the moment. Too many emotions were already swirling around my body, making me dizzy and confused. I got home on automatic pilot, only realising I arrived when I pulled up our drive way. I swallowed at the sight of the dark windows, would I ever get used to that? 

I left my shoes underneath the stairs and hung my coat over the banister, very unlike me not to put them where they belong, but I didn't bother for once. I went upstairs, making a stop in the bathroom to brush my teeth and get a glass of water, before opening the door to our -my- bedroom. I smiled at the family photos that were set on the nightstands. One of our wedding pictures stood on one of them, sided by a picture from our last family holiday, before David got  _really_ sick. It didn't seem so bad back then. He had felt a little under the weather before we left, but nothing extremely worrying. He had a scan taken the day before we left, our GP had assured us it was just a formality, a precaution. Turns out it were the last careless weeks of our relationship. We were both grinning, holding hands and arms wrapped around the kids. Sam was only 5 back then, he would turn 6 in November. Jude found herself such a grown up back then, while she was only 12, and Kate really was still a careless little girl, three weeks after her 10th birthday. David's illness reflected the most on her, I think, she became more serious, a bit like me when my mum had passed away.

I sighed at the memories, it had been a great holiday, lots of sun, sand and sea, but most of all a lot of fun and fooling around. I chuckled at the thought of what David had said when we booked the hotel.

_"Come on Liam, the kids are old enough to share a hotel room by themselves. Please? It's been years since we've had sex on holiday, apart from a quickie in the shower." I hesitated, Sam was still pretty young, and although Jude pretended to be an adult and she was pretty responsible, I wasn't sure if we could leave her kind of in charge of her siblings, even if we were only down the hall._

_We were laying on our bed with the laptop, heads towards the back end as we laid on our stomach._

_"Look, it doesn't even cost that much more, please Liam?" He got up on his knees and turned me around, his legs straddling my hips as he leaned down. "Come on, you know what you do to me when I have to watch you walk around in your swimming shorts all day and I get to do no touching." His lips grazed my earlobe as he used his husky, groany voice of which he knew it could turn me on in a second. I pushed him off of me before he'd take it too far. It was a Sunday morning and the kids were only downstairs watching a movie, it wouldn't be long before they would come running upstairs, whining for breakfast, other than the cereal that were probably all over the kitchen floor by then._

_"Fine. We'll take seperate rooms. But you do realise you're setting a high standard for the Spanish nights, right?" I winked at him and proceeded booking the trip, only shutting the laptop down a minute before three pair of feet were heard on the stairs._

I dropped my clothes on the floor and changed into my pyjama bottoms before pulling the sheets back and falling down on the mattress. He sure lived up to the high standard that holiday, I had nothing to complain about. I turned around to take another look at the picture on the other side of the bed. He had requested I would put it there, he wanted to look at it when he was spending most of his days in here. In the end he could hardly get out of bed to take a shower. 

I shrugged off the nasty memories and picked up my phone I had thrown on the bed earlier, plugging it into the charger before opening the messaging app and sending Harry a text like I had promised. 

_I had a great time tonight, thanks. Love, Li._

The screen turned black when I pressed the power button after setting my alarm for only 5 hours later. 

I walked down the stairs, picking up my coat where I'd left it the day before before I took my shoes to the shoe rack under the coat hanger and picking up my sneakers. No need to ruin my perfectly good shoes on a muddy football field. I got back up from tying my laces when I heard a key being turned around in the lock before the door opened, revealing my two smiling daughters.

"You girls are back early?! Did Maura drop you off?"

"No, we came walking, we wanted to join you to Sam's football match, if that's okay?"

I was surprised, it was nothing like them to be up this early on a Sunday morning, let alone come with me to Sam's match. As far as I recalled they both loathed football.

"Sure, but change your shoes Jude, these are brand new and I don't want them to be ruined from the mud." She rolled her eyes at me but did as I asked before following me and Kate outside to the car. Sam seemed as surprised as I had been to see his sisters with me but shot them a big grin before he ran off again to his position in the middle of the field. I noticed he was actually getting better at football, he even managed to touch the ball a few times. Too bad he was too occupied by grinning and waving at me to make sure I'd seen it so he had lost it only seconds later. It was fun to watch him play though, he didn't care a bit that he sucked at it, he just enjoyed playing with his friends and looked as if he was having the time of his life. It was something I surely admired about him, if I played any game, I was in it to win it, and I hated it if it was perfectly clear I wouldn't be able to achieve that. 

I chuckled at my son who came running off the field when the match had ended, mud all over his legs and even his face as he hugged me tight. "Did you see me dad? I almost scored a goal!"

"Of course I saw you buddy, you played so well today! Why don't you go and shower so we can go out for lunch together?" 

"Can we go to McDonalds?" The pleading look in his eyes was mimicked by his older sisters in a split second.

"Please dad? Pretty pretty please?" Kate added sweetly, batting her eye lashes like only she could. 

"Fine, for only this once." I sighed, trying hard not to smile, not wanting them to know I was already planning on taking them there.

"Yes!" Sam high-fived Kate and June before turning around and running towards the dressing room, tripping over his own feet on the way there. He fell in the muddy grass, face first but scrambled to his feet and yelled "I'm okay!" before continuing his way. I shook my head and turned to Jude and Kate as we waited for Sam to return. They were both discussing some movie they wanted to see when it came out in a few weeks, so I tuned out, not really wanting to hear my daughters gush over some 'really hot guy' who played in it. 

"Dad?" I looked at Jude who was biting her lip, what was it that she needed now?

"Yes sweetie?"

"Are you going to see daddy today? I mean, you usually go there on Sundays, don't you?"

"Uhm, I don't know, I was thinking to spend the rest of the day with you guys, why?"

"Could we come with you? We didn't go last month and... well, we kind of wanted to go see him. Since it's been a year and all."

I swallowed, suddenly realising I hadn't even asked them if they wanted to go to his grave, I had just assumed they didn't. 

"Sure, as long as Sam wants to come too." I nodded, pulling the two girls close to me, enjoying their one armed hug. "We can't leave him home all by himself."

"We already asked him yesterday, and he said he wanted to go too."

"Well okay, then, but let's get you guys some greasy junk food first, yeah?"  I let go of the girls and swooped Sam into my arms as he came running towards us, still streaks of dried mud on his face. 

"Dad! Put me down! I'm not a baby!" he whined, but secretly he locked his legs around my waist letting me know he did enjoy the cuddle. 

Twenty minutes later, I was watching the three of them quarrelling about who had stolen who's fries  but I decided to just stay out of it, as long as they didn't kill each other. I made their day buying them an ice cream before we headed back to the car for the 20 minute drive to the graveyard. It had been ages since I'd been there with the kids, I knew Kendra had taken them there a few times, but I didn't want them to see me crying so most of the time I went alone. I smiled down at Kate as she wrapped her arm around my waist, leaning in to my side as we walked the familiar way to David's grave. Sam was running in front of us, giggling at the butterflies that were flying around. Jude shook her head, rolling her eyes like the obnoxious teen she was supposed to be while she reached out for my hand. I pulled her closer and put my arm around her shoulder, walking down the path with both of my girls by my side.

"Sorry I didn't take you sooner girls."

"It's fine dad, thanks for taking us now." Kate answered, looking up at me smiling. I pressed a kiss on her forehead as we arrived at our destination. 

I wondered if I would ever get used to reading the inscription on the stone in front of me but was soon pulled out of my thoughts when I heard Sam babbling to David.

"Can you believe it daddy? I almost scored at football today! Maybe when I grow up I can go play at Man U. They'd want to have me, right? I'd be famous and I would buy us a big house to live in, with a swimming pool outside and everything. And I would point to the sky every time I score, and tell everyone it's all for you."

I smiled at his cuteness and ruffled his hair as he got up to stand by our side. "Do you guys want some alone time?" I asked, pulling them impossibly closer. Sam shrugged and leaned into my legs as the girls both shook their head before resting it on my chest. We just stood there for a few minutes before they got fidgetty, signalling me they had had enough for today.

"We miss you daddy." both Jude and Kate said before we turned around, followed by a "yeah, me too," from Sam.

The Sunday night was concluded with a game of Monopoly before I took Sam to bed with a story. Jude and Kate were playing a video game when I came back downstairs to do the dishes. Once the kitchen was back to its original state, I warned Kate about her bath- and bedtime and took out my laptop as I sat down at the kitchen table. I had decided it would maybe be a good idea to book us a family holiday after all. We hadn't had one for two years in a row, first with David being sick and all our money going to the hospital and his meds, and last year, I just couldn't, not without him.

The summer holidays were only three months away, but I found a nice looking cottage in the south of France, air fare rates pretty reasonable if I booked it soon enough. I decided to ask the kids about it tomorrow night after school and put the screen down again. Kate skipped past me and pressed a good night kiss on my cheek. 

"Night dad. I had fun today."

"Me too Kate, sweet dreams." I replied smiling.

I followed her into the living room where Jude was still playing a video game and yawned, suddenly realising I was dead tired from the weekend.

"I'm going up to bed too Jude, make sure you get to bed in time okay, you have school tomorrow."

"Yes dad." she rolled her eyes at me.

"Jude, I'm serious, no more than an hour. I trust you on this, but no more video games if you prove me wrong tomorrow morning."

"Fine! I'll be in bed in an hour, don't worry."

"Good." I pressed a kiss on her hair and ruffled it before I got upstairs. Sam was already sound asleep, murmuring something about Man U in his dreams and Kate just crawled into bed as I checked on her.

"Night dad!" she smiled and waved at me.

I changed and got into bed, plugging my phone into the socket to set my alarm. I noticed I had a text message from Harry, sent around 2pm.

_Urgh, hangover becomes even more of a bitch when you get older. Totally worth it though, loved it yesterday. X Haz_

I chuckled and sent him a reply before turning my phone off again.

_Well don't you wish you had been more of a responsible adult now? You old man who can't handle his booze. Love, Li._


	13. Would you?

I had texted Liam back that I refused to be called old, and I could handle my booze still very well before I put down my guitar. I had attempted to write some new songs all day long, but I hadn't been able to get something good out of my hands. My mind kept spinning with thoughts about yesterday. What was this feeling that showed up as soon as I laid eyes on Liam in the bar? I told myself over and over that we were only friends and our love story was far behind us, but his brown eyes kept on popping up in my head. I had given up, and went to watch a corny movie on tv as I drank the last few glasses of whiskey from the bottle I had gotten myself for my birthday.

The confusion didn't wear off when I got to bed, but I was hazy enough from the alcohol to fall asleep before I could start contemplating it some more.

_"Harry, do you really have to go? Again? We've barely even seen each other over the last month! We've got to decide on a date for our wedding and I want to take a look at the guest list too." I sighed before I replied._

_"Liam, you know I have to go. It's my fucking job. I can't help it that they want me around for the album recording okay. Just stop trying to make me feel guilty." I stormed out of our apartment, not even caring if I hurt him. I ran out to the car as fast as I could to avoid the hard rain soaking me completely and lent over the wheel for a second. Maybe I overreacted, but he did too. He knew it was my job and I couldn't help it this last month had been particularly busy either. I drove off to the studio, soon forgetting about the argument as we started working. When we finally finished what we'd wanted to finish today, it appeared to be pretty late, as the orange street lights were shining through the window. I turned my phone on again and checked my voice mail. No new messages. I felt guilty for leaving Liam like that, so I called him. I wanted to ask him to come out for dinner, but landed on his voice mail. Some of the others asked if I wanted to come to a bar, but I decided to go home and see Liam, I missed him too, and I wanted to make up for earlier._

_  
_I woke up, sweating profusely and feeling bad. _That dream again._ I hadn't had it in at least 15 years, it was the fight that started it all, all of the misunderstandings, confusion and bottled up anger. The one that ultimately led up to  _the fight._ The one were Liam had broken down, started yelling and finally walked away. And I didn't stop him. I rubbed my hands on my face, it was only 5am but I wouldn't be able to sleep again, that was for sure. I swung my legs out of the bed and went to the bathroom for a nice long shower. 

The rest of the day was spent with trying to write some more songs, going through the things I'd written before and dismissing half of it. By dinner time, I had given up on it, having no more than two verses written on the paper in front of me. I couldn't get that dream out of my head. I called for a pizza delivery and fell down on the couch, my feet on the armrest as I stretched out, head on a pillow. I played with my phone, contemplating if I should call Liam, but then again it was dinner time and he would probably be busy with his family, and he said he would call me later. I decided to text him instead, being less invasive but letting him know I wanted to keep in touch anyway.

_Hope your day was more productive than mine. If this keeps up I'm going to the studio with three songs to record. Crappy day! X Haz_

The doorbell sounded so I dragged myself off the couch, searching my pockets for my wallet so I could pay the delivery boy, who appeared to be a delivery girl once I opened the door. I didn't even bother to smile at her when I gave her the 10 pound note, telling her to keep the change before I slammed the door in her face. Told you I had a crappy day. I had to struggle with the cats to keep the pizza for myself, a reminder I hadn't actually fed them since last night. I got them some food and laid down on the couch again, not really watching the reality show that was on TV. I woke up to  a loud commercial a few hours later, my phone buzzing next to my head. Another text from Liam.

_You could call it productive. Booked the first family holiday without David. Torn between excitement and grief. Love, Li_

I bit my lip, unsure if I could, or should call him, if he needed someone, and if that someone would be me. I searched for his name in my contacts and my thumb was hovering over the call button when the phone started buzzing again. I was startled and almost let it fly through the room. I only just managed to catch it mid-air and took the call, forgetting to check the caller-ID.

"Hello?"

"Haz?" His voice was soft and sounded broken.

"Liam? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. No. Well. Not really. I decided to take the kids on holiday again this year, we haven't been anywhere for the last two years, with David being sick first and then he only just died, and it seemed like a good idea."

"Why wouldn't it be? Didn't the kids like the idea?"

"Oh they did, they were over the moon when I showed them the holiday home I wanted to book."

"What's up then Li?"

"I just realised I'll be doing this all by myself too. I know it's stupid because I'm doing everything my myself for over a year now, but it still hurts." I could hear him stifling a sob on the other end. "God Haz, sorry, I'm probably interrupting something, I shouldn't have called you."

"You're not interrupting anything Li. Do you... do you want me to come over?"

"No, no it's fine, I'll be fine. I have to make the kids' lunches for tomorrow and then I'll be off to bed anyway."

"Are you sure?" I frowned at the wall in front of me, he sure didn't sound fine.

"Yes, I'll be perfectly fine. Thank you Haz."

"Alright, if you say so..." I trailed off.

"I do. Thanks okay?"

"No prob. Call me if anything?"

"Will do. Bye." 

I hung up when his voice was suddenly replaced with fast beeping sounds. I shook my head, trying to get rid of my worries, he had said I didn't need to worry, so I wouldn't. I sighed and slid back down on the couch, turning to my side as I flipped the channels trying to find something worth watching. Only five seconds later my phone buzzed again.

_I actually wanted to ask you something and I forgot, can I call you again? Love, Li_

 I smiled at my phone before pushing the buttons needed to establish a call.

"Haz?"

"Yep. What did you want to ask?"

"I was wondering, I got some tickets for a play on Thursday, and I was going with a friend, Jude already offered to babysit for the night, but my friend cancelled today, so I have a spare ticket and..."

"I'd love to come."

"I didn't even ask you yet" he chuckled, a blush rising on my face.

"Well, you were going to ask, right? So yes, I'd love to come."

"Even if you don't know what it's about?'

"You want to go, so I'm sure I'll like it. And if not, I still get to spend time with you." I grimaced, biting my lip when I realised what I'd just said. I hoped I hadn't ruined anything now.

"Fine. I'll pick you up at 7? It starts at 8 and it's not so far from your house."

"Seven is perfect. See you then Li."

"See you Thursday Haz."

I felt giddier than I probably should, it wasn't as if it was a date or something, we were just going to see a play together, because his friend cancelled. Nevertheless, I was already thinking about what to wear. 


	14. Not a date

"Dad! Your date is here!" Jude yelled from downstairs. I took a last glance in the mirror, reasonably happy with what I saw and ran down the stairs, where she was waiting with a big grin on her face.

"It is not a date Jude," she smirked and cut me off.

"Which is why you spent an hour in the bathroom and just came running downstairs like a madman."

"I'm not even answering that. We're going to see a play but my phone will be on buzz in my pocket, so call me if anything comes up, and make sure Kate, and especially Sam get to bed in time? Sam already took a bath, he only needs a story..."

"And his teddy bear is on his bookshelf so I should give it to him when he goes to bed. I know this dad, it's not the first time I'm babysitting, remember?"

"Right. Don't stay up too late yourself either, tomorrow's a school day."

"Dad! Go! The guy arrived almost 5 minutes ago and he still hasn't rang the door bell, so either he's nervous as hell, or you told him not to because you're scared of him meeting us and running away. Go already, I won't burn the house down and we'll be just fine and sound asleep when you come home."

"Right. Kate! Sam! I'm leaving!" I gave Jude a peck on the cheek and repeated my action when Sam and Kate came running in to the hallway. "Be good! And don't eat all of the cookies I got at the supermarket yesterday, they're a week's supply."

"Dad!" All three of them chorused, handing me my coat, my wallet and pushing me towards the door and even opening it for me so they could push me outside. Harry was leaning on the hood of his car, looking up to meet my eyes when the door opened. He smirked at me and got up to come and say hi. I kissed him on the cheek before I walked around his car to the passenger seat. The original plan had been for me to pick him up, but my car had broken down on Tuesday evening and they couldn't fix it until tomorrow, so Harry had offered to pick me up instead. As soon as he turned the motor on, loud guitar music blasted through the speakers, causing Harry to turn down the volume a second later.

"Sorry, bad habit," he excused himself. I chuckled, remembering how the same thing happened when we were still together and he had used the car before me. He would always turn the heat excruciatingly high, and the same went for the music volume.

"I know."

"Your kids look fun to be with." He said, glancing my way and smiling before turning his attention back to the road.

"They are. They're really great, although I could do without them hitting puberty. Jude's a great girl most of the time, but the amount of eye rolling she's giving me lately... you'd be scared they'll be rolling out of their sockets. I just hope she gets out of it before Kate starts it."

"Aww, I'm sure you'll survive Li. And besides, Jude did offer to babysit tonight, right?"

"Yeah she did. Now I only have to convince myself it was not only so she could call her friends for hours on end and eat all cookies and crisps she can find around the house."

"You're cute when you're in dad-mode Liam." He grinned at the road in front of him and I could almost feel the mischievous look in his eyes.

"Shut your big mouth Styles." I retorted, a smile starting to form on my lips. "So, how's the song writing going?"

"Ah. Different subject please? It's actually going so well I'm considering making the next record a cover album."

"You're saying that as if it would be a bad thing." I turned so my back was leaning against the door and I could have a better look at him while we talked.

"Well, it's not what my record label is waiting for, so I'm just stuck here waiting for the inspiration to come back." he sighed as he stopped in front of a red light.

"I'm sure you'll do fine Haz."

He shot me a smile before he drove off again, turning into the theatre's parking lot a minute later.

\--

Over three hours later, we were trying to get out of our seats and get our coats back.

"Well that was..." Harry started.

"A bucket load of boring crap?" I cut him off, thoroughly annoyed at the horrible play I had wasted too much time and money on.

"I was going to say, interesting, but yeah, a bucket load of boring crap actually is a better description."

"I'm really sorry Haz, it seemed like it would be a good play, but the description was what's best about it."

"It's fine Li, told you it didn't even matter as long as I could spend time with you, right?" he smirked as he gave the lady behind the counter the ticket to retrieve our coats. "Do you fancy a drink?"

"I'd actually rather go back home and check on the kids if you don't mind." His face fell but he nodded anyway. "We could always have a drink at my place?" I added, relieved at his returning smile.

"Sounds like a plan. Come on, let's get out of this hell hole as soon as we can."

The drive home was pretty quiet, but not awkward at all. We both hummed along to a song that came on the radio occasionaly or chuckled at the comments on the football results when they were announced. I told him to park his car on the drive way again, and let him into the living room before I went upstairs to check on the kids. "Don't mind the mess Harry, even though I'm not exactly sure how messy it will be after tonight, but I'll be right back."

Much to my surprise, as well as my relief, all three of them were sound asleep, backpacks ready for school set in front of their doors. I chuckled at the note Jude had left for me on her door.

_Dad, as you can see everything went perfectly well. No need to worry, we survived. I even left you some crisps and we didn't touch the cookies. Hope your date went well, even if you say it wasn't a date, you going out with a handsome man like that, it's a date. See you in the morning, don't forget I have dance practice after school? Couldn't find my tights..._

I went back downstairs but the living room was empty, although I heard some noise in the kitchen. Harry was in there, loading the dishwasher with the plates and pans that were scattered around on the counter top because I didn't have time to clean it up before we left.

"Oh Harry please, you didn't have to do that, come on, I'll just get us a drink. What do you want? Coffee, tea? Something else?"

"I know, but I could as well do it while I was waiting. And I would love some tea. Thanks."

"No milk two sugars?"

"Yep, still the same."

I sent him back into the living room with a box of cookies while I finished loading the dishwasher as I waited for the water to boil. I dropped a tea bag in each mug, along with Harry's sugar and went back to the living room myself, a mug in each hand. I found Harry in front of my CD collection, turning around to take his tea out of my hands.

"Quite an impressive collection you have."

"Thanks." I smiled at him as he sat down next to me on the couch. He turned around so his back was leaning against the arm rest and he pulled his legs up and crossed them so he was facing me

"Kate looks a lot like David, doesn't she?" he asked, nodding at a picture that hung on the wall next to my CD's. I smiled and nodded.

"Uhu, when she was a toddler you couldn't tell the difference between hers and David's baby pictures. It's really weird, because Kendra doesn't even look like David. At all." I took another sip from my tea, enjoying the feeling of the hot liquid slipping down my troath. We talked about everything and nothing, through three refills of tea until I finally couldn't suppress my yawns anymore. Harry chuckled and got up. He took my mug out of my hands and went to the kitchen to put them in the dish washer. I followed him, protesting he shouldn't do that because it was my house after all, but he wouldn't hear it.

"I'll be going then, so you can get to bed."

I smiled tiredly. "Yeah, I'll let you out."

He turned around once he was outside on the drive way. "I had a really good time tonight Liam, even though the play was surely a waste of time, you weren't."

I chuckled and nodded in agreement. "I had fun too Haz." I took a step outside to put an arm around his waist, pulling him closer so I could peck him on the cheek. Apparently he wanted to do the same, but his head went the other way and we met somewhere in the middle, so my lips ended up on his.

My eyes widened as we both pulled back, and I could see the surprise on his face too, until I noticed we were both leaning in. My eyes fluttered closed when his lips touched mine again. They were soft against mine, moving together as if nothing ever changed between us. It was a tender kiss, loving, without any urge or hunger. My arm around his waist pulled him closer, the other arm wrapping around his neck, stroking his curls. I felt his arm around my waist as well, and his other hand was cupping my cheek. It was when I felt his thumb run along my jaw that my eyes flung open and I pulled back, suddenly realising what I - what we were doing.

"Harry - I - I can't, sorry." Tears were already streaming down my cheeks when I turned around again, stepping back inside and closing the door behind me without saying another word. My back rested against the front door as I buried my face in my hands, silently sobbing as I slid down to the ground.


	15. Radio Silence

I rubbed my eyes, tired from playing and writing all day. Tomorrow would be my first day at the studio to record new material for my next album, and I kept on adding new songs to the list. The one thing that was good about this whole mess was that it finally brought me inspiration. Notes and lyrics flew out of my hands at a rate I could hardly keep up with.

Ever since that night, it had been complete silence between Liam and I. I had been on his doorstep for another half an hour before I found the strenght to turn around and drive home. The kiss kept on playing in my mind, over and over again. I analysed every single second of the night, to find out if it was only my imagination that Liam felt something of what had been too, or if it was really there. Now my dreams consisted of memories of the fight, as well as memories of the kiss, always ending with Liam sounding broken and hurt as he turned away from me and walked back inside.

I had texted him the next day, just a simple 'Can we please talk Li?'. Not knowing what else to say or do, but he hadn't replied. Not that day, not in the next week or month. It had been three months now since I last heard from him. I missed him ridiculously much, considering we had only just started talking and meeting again. I tossed another started but unfinished and therefor unsent letter to him in the garbage can as I walked to the kitchen, taking yesterday's lasagne out of the fridge to reheat it in the microwave. As I waited for the beep, I replied to a text from Gemma, wishing me good luck for the next day and sent Ethan and Louise a text to wish them good luck on their exams. Batman and Robin were on the floor, each lying on one of my feet and purring loudly. I got my feet out from under their warm furry bodies to get my food and walked over to the couch, reminding myself I should clean the mess my living room was by now. Good writing always went hand in hand with bad housekeeping and I usually only loaded the dishwasher when I ran out of plates or cutlery, so my sitting room was now filled with scattered plates and abandoned forks and knives. Falling down on the couch, remote control in hand, I made another false promise to clean it all up tomorrow. It was even more impossible to keep my promise this time since my studio days tended to be long and tiring, and end with a night at some pub to eat junk food and drink. I went to bed an hour later, leaving another plate and fork for myself to clean up whenever I'd get to it. I fell asleep easily, the kiss haunting my dreams again so I woke up with a mixture of happiness, confusion and sadness twirling around my body.

"Sorry guys, let's start again." I sighed in frustration and repeated the hand settings for the song we were currently recording before signalling Mike I was ready to do another take. Finally, after half a day of trying and starting over, the guitar track for the first song was on tape, so we could start on the vocals after lunch. I could only hope the rest of the songs would go faster because I only had the studio for three weeks and there were about 40 songs I wanted to record so I had a bigger pool to select the final album songs from.

 

Three weeks later I looked like a homeless guy, my curls being far too long, grey hairs coming out where the hairdye had grown out, my jeans creased and not ironed for weeks as recording had been top priority for all this time. Good thing it was actually the last day of recording, only two more songs to go, too bad they were the hardest to get right. We had tried to get them on tape before, but my voice kept breaking again and again, and I would make stupid mistakes while playing so I had postponed recording until today.

I was greeted by Mike, one of the technicians, and Tim, who worked at my management's office and had been on my account ever since he started working there. I was surprised to see him there, normally they wouldn't bother to come and check up on the recording, as long as the record label got what they wanted, management was fine with everything I did.

"Hey Harry," he said as he slapped me on the back. "Good news mate, though it might mean you'll have a very long day today." I quirked my eyebrow, not having the slightest idea what he was talking about. He started rummaging through his folder and finally came up with a paper, that looked like some letter. I read it diagonally as he handed it over, my eyes growing bigger with every line.

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Nope, it's a genuine letter from Dave Grohl, consenting to you recording Times Like These for your new album."

"Holy crap. It will be a long day. Three songs to record today Mike, let's get busy then!"

"Do you mind if I stay for a while Harry? I'd like to hear Times Like These, Dan couldn't shut up about the cover at that concert last time."

"Whatever pleases you, I owe you big time for getting Foo Fighters to consent to this. I want to start with Lose you twice though Mike."

He nodded as he put on his headphones, motioning me to get into the recording booth.

"Can you record both vocals and guitar? I feel like this is a one take kind of song."

"Sure Styles, get it going."

_Because I can’t have this happening all over again_

_Because I can’t stand this hurt all over again_

_Because I never stopped loving you no matter the pain_

_I can’t have this baby, not again_

_I can’t believe I managed to lose you twice_

_One time had me broken down_

_Waiting for you on our wedding day_

_But of course you wouldn’t show_

_You always said come what may_

_But I can’t have this baby, not again_

_I can’t believe I managed to lose you twice_

_Lose you twice_

_Lose you twice_

_I’m not gonna lose you twice._

I looked up after silencing the strings of my guitar, trying to read Tim's and Mike's face to see what they thought of it. I had practised all night yesterday, and I managed to get through it in one take, no mistakes in my guitar playing, my voice cracking here and there but never returning to a whisper. Tim's eyes were wide open, Mike was just grinning and giving me two thumbs up. 

"Come over here to listen Harry, but in my opinion this is ready for the album in just one take." I grinned back at him and put my guitar down before I joined him in the small technical room, my smile growing as I listened to the tape of the last few minutes. I was probably one of the best things I had recorded in my life so far. My voice wasn't perfect but it added to the meaning of the song and it sounded exactly as I intented it to.

 

 

"This is everything Harry. So basically you have three weeks to select which ones you want on the album so we can send them for production. There's two CD's, and I made three copies of each, as usual."

I smiled at Mike, tired from the long day and took the bag out of his hands as I said my goodbyes to the rest of the studio crew. Days Like These had proven the most difficult one to record. Radio Silence had needed three takes for the guitar and another four for the vocals, and while the guitar on Times Like These had been quite easy to get right, I kept on tearing up when I did the vocals. I had to bite my lips until I tasted blood to prevent myself from breaking down completely at every single take. We had finally decided to get some dinner before giving it a final shot, as I really wanted to get it on the album now that I had permission from Dave Grohl. Three hours later, we ended up with a pretty good version so we decided to call it a night.

I turned the Foo Fighters CD that was in my car radio up to the highest volume as I drove home, singing along loudly, earning me disapproving glares from the old woman in the car next to me at the red light. I smiled and waved at her, just happy with the recording I had been doing over the last few weeks. I left the plastic bag in the living room so I could put a CD in every single music device in the house tomorrow and went straight to bed. I grinned at my phone as I went to turn off my alarm, desiring a good lie in more than anything. 

_6:30 Take Liam to the airport._

I gulped as I saw the note on my calender app. Liam had asked me if I could take him and the kids to the airport for their holiday, before the whole kissing disaster. I was sure he would've found another solution by now, since he never even texted me back, but still. I bit my lip as I pressed the button to open the messenger app, my fingers flying over the screen and pressing send in a matter of seconds, before I could change my mind.

_I hope you have a great holiday. X Haz_

 


	16. Intervention

"Night dad." Sam yawned as I handed him his teddy bear which he immediately hugged as if his life depended on it.

"Night Sam-boy. See you tomorrow." I walked out of his room after pressing another kiss on his forehead and went into the bathroom to get it looking decent again. We were already in the second week of our holiday, and it had been great so far. Of course we all missed David, as we always did, but it didn't take over all of our minds like I had feared. We had had lots of fun spending time together, away from work and school. I folded the last towel and hung it over the towel rack so it could dry for tomorrow and flicked off the light before walking back into the living room.

"Dad, sit down." Jude and Kate both sat on the couch in their pyjamas, looking at me with a stern expression on their faces. My eyebrows raised at the sight, not sure what was going on all of a sudden. "Come on, sit down," Jude added, gesturing at the arm chair on the right side of the couch. I shot them a confused look but did as I was told.

"Dad, this is an intervention." Kate's voice sounded stately.

"An intervention?" Again, I quirked an eyebrow, thinking they surely watched too much television.

"Yes. You've been really sad lately dad. Ever since that date that I couldn't call a date you hardly ever smile unless something really funny happens or you feel obliged to." My eyes widened at Jude's mention of the date. 

"What- what do you mean?"

"We're not stupid dad. You were finally getting happier again, you sang along to the radio again, sometimes, and you just smiled about nothing in particular. And ever since that night, you're back to the gloomy depressed dad you were before." My jaw dropped at Kate's harsh comment.

"I-I'm not depressed!"

"Fine, maybe not depressed, but you are gloomy." Jude chipped in.

"Listen dad," Kate got up and pulled herself onto my lap as she continued. "We don't know who this guy was and what happened, but we do know that you were happier since you were writing to each other, and ever since that night you were back to being almost as sad as when daddy had just passed away."

Jude crossed the living room and sat herself down at the armrest of the chair I was in, her arm around my shoulder as she leaned in. "And I saw you were crying at your phone on the way to the airport last week."

I gulped, my gaze switching from one daughter to the other. "There's nothing..." I started, only to be cut off by Jude again.

"Dad, listen, your love life is really none of our business, but we just want you to know that... that it's okay for you to see people. It won't mean you've forgotten about daddy, we realise that. You're only 43 in a few weeks, you don't have to stay single for the rest of your life only because you think it will hurt us, or daddy."

"Yeah, remember that song we chose for daddy's funeral? About how it didn't matter if he went away, we would always remember him for what he left behind?" I nodded as Kat explained. "We know you will always love daddy, and you won't ever forget him, but he would've wanted you to move on too dad, you know that as well as we do, don't you?"

"And if you were only depressed because that guy hurt you, just tell us because we will hunt him down and make him pay for it." Jude added, a mischievous glint in her eyes. I chuckled half-heartedly. "Now did he hurt you?" she asked, chuckling along.

"No.. No he didn't. Not at all. I think I'm the one who hurt him."

"Go get him then dad, if you still want him. He seemed nice, and you like him. And he is handsome." Kate giggled at Jude's last addition. 

"And if you don't want him, then that's okay too, but we just wanted you to know that we won't hold it against you if you start dating again. We want you to be happy again, and staying by yourself and drowning in memories of when daddy was still here won't do that." Kate stated, burying her face into my shoulder. 

I pulled them closer, finding comfort in their touches. "When did you girls grow up to be so wise?" I asked before letting them out of my hug. 

"Just last night when you were sleeping." Jude shrugged, causing all three of us to start laughing.

"Well, now that your intervention is done, what would my wise girls like to do for the rest of the night?"

"Have popcorn and watch a movie maybe?" Kate pleaded, batting her eye lashes like a pro again.

I chuckled before getting up. "Well why don't you pick out a movie while I try not to ruin the popcorn then?" My answer was met by cheering and they jumped up to pick out a movie while I got into the kitchen of the small but cosy holiday home. I put the bag into the microwave, hoping I didn't burn it like last time while I thought about what Kate and Jude had said. I guessed they were right. Ever since that night I had felt bad, about kissing him, about not replying to his text, about still not contacting him in any way. It was like history had repeated itself all over again. The kiss had overwhelmed me, I had felt so guilty because of it, and I didn't know if I was ready to really move on, but the least I could do was contact Harry again. The beeping of the microwave pulled me out of my thoughts again, so I got the popcorn out and put it into a bowl before joining my two beautiful daughters in the living room.

I went to the girls bedroom two hours later, a sleeping Kate in my arms. I gave her a goodnight kiss after I put her under her covers, her eyes opening the slightest bit before fluttering closed again. I turned to Jude, who would usually say she was too big for a goodnight kiss by now, but this time she pulled me into a hug and kissed me on my cheek.

"Goodnight dad. I love you."

"I love you too Jude. Sweet dreams."

"You too."

She was probably asleep before I even left the room. I fell down on my own bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of what to do about Harry until I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from being outside all day. 

 

The next evening, the kids had all gone to bed early, completely knackered from our day at the beach. I got myself a drink and sat down at the table. I had decided to talk to Harry, the only way I knew I could handle right now. The white paper in front of me looked inviting and scary at the same time.

 

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm sorry for not replying to you all this time. I didn't know how to after that night. After that kiss. I want you to know it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, it just... happened. I cried for hours on end after that. It felt like I had cheated on David, even though I suppose there's no such thing as cheating on your dead husband. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, I never meant to do that, I hope you do know that Haz._

_I had an 'intervention' yesterday. It was really sweet and touching actually. Kate and Jude came up to me and talked about how they wanted me to move on, and how they knew that David would've wanted me to. And I know they're right, he wouldn't have wanted me to lock myself in a room and sulk about losing him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on. And even if I am, I'm not sure where I want us to end up. I don't know if we can make this work again, so much has happened between us Haz. We have all of this past. I don't know if we can just pick up where we left off._

_Wait, did I say I wasn't sure if I was ready to move on? I know for sure I'm not ready. I don't know when or if I will ever be ready. I don't know if I'll be able to let someone fill the emptyness David left behind._

_So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm not expecting you to wait for me. You would be waiting for something or someone that might never come. But I would like to see you some more. I loved seeing you again, I loved your letters, your text messages and phone calls. I would love a friend like you, but I understand if you can't be that for me, not after the kiss, not after me needing I don't know how much time._

_Loving you never changed though, and it probably never will._

_Love, Li._

_PS: Thanks for your text. Our holiday has been great so far. Have you been in the studio yet? How did it go?_


	17. Be here

_Dear Liam,_

_It doesn't matter that you never replied before, I'm just glad you did now. I've been in the studio for the last three weeks and I've been recording a massive amount of songs, so now I've got a big problem because there's only 18 that can go on the album, meaning more than half of the ones I've been recording have to go._

_At least something good came out of that kiss. It got me writing, always been that way I suppose, I write better when I'm confused or sad or just... everything but happy. All I have to do then is sit down in front of a piece of paper with my guitar and it flows out. Same thing happened over the last four months. I'm not supposed to do this, and please keep in mind that it's all very raw unproduced material, but I feel like you have a right to hear what I wrote and recorded, as most of it somehow involves you. Well, I suppose most of what I sing involves you anyway, if not everything. It's always been because of you that I started singing my own songs, even though I never got to tell you in person because we... we already broke up when I decided to take the risk. And well, look at where I am now. I guess you were right from the start, when you convinced me to sing to you, with you for the first time. Remember how we always fantasised about singing lullabies to our kids? I'm still sorry I missed out on that._

_I'm going to stop thinking about all of it before you change your mind and decide to walk away after all. I just wanted to say Liam, I'd rather have you as a friend, no matter how much I would wish us to be more again, than not have you at all. I don't want to call it waiting for you, I just want to be here for you. No matter what, no matter how long it takes for you to get over David, even if you never do. I'll be here. These last few months made me realise I don't want to lose you twice. Oh how clever of me, casually using one of my song titles to lure you into listening to the CD's ;)_

_That intervention of Jude and Kate sounds like something else Li. I wish I would've been there to see you guys. They're right you know, moving on doesn't mean forgetting all about David, it doesn't even mean finding someone else. And I know we have an entire past to deal with Li, us starting over would never be from a blank page, but that past makes us who we are and left us where we are now, so I'll never completely regret it. I'm just happy there's also some kind of future for the both of us, be it as friends or as something else, something more. We'll see where we end up._

_Anyway, call me when you're back from France? I'm just going to drop this in your letterbox with the CD's but I would like to talk to you soon, just, clear the air. Especially since all of this sound like a shitload of blabber, but I'm sure you'll know what I'm trying to say, right?_

_Love you,_

_Haz_

 

I read it over one last time before I folded it and put it inside the bright blue envelope I pulled out of my drawer, writing Liam's name at the front in my hideous uneven handwriting. I assured myself the three discs inside the boxes were copies and not the originals, as well as checked if they were all there before putting them inside a plastic bag to go with the letter.

My car smelled stuffy, after not being used for over a week now, so I opened all the windows to let the summer breeze in while I drove to Liam's, one of the studio discs playing loudly. Unlike before, listening to all of the songs again and again didn't make it any easier to decide which ones should go. All of them told a story that I wanted to be told, and with another week before the final selection had to be made and sent to production, I still had to eliminate 14 songs, which seemed like mission impossible.

I found myself not too happy with the song playing when I reached Liam's house, so I quickly jotted the title down on a piece of stray paper that had been left in the dump my car always was before getting out, the plastic bag and the envelope in my hands. I knew Liam's car would be on the drive way, so I parked a bit further down the street, having to walk about 20 yards to his front door. I was deep in thoughts, my eyes trained on the pavement when I heard a familiar voice.

"Thanks for picking us up at the airport again Kendra, I'll see you soon." He sounded tired, and I could imagine the half smile etched on his lips without having to look up. I stopped dead in my tracks, unsure if I should let him know that I was here. I decided to wait until he had ushered the three kids that were surrounding him inside, stalling the actual decision for a little longer. 

"Harry?" So far for me making the decision.

"Hey. Liam. Didn't know you would be back already."

"Yeah, we just arrived, as you obviously saw." He smiled at me, the tiredness was visible on his face but his eyes sparkled with his usual joy nevertheless. I looked at the kids who were still next to him, all three of them eyeing me with curiosity. I smiled back, handing him the package I held in my hand.

"I just wanted to drop this off, so I'll get going again, I'm sure you've got lots to do."

"Oh. Yes, okay. Thanks" he nodded, glancing down at the bright blue envelope and the see through plastic bag. I noticed the tallest girl, Jude, I supposed, nudged him in the ribs. His gaze rested on her for a second as she raised her eyebrows, nodding her head in my direction. "Why uh, why don't you come in for a minute Haz?"

"No, it's fine, I don't want to disturb you guys, I'll just see you later."

"Oh but you wouldn't be disturbing sir, I'll make you some tea while dad unpacks and Jude makes us dinner like she promised." I felt a tug on my right arm, finding a pretty brown haired girl I recognised as Kate when I looked down. Liam shrugged and smiled apologetically, following us to the door as I was pulled there by Kate, her brother on her other hand. Liam took their luggage to the bathroom, to start the washing machine, I supposed, while his three kids guided me into their kitchen, Kate putting on the kettle as they all took a seat around their kitchen table, looking at me with big curious eyes. 

"Would you like some milk in your tea sir?" Kate asked politely as she handed me the mug. "Or sugar?"

"Just two sugars, please. And I'm Harry, not sir."

"That makes him feel old," Liam smirked as he walked into the kitchen. "And I would like tea with a little milk and no sugar, if I'm worth the effort, of course." he winked at his daughter before he pulled up a chair so he sat between me and Sam. 

 


	18. Stay around

Sam was singing loudly in the bathtub while I put the used plates in the dishwasher. Jude and Kate were both in the living room, showing Harry how to play some video game they both loved. Judging from their frustrated groans and Harry's elated cheering, he was proving to be better at it then they would've thought him to be. I brought them a bottle of coke and four glasses, making my daughters comment about how Harry should come over more often so they got to drink more soda before checking up on Sam, and the state my bathroom was in. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub so I could help him with washing and rinsing his hair. I handed him a washcloth to cover his eyes as I took the showerhead and chuckled at the funny faces he was making.

"Dad?" he sounded a bit like a drowning fish, if that even makes sense, because of the water that was still streaming down his face. "Is Harry your boyfriend?"

I choked on air, coughing so violently I was afraid someone would come barging in because they would think I was really choking. When I finally recovered, Sam was watching me with his large, innocent brown eyes, unaware of the fact that it was his question that caused me to almost die. "No Sam, he's just an old friend. We met in high school, but uh, we lost contact a few years before I met your daddy."

He shrugged, losing interest already after my second sentence. "Oh, okay. Do you think he'd want to come over and play football with me sometime?"

I smiled at him. "I don't know Sam, why don't you ask him yourself?" I put my hand on his shoulder as he already attempted to get up and out of his bath, not wanting to wait any longer before asking the very important question. "Hold on bud, first rinse the soap of your body before running into the living room." I pulled the plug out of the drain and helped him shower before I put a towel around him and lifted him out of the bath. It wouldn't be so much longer before I wouldn't be able to do this anymore, I realised. He was growing up fast, and it made me a bit sad to think about it. Soon enough I wouldn't have any truly little kids around, no more babying to do. He dried himself, only requiring my help for his back, his curly hair and his feet before he put on his favourite black and blue pyjamas. He convinced me to comb his hair in the living room, about dying to pop his question to Harry. I shook my head at his unruliness but followed him out of the bathroom and into the living room, where I found him shaking with laughter at Jude's huffing. She and Kate had obviously lost from Harry, very unexpectedly to them, and Sam was just rubbing it in their faces. He was almost rolling over the floor when I finally pulled him closer to me and positioned him between my legs so I could brush his hair, knowing that it would be a complete mess of knots in the morning if I didn't. He really needed a haircut soon, but I hadn't had the chance to take him with the holidays. I should probably take him at the weekend, Kate and Jude would certainly be happy with a chance to go to the mall. 

I was pulled out of my thoughts as Kate got up to put the controllers back in their place and Sam had managed to catch his breath, enough to finally ask the burning question. I saw him pulling the sleeve of Harry's T-shirt, causing the latter to turn around to face him, a wide smile tugging on his lips as he met the eyes of my youngest.

"Harry?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Would you come back sometime and play football with me in the backyard? Dad says I'm getting real good and that maybe I can play for Man U one day." He looked dead serious so I bit my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to let my smile break through at his exaggeration. 

"Sure mate. If your dad gets permission from your sisters to let me in after defeating them tonight, that is." He winked, earning chuckles from me, Sam, and even some reluctant ones from Jude and Kate. 

 

Two hours later, I was leaning against the wall in the hallway, Sam already sound asleep, Jude and Kate arguing in the living room who could use the bathroom first. Harry was leaning on the opposite wall, both of us smiling and feeling comfortable again, as if that kiss never happened.

"I had a good time today, thanks for staying Haz."

"Thanks for inviting me in, or maybe I should thank Jude for that." he teased.

"I'll be reading that letter when I get those two to bed. Are these CD's..."

"Yeah, they're the result of three weeks at the studio. I could use some help selecting the songs that should be on the next album though, so if you're up for it?" he trailed off.

"I'll have a listen anyway, and I'll let you know." 

"Good. Thanks. So I'll call you tomorrow to make arrangements for next weekend?" He asked, referring to what we'd agreed on before. I would take the kids to the mall on Saturday, for the very needed haircuts on both Sam and me, and Harry would join us for a barbecue after, so him and Sam could play their game of football in the backyard. It also held a promise for us to finally talk about some things that needed to be said. I was more one to write those things down and send them in a letter, but I knew that would be unnessecarily complicating and postponing things. 

I nodded and went to open the door to let him out, hugging him before he turned and walked away. I supposed this meant he was willing to stay and wait for me.

Jude and Kate both stopped their bickering when I walked into the living room, jumping me and firing their questions. If we had kissed, and if I had wanted to. I just smiled and reminded them of how they'd said that my love life wasn't any of their business as I sent them into the bathroom to take a shower. " But no, Harry and I are not dating, and if that changes, you girls will be the first ones to know, okay?" I told them as they came up to me for their good night kisses. They smiled and nodded, skipping upstairs as if I had told them we would go to Disney Land for their birthdays.

I read his letter when I finally got to bed, the last of our laundry in the dryer. I smiled and wiped away a single tear that rolled down my cheek, taking my phone to send him one last text before going to sleep.

_Thanks so much Haz. I'm glad you're willing to stay around. Love, Li_

 

The next three evenings were spent with listening to the CD's Harry had given me, going back and forth while comparing the songs. It was very obvious that most of the songs were inspired by our situation, the kiss and everything that had ever happened between us. His cover of Times Like These sounded perfect. Even better than I remembered from the concert. It was vulnerable but firm and comforting at the same time. I really believed what he was singing, and I supposed that was the most important thing anyway. When Lose You Twice came up, I shed a few tears and immediately put it in my list of definite keepers. I texted Harry about it, letting him know that I had gotten the message and wouldn't let him lose me twice, as well as I didn't want to lose him again.

Fridaynight was hectic as usual, Jude had already started dance practice again, and Sam needed to picked up from his grandmothers' where he had spent the day while I was working. I rushed to the supermarket before doing so, knowing shopping would take me at least twice as long when he was with me. At the end of the night, I could only be happy to see my bed and didn't even think about the day after and the dreaded conversation that was bound to take place when the kids were in bed.


	19. New day rising

I had gotten up early, as today was the day I had to leave my list of songs to be produced at the studio. With Liam's help in the form of the list of 'definite keepers', 'not sures' and 'no, there are better songs on here' that he had emailed me, I had narrowed it down to 21 songs. The only way to get rid of the last three and end up with the definitive selection that would go to production to end up on the album, was trying to perform them again. If they went on the album, it was a certainty that I would have to perform them for a gazillion times on my next theatre tour, so they had to feel good and comfortable.

It was 4pm when I finally put my guitar down, not only having eliminated the three songs that needed to go, but also having changed a few bits here and there on my version of Times Like These, creating more variations for live performing. I quickly send an email to Mike with the list of songs he needed to get ready to send before turning my laptop off, remembering to save any changes I had made to the songs I'd played today and grabbed my phone and car keys from the kitchen counter, calling Liam on my way outside.

"Hey Haz!" He sounded cheery as I heard him telling Sam to be silent for a bit.

"Hey Li, are you guys home yet?"

"Nope, we're still waiting at the hair salon, it should be our turn soon now, so I guess we'll be home in about an hour, an hour and a half maybe. Sorry for the delay."

"Oh it's perfectly fine Liam, do you mind if I come to the mall then? I'm kinda done here for the day so..."

"No that's cool. We're at the hair dressers on the first floor. I'll see you here then."

"I'm there in fifteen."

I got into my car, windows wide open to get it to cool down from the sun that had been shining down upon it for the last few hours, humming Times Like These while I drove to the mall. Okay, maybe humming might be an understatement for belting it out as if there was no tomorrow. Just maybe. What was sure is that it earned me a few strange looks from other people at the parking lot, but I suppose that was mostly because I tend to forget I'm already out of the car until I get those strange looks, and only stop singing when I realise it.  
I felt a blush rising and looked down to hide it, as well as my smirk that appeared because of my stupidity.

I soon found the hair salon where Liam and Sam were at, and noticed the two of them in front of the sinks, waiting for their hair to be washed and cut. I went over to kiss Liam on the cheek and ruffled through Sam's cute curls before I went to sit down next to Jude and Kate who were looking through some magazines, a bored expression on their faces.

"Ladies." I greeted them smiling.

"Oh hi Harry." Jude looked up and waved her hand at me, as Kate smiled and looked back at the article she was currently reading about some very young looking popstars. Ten minutes later, Liam and Sam's hair still wasn't washed and the girls' sighs became louder by the minute.

"Getting bored ladies?" I asked, unleashing a storm of whines and huffs. "What if we go down to the foodcourt and grab a milkshake? Or check out the gamestore? Your choice." They both jumped out of their seat and started discussing which option they would choose. I smirked at them and walked over to Liam to notify him of the plans, telling him to give me a call when him and Sam were finished here. He nodded gratefully before I walked out with his daughters, not giving him the chance to give them a talk about how they should behave. I was pretty sure I could keep two teen girls in check by myself.

Little did I know, by the time I had dragged them out of some jewelry store, objecting the fact that they had brought me in here at all, survived half an hour with them in the gamestore and finally fell into my seat at the foodcourt, I was tired as hell. I rubbed my face before I took a sip of my banana milkshake, happy they were chatting amongst each other.

"Harry? How did you and dad meet actually?"

I was pulled out of my thoughtless state to be met by two pairs of curious eyes. "Uh, in high school, when we were both 16."

"Oh, and so you lost contact when you both graduated?" Jude asked. I wasn't sure how much Liam had told them and how much he wanted them to know, so I just nodded.

"Yeah, something like that."

"I think it's cool that you guys are in contact again." Kate chipped in, slurping from her strawberry milkshake through three straws at the same time.

"Me too." I grinned and took another sip, almost choking when Jude asked yet another question.

"Are you planning on going out with dad?" What was this? An evil scheme for an interrogation? I started wishing I had never taken them out of the hair salon, trying to think of an acceptable answer.

"Hey guys, mind if we join you?" Relief washed through my body as Liam and Sam were standing next to our table. Jude and Kate were obviously a little bothered they couldn't continue their questioning, but leaned back in their seats, resuming their conversation from before.

I smiled at Sam and how proud he was to show off his new haircut. It was styled in a cute little quiff, his curls cut out completely and he kept on looking around for shiny surfaces so he could admire himself some more. Liam went to grab them a milkshake too, the girls glaring at me as if to remind me they still desired an answer to their question.  He sat down next to me, apologising for the delay again. His curls were shorter than before, but still there, styled in a messy just out of bed look. He looked quite handsome, if I may say so. Not that he didn't look handsome before, but well, you get the picture.

We all chatted for a bit longer, waiting for Sam to finish his giant chocolate milkshake before we got out to the parking lot.

"Dad can we ride with Harry?" I tensed at Kate's question, even though she put up her most innocent voice. These girls would be my death, I swear.

"If it's okay with Harry, then yes." Liam answered, hesitating and searching my eyes with a questioning look. I decided I'd have to face them sooner or later, so I agreed with it, taking them up to my car while Liam and Sam went to find his.

I hardly had the time to fasten my seatbelt and drive out of the parking lot before both of the girls leaned forward from the backseat, eyes trained on my face.

"So? Are you planning to date dad?"

I chuckled, better prepared than before. "I'm not planning on anything. We're just good friends who are happy to have found each other again."

"Awwww you're letting out about as much as dad himself." Jude whined. I chuckled and shook my head at her disappointed pout.

"So you haunted him with your questions too?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah, but he didn't say anything either. But just so you know, we wouldn't mind if you and dad started dating. We don't really know you very well yet, but dad is happier since you've been around, and that's all that counts. So, yeah, you have our blessing," she stated.

I tried hard to cover up for my blushing. Was it true? Was Liam really happier since we had restored contact? Maybe, just maybe we would have more of a chance than I'd thought up until now then...

Liam and Sam were already home when we pulled up to their driveway, my car could just fit in next to Liam's, and Jude let us in with her key. The entire house was empty, but we soon found Liam and Sam outside in the backyard, Sam already running around with his football, Liam preparing the barbecue.

"Care to join Sam and me in a football match girls? Boys against girls? Loser does the dishes tonight." I had seen in a glance at their white board in the kitchen it would be their turn to do the dishes tonight, so they happily accepted the chance to get out of it and went inside to change shoes before we started our game.

 


	20. Summer night

I chuckled as four pairs of feet scrambled past the terrace tiles, running behind the blue and white football Sam had gotten for his last birthday while trying to score in their improvised goals. It wasn't exactly a very tactic game, but their laughter told me they were having a lot of fun. I turned around to get the meat for the barbecue out of the fridge in te kitchen, and got us some soda and a few bottles of beer as well. A wide grin spread on my face as I saw Harry lying on the grass, rolling back and forth while clutching to his leg. Kate stood next to him, eyes widened and a worried look on her face as Jude kneeled next to him. To me it was very obvious that he was exaggerating and just fooling around, but they seemed to believe he was really hurt.

"Dad!" Sam caught my gaze as I opened the door to the garden again and came running up to me. "Dad! Jude tackled Harry and now he's hurt!" His startled expression changed into downright confusion when he saw my grin. "Why are you laughing dad? He's hurt! Maybe he has to go to the hospital!"

"Haz stop scaring my children and get up, will you?" I shouted at him, my grin mirrored on his face as he finally got back up on his feet. The worry on the kids' faces changed into confusion and then into slight anger at being fooled as soon as they caught on to his joking. Jude was moping around for a little while longer, Kate being her good spirited self was already trying to score another goal, which Harry let her. A few minutes later they were all playing to win again. Harry ran past me, Sam hanging down by his arms as Harry let him kick the ball while running towards the opposite goal.

I smiled at their harmless banter and fooling around, turning the meat on the grill and warning them food would be ready in ten minutes. I got the vegetables I had prepared in the morning and put them on the table, together with plates and cutlery. By the time I was finished, the first load of meat was cooked, so I piled all of it on two plates and called everyone to the table to eat while I put on the next load.

"So, who won and who's the lucky loser to do the dishes tonight?" I asked as I walked around the table to serve everyone their meat.

"It's a tie Liam, so I guess that means you'll have to do the dishes." Harry smiled proudly of his witty idea.

I huffed. "Oh that's nice, first you guys have fun while I cook, and now you leave me with the cleaning up too. Consider this the last time you're ever invited to dinner Haz." I tried to hide my smile as a round of protest sounded from around the table, resulting in all three of my kids offering to do the dishes. That's a first. "Well, I suppose we could just do it all together then, if you're all so keen on having Harry over again sometime."

I sat down and sliced my meat, trading plates with Sam when I was finished. It's not that he couldn't slice his own food yet, but he always struggled with steak so it was easier if I did it for him. And I just like babying him now that I still can. Sue me.

"So Hawwy, dontchoo fink I'll be a goof candidafe fow Man U?" Sam asked, his mouth full of steak and lettuce.

"Sam, don't speak with your mouth full," I warned him with a stern look. He rolled his eyes at me but continued chewing before repeating his question.

"Oh yeah, you should just keep on practising and then you'll be brilliant at football! I'm sure of it!" Harry replied smiling.

The rest of the time at the table was spent with random chit chat, the three of them asking Harry about his job and how it worked when he didn't have a day time job but didn't perform every night either. I just let them talk, interfering here and there when I felt they were being too nosy or heading towards plain rudeness but I had to admire Harry for his skills at dealing with the three of them. When they ganged up on you, they weren't exactly the easiest ones to handle, but he did brilliant.

When it got dark, we all took the food and dishes inside and put them in the dishwasher, Sam heading for his shower, insisting to shower by himself now that his hair didn't need to be washed. Half an hour and a total flood in the bathroom later he came running out in his pyjamas, crawling onto Harry's lap, begging him for a good night kiss and hug before I took him upstairs. I felt my heart swelling in my chest at the sight of the two of them, evoking bittersweet feelings as it reminded me of Sam and David, although I loved how Harry was already accepted as part of the family after such a short amount of time. At least I knew the kids liked him, if we ever decided to start going out again.

Jude and Kate were both curled up on the couch watching one of their favourite comedy series when I came back downstairs, Harry seated next to them and chuckling at the screen whenever something funny happened. I decided to clean the mess in the bathroom first before sitting down with them, but as soon as I arrived in the living room, both girls started yawning suspiciously loud and obviously fake and they retreated into the bathroom and to their bedroom soon after. Both Harry and I got a good night kiss from the both of them. Jude shot me a meaningful look before she turned around to the door, I just rolled my eyes at her matchmaking and slapped her bum playfully before silence fell over us again. Nothing was on TV, and it seemed quite nice to sit outside, so I took a few candles out of the drawer and we went back outside, each a bottle of beer in hand.

For the first time, things actually were a bit awkward between us. How do you even start a conversation like this? I took a swig from my beer, the bottle causing a clank on the table as I put it back down.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't call or text you after... after the fight Haz."

He smiled and nodded. "I know. We shouldn't have let it come to that fight. It was just all so stupid."

I agreed, thinking back about those last few months of our relationship. He was never home when I was, due to the job he was on at that current time, and I blamed him for it. I felt alone, rejected and left out. I sighed at the thought of all of our fights. They were bad, and we both had a tendency to be just plain mean when we were fighting, so they ended up rather nasty. He always got mad and started yelling before running off, I stayed calm, but tried to make him feel guilty about leaving me alone, once again. Except for that last time. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the memory.

  
"I still dream about that first fight, you know?" he said before taking another swig of his beer. "The first time I ran out, when you were too stubborn to answer my call when I finished at the studio."

I smiled half heartedly. "You brought home Thai for dinner, trying to please me," I remembered.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I felt guilty about getting out of marriage preparations once again so I wanted to make it up, but unfortunately the day after we were both sick. Last time ever I went to that restaurant. Never felt so horrible in my life. I get sick again just thinking about it."

I groaned at the memory, apparently the food had gone bad and we had been pushing each other away from the toilet all day long."Once again? So I wasn't imagining it? That you always left when I brought it up?"

His face flushed, and he shook his head, biting his lip. "I got scared, I suppose. It was totally stupid and I realise that now, but everyone kept telling me I was too young to get married, especially with my first boyfriend. And I started believing them, although we were already together for 6 years and we'd had our part of trouble. I got scared of committing without knowing what else was out there."

I gulped, my heart sinking in my chest as I realised I had been right. What about my other suspicions? Were they true as well? "Did you ever..." I cleared my throat to prevent my voice from breaking. "Did you ever... cheat?"

His head shot up, eyes locking with mine as I saw a flash of hurt pass on his face before he looked back down at his lap. "No," he said softly, shaking his head. "I wouldn't have done that, never. Didn't you know how important I found faithfulness? And still find, actually."

I shrugged. "I didn't know what to think anymore Haz. I felt like you were slowly slipping away from between my fingers."

"Is that why you... why you broke down that last time?"

I nodded. "Yeah, when I saw you at the pub with her... something snapped inside me."

He laughed at that last remark. "Really? You thought I was cheating on you with Dana?"

I nodded, a bit hurt because of his laughter. "She's a lesbian Liam. Her girlfriend broke up with her, which is why I took her out that night, and which is why she was drunk and all over me. She was looking for some comfort."

I felt my face reddening. How stupid had I been? I had walked into that pub and thought Harry was indeed cheating, while he had only been comforting that girl. I mentally slapped myself round the head. I had dragged him out of the pub and shouted at him, finally breaking before storming off. I had thought it was his fault, it was him who cheated on me, although something inside me started to doubt that as soon as I entered our flat. But stupid stubborn me... I had refused to apologise for something that I believed was his fault to begin with. I couldn't believe I had thrown six years away for something that silly. I buried my face into my hands, elbows resting on my knees, shaking my head in disbelief. A few minutes later, maybe even less, I felt Harry's warm and big hand on my back.

"Hey Li, it's not your fault. We both made so many mistakes that led up to that night. We were both stupid and obnoxious. Maybe we just weren't meant to be back then." I shrugged, looking up as he continued his soft and slow talking. "And besides, if that wouldn't have happened, you wouldn't have met David, and you wouldn't have these three wonderful kids of yours."

"Maybe I would've had you, and our own kids." I replied, feeling almost guilty while I said it, but I knew Harry wouldn't take it as regret about the life I'd had.

"Maybe. But at least now I know the grass wasn't greener at the other side of the hill, rather on the contrary. Maybe that would've been the thing that brought us down in the end. We'll never know Li."

I sat back up, facing the sky and the few stars that shone on it as I shrugged. "I guess you're right. But still, I feel even more stupid now I know what was really going on at the pub that night."

"No reason Li. Let's just be happy we found each other again and go on from here, yeah?"

I just nodded, feeling emotionally drained from the last thirty minutes. He took my empty bottle and went inside to get us a refill as I put my feet up on another chair. We sat outside for a little while, mostly in a comfortable silence. It was quite remarkable how we could have this kind of conversations without turning the atmosphere awkward or uncomfortable. I suppose that's one of the good things that comes with a long term relationship, even after 20 years. We only went inside when it started raining, both of our T-shirts stained with raindrops when we entered the living room.

"I guess I should be going."

"Should you be driving Harry? You've had quite a few beers, haven't you?" I asked him, I had the same number of beers, and I didn't feel drunk or even tipsy, but I wasn't driving. "You could stay and sleep on the couch if you want to."

His smile seemed a bit sad, although I didn't exactly know why. "No it's fine Li. I think it's sa-... better if I go home anyway." I nodded and walked him to the door. "You should tell me some more about David next time, yeah? He seems like a great guy, I'd like to hear about him."

"Yeah, sure." I smiled and hugged him tightly before opening the door so he could run to his car through the rain that was pooring down by now. I stood in the doorway, watching the red lights of his car disappear around the corner and a few more minutes after that. Finally my jeans were wet up to my knees so I went inside. I felt weird, confused but peaceful at the same time, as well as happy and sad. Even after all these years, Harry Styles still had this effect on me.


	21. Hanging on

I stared at the raindrops running down on my wildshield, the blurry streetlights shining through. I wasn't sure if it were my tears or the raindrops that were causing the lights to blur. What a night, or what a day might be more accurate.

I'd had so much fun with the four of them, I really enjoyed myself, and that's what made it even harder to have to go home at the end of the night.  The talk to Liam earlier had been hard, but very necessary. We had to talk it through at some time, and yes, maybe if we had done this 20 years before, we wouldn't have broken up, but I still remember how much I was doubting if it was really a good idea to marry my first and only boyfriend, so maybe that would've killed us anyway. 

I rubbed my face with my palms, wiping away the stream of tears that was still flowing down my cheeks. If I ever wanted to have another chance with Liam, I needed to be strong and hang in there. No matter how much I wanted to hold him, kiss him, stay with him. David was still very present in his life, and even more in his heart, and I didn't want to take his place, but I knew Liam would feel it that way if I acted on my feelings right now. So, I needed to tuck them away deeply and just enjoy every little sparkle of Liam and his family I got to see. I wiped my cheeks one last time and started the car again. I had only driven around the corner of his house, I was too blinded by my tears to drive any further, so I still had a 20 minute drive to go, if traffic would work with me, before I would arrive home. I changed from cd to radio, singing along to a few songs I vaguely recognised.

When I finally put my key into my frontdoor lock, I realised I was lucky it was quiet on the streets. My head was spinning with emotions, memories and just thoughts. I realised now I really never stopped loving Liam. He had always had an enormous place in my heart and somehow in my life, even when we didn't talk or see each other, he had been there. Like I had said before, every time I forgot to change the garbage bag I thought of Liam, and I missed him leaning against the kitchen counter in the morning when I woke up. I even missed him fussing about how I never cleaned up my used plates or how my shoes were all over the hallway instead of in their right place under the coat rack. I had buried all those feelings deep inside, but ever from that first letter they started to resurface, and by now they were just all over the place. They had been already on that night of the kiss, the kiss only making it worse, and never died down the slightest bit over those almost four months of us not speaking.

This last couple of days had been so much fun, spending time not only with Liam, but also with those three absolutely marvellous children of his. I loved them already. I loved Sam's cuteness, how he enjoyed every single second of his life and was torn between being his dad's little baby and being a big boy already. I loved Jude, how much she resembled her dad, from her wavy hair to her warm brown eyes, but also her sweet and caring character, although she did a good job hiding it when she went into full puberty-mode. And her sister Kate, she was wise and serious, much like Liam had been, and her looks were a big compliment to David's side of the family. She was the only one in the Payne family who had straight hair, and her dark brown locks combined with her light blue eyes made her into a stunning beauty. She was sure to break many hearts in a couple of years. And except for the fact that they were just great kids, I had to love them for how obviously they supported Liam and me to go out. I smiled at their blunt questions, and how sweet Kate had been, telling me I had their blessing if I ever went out with Liam. Again. Although they didn't know that bit. A chuckle escaped my lips when I remembered how obvious they had been tonight, faking yawns so Liam and I were left alone sooner than we had expected. Those two were little matchmakers in the making.

I let out a few curses when I walked into my bedroom, finding my window still open from earlier today. A small pool was forming on the floor underneath, I was just happy my bed wasn't there. I rushed over to close the window, shutting the wind out and gathered the papers that had been flying all over the room. They were mostly unimportant, but I could hardly leave them all over the floor. My sheets felt cold and moist when I slipped between them, causing me to shiver as goosebumps erupted all over my arms and legs. I sent Liam a quick text, telling him I got home safely, knowing he would be waiting for it and turned the lights off. A few minutes later, I was startled by my message-ringtone. I know, bad habit of not turning off my phone at night.

_Bad traffic? Took you long enough! Or just getting old and driving slow? Thanks for today Haz. Love, Li_

_I. Am. Not. Old. Thank you very much. And thank you. I loved spending time with all of you. X Haz_

_Such an easy tease still, Styles. I'm sure the kids enjoyed it as well. Should see each other soon. Love, Li_

_Would love to. I'll call you in the next few days, kay? Night babe. X Haz_

_Babe? I'll be expecting your call hot shot. Sleept tight. Love, Li_

_Hot shot? haha, crazy man. Dream a little dream of me? ;) X Haz_

_Corny. Really turning off my phone now. Love, Li_

I rolled on my back, enjoying the patterns formed by the moonlight shining throught the tree outside my window as the wind swept through its leafs. My stomach swarmed with butterflies, nothing much had changed since all those years ago. Liam James Payne still had a hold on my heart.


	22. Not a fairy tale

_Dear Haz,_

_I do realise how stupid this is, but I want you to know what I'm about to write down in this letter, and I just know for sure I won't be able to talk about it in person. It's still too hard. We said I should tell you more about David next time, and I will certainly do so, but this bit... I can't get the words to leave my mouth._

_I do hope this letter will reach you before the barbecue next week. I'm really excited to see Gemma, and those kids of her you mentioned before. Ethan and Louise, right? Jude has been asking about Ethan ever since I told her they were going to be there. Maybe it's best if you warn him about her, because when she goes into flirt-mode... all hell breaks loose. Something a father doesn't want to see from his daughter, to be perfectly honest. She totally has that bit from David, by the way, I'm sure you remember I never was a very good flirt. Whenever someone didn't realise we were together and they started flirting with me, I'd just go beet red and mutter some incoherent words. If it weren't for David's perseverance and his flirting capacities, we'd probably never been together._

_And here I am again, stalling on what I actually wanted to write. I'll try to be coherent and as logical as I can, but please bare with me if I fail. I think it's the first time I'm telling the entire story to someone who wasn't there to witness at least part of it, but I'll try not to mess it up._

_So here goes, the story of how David got sick and finally died._

_David first started to feel unwell around June, but never paid much attention to it. I forced him to see our GP about it when it didn't get better after two weeks. He didn't make much out of it either, he had been a little bit feverish now and then, and had unusual headaches and his joints ached. The doctor said it was probably due to stress and tiredness, but it didn't get better with a few days off and some more sleep, so eventually he asked for a scan, one from his brain and one from his hips, as they hurt the most. He had them taken a few days before we left on holiday to Spain. It was such a great holiday Haz, we had so much fun. It was the first time in years that David and I had a room to ourselves, the kids next doors, but still... finally some privacy on holiday. Is it weird that I'm telling you this? If so, then sorry, I just want you to get a proper image of how things were at the time. We were so happy back then, just the two of us and our three lovely kids. I can't believe that's already three years ago. Sam was still so small, and Jude felt she was really grown up but in fact she was still a little girl. Kate was a bit less serious, I suppose. David being sick and finally dying really changed her._

_A few days after we returned, David got a call from the GP, asking him to come over when he had the chance, to discuss the scan results. Again, we didn't think much of it, because David had really been feeling better in Spain, so we just supposed it had been stress and tiredness after all. Little did we know we had just spent the last carefree weeks together. David made an appointment at the doctor's after work, I would go home and prepare the kids dinner, leaving some for him when he got home. He never got to eating it. He was ever so pale when he walked into the house, I learned a few minutes later that he had waited until everyone's bedtime had passed before coming home. He had been sitting in his parked car around the corner, waiting for 9 o'clock to arrive. I had missed him that day, it was one of the first days of work, and it always felt so strange to be without him again after spending days on end together. I ran into the hallway when I heard his keys in the lock, but stopped at the bottom of the stairs when I saw the look on his face. He was tanned from two weeks in the sun but still pale, and his eyes were bloodshot and just... empty. His smile was drained of joy when he took my hand and took me to the living room, telling me to sit down. He was so calm when he broke  the news, I think he was just too shocked to really feel anything. In those first months, he never cried. Not one single tear. At least not that I know of. The scan had shown multiple spots, both in his brains and in his hip. They weren't sure what they were, but certain was that they weren't supposed to be there, and that probably meant bad news._

_Weeks of examinations, tests, waiting and uncertainty followed. David was more at the hospital than at work, but somehow we managed not to tell the kids about any of it. We didn't want to worry them as long as we didn't have much information ourselves. Kendra knew parts of it, as we had asked her to babysit when we were both needed at the hospital on a few evenings. She couldn't make it when we had that dreaded appointment with the specialist at the hospital, so we hired a babysitter, one the kids all adored. It appeared to be a good thing, because we wouldn't have known how to tell Kendra what the doctor had told us an hour before. They had done multiple biopsies  and heaps of other tests, and still they didn't know exactly how it had started, but it was sure it was cancer. A very malignant one. The tumors they had seen on the scan were all secondary, and it still remained a mystery where the primary was. He explained that it didn't matter for the treatment. David would need multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and focused radiotherapy on the tumour in his brain and the smaller one on his hipbones. Six months of treatment to start with, eight courses of chemo, every two weeks, and after the fourth one there would be two months of intensive radiotherapy. They couldn't tell what our chances were, as it was still very uncertain how the tumours would react to the chemo._

_We told the kids over the weekend, there was no point in trying to keep it from them, they would notice how sick he'd get from his therapy and they would certainly see how much time he spent in hospital. They took it pretty well, all of us believing that we would somehow make it. That David would make it._

_I still think that's why we got through those first six months without much trouble. Of course our bank account suffered badly from it, the hospital bills were high and David's income had decreased, but we managed. We even felt that his original symptoms were getting better, only to be replaced with nausea and tiredness from the therapy, but it gave us hope._

_And the first scan after six months brought good news. The tumour in his brains had shrunk quite a lot, so they could perform surgery to remove it completely. The one on his hips had even completely disappeared. We celebrated the night when we got the news. Surgery was being planned for a month later, because David's body needed time to recover from the chemo, another scan needed to be done but no changes were expected. The day before the surgery, I got a phone call at work. The hospital. We had to come in that same day. I told myself it was probably nothing, just a precautionary matter, to make sure everything would be good for the next day. I couldn't have been more wrong. The brain tumour was still stable, but there was now a second one, on his liver. Small for now, but it would probably grow too. No chances with surgery, so there we went, another six months of chemotherapy, more intense, more sickening, more expensive. Even though we had pretty good health insurance._

_The David I had by my side by the end of that first year wasn't even half of the man he used to be. Another scan, and again bad news. A little effect on both tumours, but not enough to ensure any success of surgery. No others had popped up so far, so that was about the best we could get. Three more chemo courses, more nausea, David becoming more of a ghost day by day. Not the expected results, was what we got to hear on the next appointment. They had one more type of chemo they could try, but no guarantees. A three percent chance of 1 year survival, was what they finally admitted when we kept on asking._

_I can assure you that was the hardest decision I ever had to make. We had one week to think about it. In the end we decided we'd had enough. David had already accepted somehow that he wouldn't be there for our kids to get married, or even graduate. I hadn't, but I felt like I couldn't ask him to go through another few months of hell. I know he would've done it for me, if I asked, but I didn't want to put it on him. I had to accept it too, that I would be the only one of us seeing our children grow up. I don't think I have, not even now. How can you ever accept something so unfair?_

_So, we made arrangements. David was now on permanent sick leave from work, and he begged me not to let him stay in hospital, to let him stay at home. Of course I agreed. He only went to hospital for periodic examinations, worse news every time. The brain tumour stayed pretty constant, but the one on his liver grew bigger every month._ _In the end he refused to had another scan. He knew what it would show._

_He lasted six more months. At first he regained some of his strength, becoming the David I used to know again, but slowly but surely, he faded away. Until he hardly could get out of his bed, only for a shower if I made him. We both felt the end was nearing. I took a leave of abscence from work and spend every possible minute with him, wanting to hold on to that last thread of the life I used to have, the life I used to know. I didn't sleep for one seconds of his last two days. It was so scary Haz. Every time I went out of the room, I was afraid he would be gone when I came back in. His breathing was hitched and he struggled for air, my heart stopped everytime his breathing paused. And then finally, that last morning. He had showered, I'd washed his hair with his favourite shampoo, making his hair smell like green apples. His own scent had gone really faint, but that day, somehow, it had returned and it was somehow comforting. He called for me when I was in the bathroom cleaning up. He actually seemed a bit better that day, so I wasn't that afraid. He asked me to lie down with him, my arm wrapped around his waist as I listened to his surprisingly even breathing, his steady heartbeat under my ear. He told me how much he loved me and the kids, we told each other some memories and actually smiled a lot that day. He asked me to call the kids  upstairs when they got home from school a few hours later. They all came in, talking about their day for about an hour, before leaving for Kendra's, where they were staying most of the time these days. We laid there, for the first time in a long while I could just enjoy being with him, basking in his familiar scent. I had even almost drifted of to sleep when he started talking again. About how much he loved me, how he wanted me to move on when he was gone. I cried and asked him to stop, he wasn"t going anywhere yet, but he wouldn't hear it. And he was right, he fell asleep, and just a few minutes later, his breathing stopped. I waited for it to resume, as it always did, but this time, it didn't. His heartbeat stopped soon after, I don't think I even realised it right away, but suddenly I realised I couldn't hear it anymore. He was really gone._

_My husband had just died in my arms. I laid beside him for a few hours, I think, before I finally called his parents and Kendra, breaking the horrible news. The doctor next, his passing had to be confirmed before the funeral could be arranged. I hardly remember anything of the next couple of days. The service, the actual funeral, it's all a giant blur. I tried to stay strong for Jude, Kate and Sam, but as soon as they were asleep, or at least in their beds, I crumbled. I know they knew, at least Kate and Jude, but they let me be, they seemed to understand I needed some time and space. They were so sweet and caring Haz, you wouldn't believe it._

_These three are the only reason I kept going. They're the only thing that made me hang on when I felt like there was nothing left. They're the only thing I've still got left from David. It hurts sometimes, to see how much Kate looks like him, or how much Jude acts like he would've, and how Sam is just as careless and happy as he used to be. But it's also really good to have them around, to have them to remind me of him._

_Because Harry, no matter what happened and what will happen, I'll never regret a single second of my life with David, and I'll always remember him for the wonderful husband he was. The wonderful man, in any possible way._

_Now, how do you end a story like this one? It's certainly not a fairy tale with a happy ever after, but somehow, I do feel happy lately. I really do. Life feels less like a struggle as it used to the first year. Is this moving on then? Who knows._

_Anyway, thank you for reading, for wanting to know, for wanting to be here for me. I appreciate it more than I can tell._

_I guess I'll see you soon._

_Love,_

_Liam_


	23. A small reunion

I turned my phone over and over in my hands, contemplating what to type in reply to his letter. I had woken up two hours prior to this moment, a little bit hyper because I had to clean up my house and the entire garden before tomorrow's barbecue. On my way to the kitchen, the first place to clean on my very, very long list, I had found the letter that was now lying in front of me on the doormat. I had been curious from the moment I'd recognised the writing on the envelope as Liam's. We had only seen each other last week, and the barbecue was planned for tomorrow, and texts had gone back and forth all week long, so it appeared a bit strange to receive another letter now.

I decided to make me some coffee and take the thick envelope outside so I could read it in the morning sun. I hadn't been expecting the story that was written on the seven pages of white paper, and the sadness and just the way I felt for Liam forced me to take three breaks before continuing, taking a few minutes to make more coffee, or mowing the lawn. Now I had finally reached the end, and I felt like I at least had to let him know that his letter had reached me, so he knew that I had read the story. I wanted to do more than just that though, I wanted to confirm that I was still here for him, no matter what. That I was willing to wait for him. Because I realised that, even if he would never get ready to move on and start dating, I would wait for him. I could never feel for someone the way I felt for him. I had truly loved Emily, I really did, but it still could compare in no way to what I had felt for Liam, and what I felt all over again now. I could never settle for anything less anymore.

I bit my lip, still thinking while I typed my message.

_Liam, I got your letter and read it. Thanks for telling me all of this. It must've been so hard. I'm here if you need me babe. X Haz_

After sitting in my chair for a few more minutes, I finally got up and started cleaning up the gigantic mess that was my house. I needed some parties or at least some visitors every now and then to make sure I did some cleaning. I put some loud guitar music on and got started, only pausing briefly to grab some lunch, the occasional cup of tea and dinner at eight. When I fell down on the couch around ten, the house looked impeckable, I was so proud of myself to have cleaned the first floor too, even though no guests would go up there so it wasn't completely necessary. The garden was cleaned up as well, the grass short again, leaves and stray wood cleaned up so we'd have space for the large garden table Gemma would bring tomorrow, as well as the barbecue. I decided to call it an early night, knowing I'd better get up early in the morning to get the shopping and preparations done before everyone would arrive in the early afternoon.

Gemma's car was already parked on my drive way when I came back from the store, I had forgotten some things on my first trip, so I had to return to get them after I'd finished preparing vegetables and potato salad en all that stuff. She had a key to my house, and I found her, Glen and their children in the backyard when I got inside myself. The table was already there, chairs around it, and Gemma was currently busying herself with setting the table while Glen stood at the barbecue together with Ethan. Louise was in the back of the garden, spread out lazily on a lounge chair, trying to get a tan as she read a book. I kissed my sister and niece before I joined Ethan and Glen at the barbecue, pretending to join in on the firestarting fun. Truth was I wouldn't know how to light a fire if my life depended on it, so I was happy Glen was a bit more of a macho man that took it on himself to do it. I teased Ethan a bit about Jude, causing him to blush furiously. He had sounded pretty interested when I told him about Liam's 15 year old daughter, and I knew he hadn't had a girlfriend in quite a while. I chuckled at his eagerness to meet this girl I had been talking about, especially when I remembered Liam's comment about her flirting habits. If I had any idea of what Jude would be like, Ethan was in for the rollercoaster ride of his life.

The delicious smell of the barbecue was already spread throughout the garden, and probably the entire neighbourhood when my phone rang. Liam was calling to let me know he was at the front door but nobody answered the doorbell. I hurried inside and greeted him and the three kids who were waiting not-so-patiently to get in. Jude looked extremely eager to meet Ethan, asking me if he was there already before she got inside, and ignoring Liam's pleas to tune it down a little bit. I confirmed his presence in the garden, at which she pushed past me and found her way through my living room and kitchen to the backyard. I said hello to Kate and Sam, chuckling at the football he was holding in his arms proudly, before I showed them the way.

"Quite a bachelor pad you have here Haz!" Liam teased as he admired his surroundings. I slapped him around the back of his head as he stepped outside, still chuckling a bit.

"Leeeyum!" My sister came running from the back of the garden to where we were standing, near the door to the kitchen. She engulfed him in a bone crushing hug before releasing him and holding him at arm's length. "You haven't changed one bit, have you? It's so good to see you again!"

I heard Liam politely denying her compliment before he complimented Gemma on her looks. I took Kate and Sam with me, introducing them to Glen, Ethan and Louise, although Ethan seemed a bit preoccupied by a certain curly haired girl that was putting it all out to impress him. It was cute though, and nothing like skanky or anything like that, so Glen and I just both shook our heads as we let them to it and we took some cans of soda out of the coolbox that was on the lawn next to the table. Kate was currently making conversation with Louise, both a can of coke in their hands, while Sam put his best puppy face on, begging me and Glen to play some football with him. Something we gladly agreed to as a glance to the other side learned that Gemma was still keeping hold of Liam. They always got along pretty well, so I guess it was only natural for them to catch up after 20 years. He joined our little footballmatch half an hour later, teaming up with his son while I played with Glen. About fifteen minutes later, Sam was obviously getting tired from running around so we decided to quit it and I headed to the kitchen to get the meat out. Liam followed me inside, being the gentleman he always had been to help me out, although I told him several times he could just sit down and relax. I gulped at the way he was leaning against the kitchen counter, as it reminded me so much of when we were still together. I supposed it was just one of his habits he never lost. I took out two beers and handed him one as I started organising the meat on different plates.

"Thanks for your text yesterday Haz." he finally said softly. I looked up at him and smiled.

"Thanks for your letter. Had a good time catching up with Gemma? I hope she didn't bore you with all of her workstories."

"It's actually really great to see her again, it made me realise how much I missed her. Your parents are not coming then?"

"No, they had some meeting at the local pub so they bailed out. They wanted me to say hi though."

He took one of the plates out of my hands after we both finished our beers, getting back outside to join the rest of our families. These few minutes would turn out to be the only private ones we'd get for the rest of the night, much to my regret. It had been a pretty enjoyable night though, everyone seemed to have fun and lots of laughter had been going around. Sam had fallen asleep on Liam's lap an hour or two before he finally decided to go home, and he looked utterly adorable, much like his dad when he was sleeping, I remembered.

Ethan had asked Gemma if he could stay the night here, something we used to do more but now it had been quite a while since our last time, due to my time writing and recording. We had just finished putting everything away in the fridge when I offered him a beer. Technically he was under age, but I knew Gemma and Glen allowed him to have an occasional beer around the house, so there was no reason why he couldn't have one now. He accepted the bottle with a wide grin before he slumped down on the couch, remote control in hand.

"So, Ethan, is she a good kisser?" He looked up startled, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Wha-what? Who? What do you mean?"

I chuckled at his alarmed expression. "I saw you two in the back of the garden, while you thought we were all too busy talking. I don't think your parents or Liam noticed though. And don't worry, I won't tell them."

His blush deepened even more, and he nodded before he spoke up again. "I got her phone number, think I should ask her out?"

I shrugged as I put my arms around his shoulder. "If you really like her, then yes, you should ask her out. Take her somewhere nice and give her a proper first date before kissing her again." I winked before turning my attention back to the TV, my mind already wandering to Wednesdaynight, when Liam and I would go to the movies together. Not a date, of course, but still.


	24. Again, not a date

The sound of the doorbell sounded through the house as I rushed into the bathroom. Crap! I was so late! Or Harry was early. The last option was the right one, a quick glance on the clock taught me. I was once again very happy about the second bathroom upstairs, so Sam could take his shower downstairs as I prepared for the night in the en suite to our bedroom. A quick brush through my hair would have to do though, as Harry obviously had arrived already. I could hear him talking and joking with Jude when I got out of my bedroom a few minutes later.

"Dad! Harry's here!" she called out. It actually surprised me she hadn't done that before. And not even a smart remark about this so being a date. Well, she had been pestering me about all the way home from school to dance practice and back home, so perhaps I deserved a break now. 

"I know, I know!" I said, slightly out of breath as I reached to bottom of the stairs. "Hi, shall we go?" I added, a smile directed to Harry before turning to Jude to give her my usual rant about the night. 

"Dad! I know everything I should know, and I will call you if anything goes wrong. Now leave and enjoy your da-" She pushed me out the door, but I cut her last word off with a stern look, causing her to sigh and try again. "Your evening that is definitely not a date, yes I know. Bye!"

We were both outside on our driveway, the door slamming shut behind us before I could wrap my mind around it. I shrugged, and followed chuckling Harry to his car, taking my now almost familiar place in the passenger seat.  I turned around to face him again, as we talked a bit about our days, well, to be honest it was mostly me complaining about how busy things already were with work and hobbies and clubs, even when school had only just started two days ago.

"By the way, I heard your nephew is taking my daughter out on Saturday? And if I heard well they already kissed last week." I said, amused and a bit bothered at the same time. It was still my daughter and in my eyes she wouldn't ever be ready to date , I supposed.

"Ah, so she told you?" he smirked, glancing sideways briefly.

"Not really, I heard her gushing about it to Kate. Apparently kissing skills run in the family, if I may believe her." I winked at him before continuing. "But she had to ask me permission to go on that date of hers, so yes, she told me a little bit. Smartly leaving the kiss out of it."

He chuckled and shook his head. "Well, please don't pull his head off like you wanted to do with her previous boyfriend Liam? I wouldn't know how to explain that to Gemma."

I giggled, surprising myself with the boyish sound that suddenly filled the car. Harry looked at least equally surprised but seemed to like it, joining in with the laughter as he pulled up to the cinema complex. The ticket line moved fast, and Harry insisted on buying us popcorn and a large cup of coke, although I repeatedly told him I had just had dinner and didn't need anything to eat or drink. 

We kept on joking while we walked into the movie theatre that was not even half filled when we entered, picking a seat around the middle. Harry joked about sitting in the back row like we used to do when we only just started dating, so nobody would notice us not watching the movie and just making out all the time, but followed me into the seats we had picked anyway. I got a casual flirting vibe from him every now and then while we were sitting in the dark theatre, making me blush at some of his corny and cheesy remarks so I was happy the lights were already out. Not only because I didn't know how to react, and now I could just pretend I was watching the commercials intently, but also because I wasn't sure if he was flirting on purpose, or if he was just being his normal self. I never really got to witness normal-not-my-boyfriend-Harry before, because he was all shy and closed up when we first met, and we got together soon after. I started munching on the popcorn anyway, it gave me something to do while we waited for the actual movie to start. It was his choice of movie, so if it turned out as bad as the play we went to see last time, it was at least not my fault this time. 

The theatre went even darker when the first images of the movie came on. I had a really hard time concentrating though, as I was very much aware of Harry's arm touching mine on the armrest. It felt... good. Nice and comforting, but also weird and a bit scary. My heart fluttered in my chest when I noticed he didn't move his arm either, but I felt guilty, and unsure about what was going on. This was all just so confusing. In the end, I reached for the large coke that sat in the cup holder between our seats and took it as an excuse to leave my arm a bit closer to my body when I put it back on the armrest, now a little less than an inch between our arms, but still not enough space to prevent the hair on my arm to stand up straight. I scolded at myself for reacting like this, it wasn't like me to get so... involved. So lost in my own feelings. I glanced sideways at Harry, who didn't seem to be bothered by our contact, his eyes focused on the screen, which left me even more frustrated. Why was I getting so worked up by this?

I tried to forget about the tingling feeling in my arm and the flutters in my chest and concentrated on the film that was playing. After another thirty minutes, I actually succeeded, and was pleased to see that it was actually a very good movie. The ending was fabulous as well, so we sure had something to talk about on our way out. We were still discussing if the lead character had taken the right decision in her love conflict when we reached the car and Harry asked me where he should drive me. I glanced at my phone, no missed calls and no messages, and it wasn't even that late, so I decided to be bold and tell him to take me out for a drink somewhere. His grin threatened to split his face in half as he looked at me. "How very brave of you mister Payne!" I slapped his leg playfully as he drove off, steering us to a nearby pub he thought was nice and quiet enough to talk some more. 

I got into the boot halfway the round table, across from where Harry was sitting, offering him his beer. No matter how hard I tried, my leg seemed to gravitate to his all the time, so our knees were touching the slightest bit. I blushed a little when I first noticed, but he didn't seem to care, or even notice, so I stopped caring too. We just talked about random things, I loved this, it was all just casual, even natural in a way. A slightly awkward moment was avoided when he dodged out of a compliment I gave him about his new songs, I suppose it was kind of weird, as most of them were about me. We even talked a bit about David, although it wasn't as much as he had implied last time, but I supposed telling little bits at a time would be good. The worst part was already out with the long and hard letter I had written last week. Harry went to get us another drink, and when I glanced at his watch I was surprised, and slightly disappointed to see how late it already was. I kind of regretted it, but if I wanted to make it through the rest of the week I really should head home. He agreed, and said something about an important meeting at his management's office the next day, so a few minutes later he was driving me home. 

He was just telling me a story about a girl hitting on him and one of his friends while they were on holiday, sniggering at her embarrassment when they said they were lovers, just to get rid of her annoying behaviour around them, when he turned into my street. I fell silent, regretting even more that the night was really coming to a close now. He turned the key and the motor as well as the radio stopped, leaving us in complete silence. I stared hard at my hands fumbling with my house keys, not knowing what to say or do. 

"I loved tonight Harry." I finally whispered, shyly looking up to meet his bright green eyes that shone even in the dark. "Thank you." He smiled and leaned in as I did the same. It was a bit of an uncomfortable one armed hug, with the handbrake between our bodies, but it didn't matter. I turned my head so I faced his neck, secretly inhaling his familiar scent before I pressed a lingering kiss on his cheek. I looked back at my hands as I sat up straight again, trying to say something but no words came out. He picked up on it and took my chin between thumb and index finger, making me lock eyes with him.

"It's okay Liam, take your time."

I nodded and smiled, both happily and sadly, again it didn't make sense, but none of my feelings seemed to make sense tonight, pressing another quick kiss on his cheek before getting out of the car and opening my front door. Once again I waited for the red lights of his car to disappear around the corner to go inside, the house all dark and quiet as it should be.

Thousands, no millions of feelings and thoughts were still swirling through my head and body when I was in bed, covered with the cool, silky sheets, gazing up at the ceiling when I received Harry's text, notifying me of his arrival at home. I smiled at his sweetness and bit my lip as I turned to my side, too exhausted to give it another thought.

_I know you're waiting for me to tell you I got home safely, so here goes. And I really mean it, it's okay. I'll be here, waiting. Forever if I have to. X Haz_


	25. At least someone has a date

I let myself in with the key that Gemma had given me years ago and hummed happily as I walked into the kitchen, where Gemma, Glen and Louise apparently had just finished their dinner. I greeted them and sat down at Ethan's regular place.

"Hello little bro! You seem happy?!" Gemma said, eyeing me as I picked up a piece of bread.

"Well I am happy, actually." I smiled, starting to munch the edges. I really was happy. At first I had been afraid that my flirting would be too forward or would scare Liam, but none of that appeared to be true. He even returned some of my touchy feely moves, although I could tell he was still a bit nervous about it. And then that hug and kiss in my car... I knew we still had a long way to go, but at least now I felt like there was really hope for us. So, yes, I was happy, ever since Wednesday I was humming and singing my way through the days.

"That's good. Have you eaten Harry?" Oh my ever so caring sister.

"Yes Gem, I have, it's just me and my bread addiction. Where's our lover boy?"

Glen chuckled. "In the bathroom for the last 45 minutes. I went to check on him 15 minutes ago but he insisted that he didn't need any help."

"He's so nervous," Gemma smiled. "When are you leaving?"

"In five minutes if he doesn't want to be late, traffic is a real bitch tonight. Sorry Gemma." I added an appology immediately, knowing she would be shooting daggers as soon as the swear left my mouth. When we both still lived at home, she swore like a sailor herself, but ever since the kids were born, she had a strict non swearing policy in front of them. Although I was pretty sure Louise would know her fair share of swear words now that she was 14. And Ethan... well let's say he could compete with his mother when she was his age. "I'll go get him." 

"Ethaaaaaan, lover booooooooooooooy" I shouted upstairs as I walked down the hallway. His feet came thundering downstairs and a few seconds later his flustered face appeared at the top of the first flight of stairs. "I'm not a lover boy!" he said, trying to cover up for his blush. " _Uncle Harry."_ Ouch. Touché. I hated to be called uncle, probably something to do with my fear of being old blah blah blah, but the kids just always called me Harry. Plain and simple. "Could you help me with my tie?" he pleaded as he handed me a silky royal blue tie. I did as he asked me while I looked him up and down. He looked pretty handsome, if I may say so. Black formal shoes, dark grey formal pants and assorted blazer, grey shirt and royal blue tie. The boy had taste. I took him into the kitchen so his parents could tell him he looked good (Gemma) and give him some last parental advice (Gemma the motherly worried part, Glen the how to score with a girl part) before we went outside to my car.

Glen and Gemma needed their own car tonight, because they would be visiting some friends, so Ethan had asked me if he could use mine. Perfect excuse for me to offer driving him to Liam's and spend the night with him myself when Ethan and Jude were out on their date. Liam had been happy with my offer, because Sam would be in bed quite early and Kate was on a sleepover for a friend's birthday.

"Are you nervous Ethan?" I asked, a big grin etched on my face as I saw him jittering his legs non stop.

"W-what? Me? Nervous? Oh, no, of course not. It's just a date!" he answered as the fiery red came back onto his cheeks.

I chuckled but decided to give him a break. "What are the plans for tonight?"

"There's an open air cinema at the river, there's a supposedly good movie playing tonight, and then maybe a few drinks after." I nodded approvingly. Good choice for a first date. Bitchy traffic appeared to have died down a bit, making us arrive at Liam's 10 minutes early. I got out of the car and walked up the driveway, only noticing Ethan was still in the car when I reached the front door. I shot him a questioning look, at which he only shrugged. "We're early Harry! I can't be this early on a first date, now can I?"

I shook my head, and told him I would be going inside anyway, but he insisted on waiting in the car until it was 8pm exactly. Liam looked a bit puzzled when he saw only me leaning on his doorpost when he came to answer the bell, but let out a giggle when I told him about Ethan's plan. 

"Jude's still in the bathroom anyway, she's been in there for at least an hour and a half. I had to let Sam use the shower upstairs so he can go to bed in a bit." he said as he walked to the kitchen in front of me. Sam was sat at the kitchen table, making a Man U puzzle. He looked up and jumped off his chair to hug me as soon as he saw me. I picked him up in my arms and listened to his story about how he was going to school again on Monday and he looked forward to it because he would get a really cool teacher. Soon after, the door to the bathroom opened and Jude stuck her head around the corner, a panicked look in her eyes when she saw me. 

"Is Ethan here already? I still have 5 more minutes right?" I chuckled and told her he didn't want to be early so he was still waiting outside, at which she let out a relieved sigh. "Dad could you please come and zip my dress? I can't reach it." A minute later they both came out of the bathroom. I let out a whistle at her looks, making her blush on the spot. Her knee-lenght dress was the same royal blue color as Ethan's tie, hugging her body up to her waist and flowing down from there. She looked just absolutely stunning with her blue eyeshadow to match it. The doorbell sounded through the house again, signalling that it was now 8pm, and Liam started his parental advice speech as he walked her to the door. I followed them because I still had the carkeys in my pocket. Ethan's eyes went wide as saucers when he saw Jude, and I couldn't blame him. Liam repeated again he wanted his daughter home before 2am before he let the two blushing youngsters leave the house. 

I waited in the living room while Liam went upstairs to put Sam to bed, killing time with yet another rerun of an old sitcom I never really liked in the first place. 

"Tea?" he asked as he walked into the living room again. I chuckled at the worry on his face and nodded, following him into the kitchen.

"Why are you looking so worried Li?" I asked as I leant against the counter next to where he was filling the kettle and putting it on.

"Did you see how he looked at my daughter? You would be worried if she was yours!"

I chuckled. "You can't blame him Li, she looked stunning. And you don't have to worry, Ethan's a decent guy, absolutely no need to rip his head off."

He smiled, looking a little embarrassed of his overprotective ways when it came to his daughter. He dropped two sugars in my mug and handed it to me, together with a spoon before adding milk to his tea and walked back into the living room. 

"Shall I put on some music?" I asked with a glance at the TV. Nothing good was on, and I'd rather talk to him than watch the crap that was broadcasted. He nodded and switched the TV off, making himself comfortable on the couch while I looked for a good CD. 

A few minutes later, we were both deeply engaged in conversation, Ed Sheeran's third album sounded in the background and I was leaning into the armrest. My legs crossed in front of me, my bare feet touching Liam's who mirrored my position, my shoes in front of the couch. He looked comfortable, at ease, talking about everything that came to mind. I enjoyed talking to him, it was as if we never ran out of topics, and when it was silent for a few minutes, it was never uncomfortable. 

"Oh Haz, I'll never forge that first time that David had to change Jude's diaper for the first time. He had avoided it ever since we took her home, I think she must've been two weeks old or something, but I had to go back to work soon, so I insisted on him trying. Not only did he succeed to put the diaper on backwards, but also inside out. And he didn't seem to understand why she wouldn't stop crying. He tried everything, feeding her, singing her a lullaby, rocking her to sleep, but she kept on wailing and kicking her feet. After an hour or so, he finally realised something was wrong with her diaper because her clothes were dripping wet by then. He was so mad at me for not telling him earlier." We both chuckled at yet another story about David. He truly seemed like a great guy and it was obvious that he had loved Liam very much, something I could only thank him for. Liam still loved him, anyone who listened to him talking about his husband could tell that, and although I knew that was the main thing that kept him from giving in to his feelings and start over with me, I couldn't blame him. He had always been happy with David and it was only natural to miss him. He had been such a large part of his life, of his family's life. 

It was almost 1am when I noticed Liam's eyes closing for a little longer than necessary when he blinked. "You're tired." It wasn't a question. He nodded and blushed a little as he stifled a yawn. 

"Yeah, I woke up at 5.30 this morning, couldn't sleep anymore with the rain pooring down on the roof." I smiled, remembering he had always been that way, it was one of the reasons why our flat wasn't on the top floor. 

"You can go to sleep if you want to, I can just wait here for Ethan, you don't have to feel obliged to stay up because I'm here. Maybe me coming over here wasn't such a good idea after all." I rambled, suddenly realising I was forcing him to stay up late because I wanted to spend another night with him. A jolt shot through my body as he laid his index finger on my lips, at which I fell silent. 

"I'm glad you came tonight Haz." He had this unreadable look in his eyes as he locked them with mine. I gulped at his intense gaze, not sure what was about to follow. He leaned in and pressed a soft, lingering kiss on my cheek, right at the corner of my lips, making me long for another, for more, for another kiss like we had shared the first time but I didn't dare to move. It took all my strength not to, to just enjoy the prickling feeling that his lips had left, afraid that if I would take it further, do what I desired so badly, I would scare him again. I realised my eyes were still closed while he wasn't close to me anymore. I opened them and felt a blush spreading on my face as I saw his soft smile. 

"M-me too." Damn him, why did he make me feel like a 16 year old on his first date?

"So no, I'm not going to bed when I can enjoy your company for a little longer." And he said he was bad at flirting? This sure counted as flirting to me!  My face felt like it would burst into flames anytime now, and he seemed to notice as he changed the subject onto a lighter note. "And besides, I wouldn't want Jude to come home and not have to face me. I want every single detail of her date before I let her go to bed." he chuckled and I joined in, the tension gone as soon as our laughter sounded through the living room. He went into the kitchen to get us some more tea, and we talked for a little while when he sat down again, until we heard the motor and saw the headlights of my car on the driveway. Liam nodded approvingly as he noticed it was quarter to two, and I had to keep him from running to the door, so the two love birds could have some more privacy before coming inside. He reluctantly agreed to wait to go out into the hallway until Jude opened the front door with her key, a few minutes later. I chuckled at how he looked so composed and at ease, while I knew he was dying to hear his daughter out about tonight. Ethan was waiting in the car, again, and Jude excused herself to the bathroom as soon as she got in, saying her goodbyes to me when she walked past. 

"Well I guess this is my cue to leave." I smiled at Liam. "Don't give her a hard time Li, she looked happy."

"A little too happy if you ask me." He grunted, causing me to laugh at his face, at which he smiled his cute half smile. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, inhaling his familar hazelnutty scent as I pressed a kiss onto his cheek, close to his neck before letting go again.

"Thanks for coming Haz. I really had a great time."

"Me too. And yes, I'll send you a text to let you know I got home safely." I winked before walking out the door. If it wasn't for Ethan watching me intently in the passenger seat of my car, I would've waited a few minutes, leaning against the brick wall of his house, trying to regain my composure before getting into the car and driving home. Now a couple of deep breaths would have to do the trick. I got in the car and studied Ethan's face. "You've got lipstick on your face."

"W-what? Where?" he stuttered as he tried to locate it in the rearview mirror. I laughed at the panic on his face.

"There is none, but now at least I know that you kissed her again. Come on, tell me about your date, how did it go?"

He scoffed at me but couldn't prevent a smile from spreading on his face as he told me how great the evening had been. And of course she still had to ask Liam's permission, but they wanted to go out again next Friday, after her dance practice. 

_Home safely! As well as Ethan. Hope Jude survived your interrogation :P Loved tonight babe. Sleep tight. X Haz._

_She survived. Had a great time too. Sweet dreams hot shot. Love, Li._


	26. How long can we deny this is a date?

I pushed the on-button on the dishwasher after having put the last plate in it. It had been a fun but tiring birthday party for Sam. His eyes had lit up when he saw his superman cake with 9 candles on top. My little boy was really growing up fast. It was his first birthday when there wasn't a card from David in the mail. It was now too long ago since he died, he wasn't able to send cards this much up front. I think it bothered me more than it bothered Sam though, as well as with Jude's and Kate's birthdays earlier this year. He was just happy with the cards and gifts he got from me, his sisters, his grandparents, his aunt Kendra and Harry. By now it was pretty normal that Harry was invited to parties at our house, the kids loved him, and he was just a marvellous friend. Him and my dad had been talking almost the entire afternoon, catching up to those 21 years they hadn't seen each other. I could hardly believe it was now over a year ago that I wrote him that first letter. I loved having him back in my life, although it scared me too. He confused me, the feelings I got whenever he was around, they were overwhelming and a bit scary, but I tried not to let it get to me and just enjoy the moment. And most of the time, that worked perfectly. There had been more than a few tight hugs and almost kisses, but so far, nothing more had happened, something that left me with mixed feelings too. 

I sat down on the couch, enjoying the silence around the house. Sam was already sound asleep, an hour before his usual bedtime, but he was completely knackered after his party, Kate was upstairs finishing her homework for Monday and Jude was out on a date with Ethan. They were going out for almost three months, and they really seemed to like each other. He had been invited to dinner here a couple of times, and I had to admit I actually liked him too. The urge to rip his head off diminished more and more every time he came around. The fact that he was Harry's nephew helped too, I had called Harry more than once and he always managed to calm me down and reminded me of us when we were their age. Not that that was very comforting, because I knew very well what we both really wanted to do back then. But I made sure there weren't any sleepovers and Jude always had a tight curfew, so I was pretty sure nothing had happened so far. I had tried to talk about it with her, but she had yelled at me with embarrassement. I had left her some condoms and the card from our GP so she could get birth control anyway. No matter how hard it was to imagine my daughter having sex, if she was ready for it, I suppose I had no say in that, but I sure as hell wasn't ready to be a granddad.

I got a little nervous when I thought about next Friday. It was the day of the press release of Harry's new album, with a big and posh party. He could bring someone, and he had asked me. Of course I had accepted, smiling at his rambling about how this didn't mean us going out on a date, he just wanted me to keep him company. Kendra was glad to have the kids over for another sleep over again, as it was already quite a while since they last had been over, so everything was set for us to go out together. It didn't have to mean us going out on a date, but I wondered how much longer we could deny that all those little outings were in fact dates. We went to the movies, to the theatre, just to the pub, he came over here and I even went to his house a couple of times, but we kept on calling it hanging out. Going to a posh party together was getting awfully close to dating though. I was not sure if I really minded, even if it still felt weird to think about dating someone else after David. I was glad Kate and Jude had actually dropped the subject and were just happy to have Harry around, as they too noticed that it made me happy.

My train of thoughts was interrupted when Kate appeared on the couch next to me, cuddling into my side. "Hey sweetie. Finished your homework?" She nodded, crawling on my lap, her eyes trained on the TV. I loved how she still liked to cuddle even though she was 13 now. We watched the movie that was on together, Kate carefully avoiding to look at the clock, hoping I wouldn't notice it was already way past her bedtime. I decided not to care just for today, it was Saturday and Sam didn't have to play football tomorrow, so we could all sleep for a little longer anyway. When the credits were rolling over the screen I finally send her upstairs to bed, as I waited up for Jude to come home from her date.

She was delivered right on time by Ethan, as usual. The happy glow radiating from her face was becoming a constant too. He obviously made her happy, and what more could I wish for for my daughter? She gave me a quick goodnight kiss before walking to the bathroom to brush her teeth and headed upstairs, reminding me again that I didn't have to wait up. I should know by now that Ethan always got her home in time. I knew she had a point, but I would always remain a control freak.

The week flew by, it was really busy at work, and I needed to help Jude and Kate with their schoolwork as Christmas exams were coming up, and Sam was struggling with his maths so he needed some reviewing too. I had picked up all three of them from school and dropped Jude at dance practice, Kate at the art academy and Sam at Kendra's, who would pick the girls up when they were done. I headed home in a hurry, Harry would come and pick me up in an hour and a half and I really needed a shower before I was ready to go. No matter if it was a date or not, I did want to look, and smell, good. I took a last look in the mirror before I ran downstairs, grabbing a cereal bar from the kitchen cupboard before I took out my shoes. I was rather pleased with the way I looked tonight, black shoes, grey pants and matching vest, burgundy shirt and grey tie. I had definitely looked worse in my life. I had just finished tying my shoes when the doorball rang, signalling Harry had arrived. I opened the door, quickly grabbing my long black coat on the way, to find him leaning on the hood of his car, as usual when he picked me up. I gulped. He looked simply smashing. Black suit, white shirt, burgundy bow tie. I kissed him softly on the cheek before getting in his car.

It was a short drive to the hotel where the party was held. Harry stopped in front of the door, handing his keys to one of the guys that was waiting to park the car. He smiled confidently as he walked through the lobby, greeting a few people on the way. He introduced me to Tim, a guy from his management, and a few people from the studio where he'd recorded. I took two glasses of champagne of a tray a waiter was carrying past us, and put one in Harry's hands as he was indulged in a lively conversation with a woman he'd introduced to me as a journalist from an important music magazine. Half an hour later, he was called to the stage to play a couple of songs from his new album. I was unreasonably surprised, it was of course only logical for him to play something on the press release, but I had just forgotten about it. I stood at the right side of the stage, a little behind the army of photographers who all wanted a picture of the handsome man he was. 

At first he talked a bit about the album, thanking the various people that needed to be thanked, answering a few questions from the press, and then he took his guitar. He started off with one of my favourite songs on the album, Radio Silence, it always left me with mixed feelings when I heard it. For tonight I decided to stay with happy we were talking again. Next up was Lose You Twice, the way he played it live was a bit different from the way I had heard it on the CD, but it was good. A little cheerier than before. Last one was his cover from Foo Fighters. A lump formed in my throat as soon as I recognised the chords. The chorus kept on resonating in my head, even when the song was long done and Harry was off stage already. 

_It's times like these you learn to love again._

Was that true? Was I really learning how to love someone else after David? Was I finally learning to move on? I still loved Harry, I never stopped loving him, but was this feeling  _falling in love_ again? I was once again pulled out of my thoughts when I felt his large, warm hand on my arm.

"Are you okay, Li?"

I managed a smile and shook the doubts out my head as I nodded and followed him to the table where various sorts of food were on display and ready to be eaten. It all looked delicious, and I only realised how hungry I was when I started eating. Harry needed to do some socialising for another hour or so, when the large part of journalists started leaving and then only the people who had worked on the album were left in the large festivity room of the hotel. Harry explained quickly that the posh reception would turn into a full blow party anytime soon now, an occasion for everyone to let of steam after months of hard work and just have a good time together. I had danced to a few songs, laughing at Harry's weird moves when I decided to sit the next few out, enjoying myself equally with just watching the others have fun. A slow song came on next, I got up and went to get me another drink when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around quickly, surprised when I found Harry looking at me.

"Care to dance Li?" He looked almost shy when he asked. I nodded, smiling as he took my hand in his and led me to the dancefloor, ignoring the questioning looks from people around us. He had introduced me as an old friend from high school, our usual answer when people questioned our relationship, so I figured they wouldn't know what to think now that we were dancing to this song.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, mine fell into place around his waist, as if it had never been any different. I had to remind myself every few seconds to blink so I wouldn't get completely lost inside his bright green eyes. He smiled slightly, but the look in his eyes was dead serious. I couldn't keep this up, I felt resistance breaking down with the second, and I wasn't sure how I wanted this to end, so I decided to break eye contact and rested my head against his chest. It felt nice, soft and firm at the same time. He tightened his grip on me, and I did the same, leaving almost no space between us. The song ended a little after that, and I reluctantly let go. 

"Wait here okay? I'm gonna say a quick goodbye and then we can go." He was as reluctant as I was to let go and left me standing there, still dazed with what had happened. He returned a few minutes later, taking my hand and entertwining my fingers with his as we walked outside, where he asked to go and get his car back. I got inside a few minutes later, and kept my eyes trained on the road ahead, silence enveloping us as we drove back to my house. I was still a bit dazed when I got out on my drive way, walking over to the front door to open it. I noticed Harry was still in his car, so I looked at him, trying to tell him without words that I wanted him to come inside. He quickly got out of his car, locked it and was by my side in just a second. I walked into my living room, suddenly stopping in my tracks so he almost bumped into me. I took off my coat and threw it on the couch before I turned around and unbuttoned his. I held on to the front of his coat, eyes trained on his chest. His hand folded around my chin as he forced me to look into his eyes. 

"Haz..." my voice was croaky and hoarse. I had a hard time reading his facial expression but gulped and finished my sentence. "What's going on? What  _is_ this?"

His hand moved a little, cupping my cheek before leaning closer. "I don't know Li, what do you want it to be?" I could feel his breath over my face as he whispered. I gulped again before closing my eyes and closing the last inch between our lips.

Butterflies erupted in my stomach when they finally touched. His soft lips against mine, it felt like heaven, like old times, I only then realised how much I had wanted this all this time. The kiss was soft and loving, none of us tried to deepen it, it was perfect the way it was. Our lips moving in perfect synchronisation with each other, it was overwhelming, but in a good way. I don't know how long we had been kissing before we both pulled away, out of breath. His green eyes burned with love and something else. Desire? I felt how my own eyes mirrored it and it scared me a bit. One arm had snaked its way around his waist while we kissed, my other hand rested flat on his chest. I let go and turned around, hesitating one second before walking into the kitchen, trying to get my spinning mind to stop. I had taken one step when I felt his fingers around my wrist, pulling it softly.

I turned my head his way again, now my back wasn't facing him anymore, but I didn't turn around fully either.

"Don't run away Li, please." he whispered pleadingly. "We can figure this out. We'll take it slow, step by step. But please don't run, not again."

I sighed, knowing he was right. Running away from it wouldn't solve anything, we'd have to figure this out sooner or later, and we'd best start right away. I nodded and turned to face him again, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing another small kiss to his cheek before I rested my face on his chest. "We'll take it slow." I whispered as I inhaled his smell. He would always smell a little like a forest in the summer, after a thunder storm. 

After a few minutes, he freed himself from my embrace to take off his coat, and put his and mine on a chair so we could sit down on the couch. Nothing much was said, he just sat there, his arm around my shoulder as I laid next to him, my legs pulled up next to me and my head on his shoulder as I traced imaginary patterns on his chest with my fingers.

I felt peaceful again, he still had those ways to calm me down, even after all those years. "Are we... are we dating now Haz?" I finally asked softly. He remained silent for a little while, making me look up to search his face for an answer.

"Do you want us to be Li?" He finally replied. I thought about it for a bit, biting my lip as I made a mental list of pros and cons, but failing miserably, and if I was perfectly honest, I knew that this decision had to be made by my heart only. I found his eyes again, and smiled lightly as I nodded.

"Yes, I think I do. You?"

"There's nothing I'd rather have." he smiled back and pressed a small chaste kiss to my lips. 

We laid there for another hour, until I noticed I was falling asleep. I knew the both of us wouldn't object to him staying over, but I really needed to take this slow, and I knew he understood, it was him who had voiced it earlier, so I walked him to the door. We shared another tender kiss and I leaned against the doorpost as I watched him get in to his car and drive off. I stood there for a little while after his car had long disappeared out of sight, contemplating what had just happened and just feeling happy and at peace.  _This was falling in love alright._

 


	27. Patience pays off

"Fuuuuuuuck!" I shouted as I ran through my living room. I was cooking me some late night dinner when I heard my phone ring in the living room. I was desperate to get to it before it switched to voice mail, because I had been waiting for this call all day. Exactly like every other day in the last week. I jumped over the couch and managed not to fall face first on the carpet before grabbing my phone and pressing the green button.

"Hey babe!" The fact that I was slightly out of breath didn't keep me from grinning widely at nothing but my empty living room.

"Hey Haz." He sounded as if he was smiling himself, which made my grin even bigger. We had called every night since Friday, a week ago now and I loved every second of it. Both of our lives were rather busy so we didn't really find a moment to meet up this week, which I didn't really like, but calling each other daily was the next best thing. "How was your day?"

"Hmmmm good, I suppose. The interview turned out better than expected. Oh, and she hit on me. It was fun." I teased him, knowing how bad he was at handling jealousy.

"Fun huh?" I stifled a laugh at his annoyed tone but decided to stop his suffering anyway.

"Yeah, especially when I told her I was already dating the most handsome man in history. You should've seen her face, Li, best thing ever. And yes, I made her promise not to mention that in her article, don't worry." We had agreed on staying low profile, at least until we figured out ourselves where we were headed, and definitely until our families knew about us dating again. There had been a few rumours about me dating people before, and I hated that my family would find out those things from a magazine instead of from me. Not that those rumours were true before, but now they would be.

"Good. Jude and Kate say hi, by the way. And Sam asked if you were still coming to his football match on Sunday."

"Say hi back, and of course I'll be there. I promised him, and you. How was your day Li? You sound tired."

"Ugh. I am knackered to be honest. I'm just glad the week is over. Work has been hell and my boss just dropped another pile of papers on my desk this morning. Asking me to get it all done by Monday evening. Well, whatever, I'm going to enjoy the weekend first."

"Hmmm and what are you planning to enjoy?"

"Oh stop fishing for compliments cheesy man. You know I'm looking forward to tomorrow night." he chuckled, trying to sound disapproving of my pitiful attempt to be complimented. 

"So we're still on?"

"Yes, of course we are. The kids will be home for dinner but Jude has a sleep over with a friend and Kate asked to stay at Kendra's for the night, her niece has a pyjama party with some of her friends. Sam is staying at home but he goes to bed early anyway."

"Are you trying to get me all to yourself now, mister Payne?"

"I can't believe you're even asking. Yes. Yes. Yes I am. And I'm not even ashamed." I chuckled at his eagerness. This was surely a change in his behaviour. He seemed so carefree these last few days. 

"Have you told the kids yet? That we are... you know, dating?"

"No, I didn't know how, and I don't know if I should even tell them. Not yet anyway. Is that bad?"

"No Li, it's fine, I understand. Let's just figure this out for ourselves first, yeah?"

"Yeah. Thanks for understanding Haz."

"Of course I do. As long as I get to kiss you every now and then, I'm perfectly happy."

He chuckled before I heard him shouting something at one of his kids. "I'm afraid I have to go Haz, Sam needs my help washing his hair and Jude wants the phone to call Ethan. I shouldn't have told her that phone calls were free to any national number after 8 at night." he sighed.

"Well at least her boyfriend is a decent guy, Li. I'll let you to it, I should go and check on my dinner anyway. So tomorrow at 5 then?"

"See you at 5 Haz. Love you."

"Love you too babe."

I hung up and rushed into my kitchen, trying to save at least some of my dinner from burning to ashes in the oven, at which I miraculously succeeded. The pasta dish for which Gemma had given me the recipe turned out better than I had expected (not because of the recipe but because I had turned into a pretty lousy cook) and the cats were purring happily when I'd given them the leftovers. I stumbled upon an old action movie that was funny to watch, only because of the outdated special effects so I watched it until it was time to go to bed. I had a few radio interviews planned for tomorrow before I would be going to Liam's for dinner and a night in his living room. It was promising to be even better than before, because now I could give in to my urge to kiss him in between talking. I got into bed, sending Liam a goodnight text before setting my alarm for an unworldly early time and falling asleep soon after.

\---

"Well thank you for coming into the studio Harry, we're looking forward to the official release of your new album Radio Silence in a few weeks, and we'll be playing the new single Lose you twice starting from now."

"You're welcome, and thanks for promoting it." I smiled at the host before I took the headphones off and walked out of the studio. I'd had it with interviews for today. It was the fifth already and they had all been asking the same questions, over and over again. That was exactly why I hated these weeks before a new album came out., I wished I could just record one interview, or that they'd at least come up with some original questions. I was just happy I was done for today and quickly got into my car to drive over to Liam's. 

The house was unusually quiet when he came up to answer the door, I had expected more of a ruckus on a Saturday afternoon. "Hey babe." I greeted him quietly so none of the kids would hear what I called him. "Where is everyone?"

He smiled his breathtaking smile and answered that Sam was in the backyard, Kate was upstairs and Jude was out with Ethan for the afternoon. I smiled back and kissed him softly, now that I knew it was safe to do so without having to worry about being caught. He smiled against my lips, making his kiss even more addictive and harder to pull away from so we could get inside. "Well hello mister Styles. I like being greeted like that, you know?" he winked before turning around and walking into the kitchen. 

"Hmmm smells good, what are you cooking?"

"Just roast chicken, apple sauce and mashed potatoes. Sam's turn to choose today."

"The boy has taste." I smiled as I wrapped my arms around Liam who was now in front of the stove, adding cinnamon and raisins to the simmering apple sauce. "I always loved your apple sauce."

"I know." He smiled up to me and pressed another chaste kiss on my lips before thundering footsteps on the stairs signalled that Kate was coming down and forced us to let go. I sat down at the kitchen table and started reading the weekend edition of the newspaper that laid in front of me. Or at least pretending to.

"Oh Harry, hi! Can I ask you a question?" Kate asked as she barged into the kitchen. 

"Hi dad, how are you doing, I know I've been locking myself away in my room all day but I still love you." Liam said in a girly voice, pretending to be hurt as he winked at Kate, who rolled her eyes.

"Dad, don't be like that, you know I have to study and prepare for the Christmas performance at the academy. So Harry, can I borrow you for just a second?" she was rambling and I had to focus to understand what she was saying, but I nodded at her question.

"Sure Kate, what can I do for you?"

"We're having a few songs in the Christmas performance, and there's supposed to be guitar chords but they just seem wrong to the rest of the notes. Could you maybe have a look at them for me?"

"You play guitar?" I asked, surprised as neither she nor Liam had ever mentioned it before.

"Normally I don't, but the girl that does is sick for at least three months, so I had to take over, and it's coming along pretty well, but there are some bits that just don't sound right when I sing it."

"Sure, let's go upstairs and have a look then."

The next hour was spent trying to figure out the right chords to the song she needed to learn, as they were indeed terribly wrong, and trying them out a few times before we headed back downstairs. For only just learning to play guitar she was actually doing an excellent job, and her voice was really powerful and clear. When we entered the kitchen again, Liam was just about to serve dinner, and both Sam and Jude were already sitting on their usual places. 

"Had a good time with Ethan?" I asked Jude after I greeted her and ruffled through Sam's curls while I sat down in my chair. I was so much of a regular now that I actually had my own place at their table already. I loved it really. I chuckled at Jude's blushing as she answered she had indeed had a wonderful afternoon at the park. I'd seen them together a couple of times now, and they really looked adorable, and very much in love.

"You're still coming tomorrow Harry?" Sam asked eagerly as soon as the conversation stopped for a second. 

"Of course Sam, I promised I would, right? Can't wait to see you play for real."

He grinned happily before digging in to his food, turning it into one big mixed mess of gooey yellow-white substance. Liam sighed and shook his head when he noticed.

"Sam please, can you at least eat decently? We have a guest."

I chuckled and told him it was okay and it only showed that Sam didn't think of me as a guest anymore, which I took as a big compliment. Sam grinned at me again, offering me a bite of his mixed food, which I politely refused as I had a plate all to myself.

Soon after dinner, Liam took the girls to their destinations while I supervised Sam in the shower. His hair didn't need washing, so it was only making sure he was fully dried before he put on his pyjamas and preventing him from flooding the bathroom completely. I took his toothbrush back when Liam came into the bathroom again, checking if everything had gone alright. We both shot him a happy smile before Sam spit out the toothpaste and pulled me down to press a kiss on my cheeck, his mouth still sticky from the foam. "I don't need a story tonight dad, I'm a big boy after all!" he exlaimed as he jumped off the little stool he needed to reach the sink. Liam looked a bit baffled at this, but took his hand to take him upstairs anyway. 

I hadn't finished putting away the dishes when he came back into the kitchen. He frowned when he rested his bum against the counter top, looking at me walking back and forth from the table to the dishwasher. "He really didn't want a story." He seemed genuinely upset about that, so I pulled him into a hug and told him he could read me a story anytime he wanted, adding a kiss to clear the frown from his face. He chuckled at my sillyness and helped to put the last bit away so we could get into the living room together. He put on some music I didn't recognise, but I didn't really care what it was, as long as it didn't disturb our talking and cuddling. I was on one end of the couch again, legs  on the sofa and back leaning to the armrest, and Liam positioned himself between my legs, head on my shoulder and back against my chest. We had spent hours sitting like this before. I played with his fingers on his belly as we talked and joked, and flirted. I loved being able to flirt without having to think about his reaction. And I loved how he flirted back, even though he still thought that he was bad at it. A few hours later we switched positions when Liam had gone to the kitchen to get us some drinks, and he was sitting up now while I laid stretched out, my head resting in his lap, enjoying how his hands played with my curls. 

"Oh dear, I think I saw a grey hair there Haz!" he suddenly exclaimed, but I could hear he was grinning and trying to tease me by the tone of his voice only. And besided, I only went to the hairdressers last week to get my hair dyed.

"Yeah sure Li, nice try." He chuckled and slapped my shoulder playfully, disappointed I hadn't freaked out about it.

"I don't want you to go home." he said softly after a few minutes of silence.

"And I don't want to go home. But we both know that's what's best now, don't we?"

"Yeah, I guess. But I still don't want you to go."

"I'll be back tomorrow."

"I know, but I'll have to share you with the kids then. And I want you to myself some more."

"Oh stop whining Li. And just agree to go out on a proper date with me next Saturday. The real deal. What do you say?" His face lit up and a large smile took over his face. 

"The real deal? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'll be picking you up, and take you to a fancy restaurant, and we'll go to the movies or just walk around near the river after, and then I'll take you home again and say goodbye with a mindblowing kiss."

"I think I like the way that sounds. I'm not sure if I can get a babysitter again though, I've been asking an awful lot of favours from Kendra lately."

"Maybe we could bribe Jude to babysit, if I ask Ethan to come over and keep her company? They won't be alone, if that's what you're worried about. I'm sure they won't try any funny business when Sam and Kate are around." He bit his lip, a sign he was thinking about it before he finally nodded. 

"Okay, I'll ask her tomorrow. But can I at least have one more kiss before you leave tonight?"

I smiled and sat up, pulling myself on his lap before I cupped his face in my hands and pressed a loving kiss on his lips. I smiled when he deepened the kiss, the desire and desperation obvious when his tongue ran across my bottom lip. I didn't give him acces though, afraid that at least one of us would lose control if we turned the kiss into a full on snog.

We were both panting as we pulled away, and he seemed a bit disappointed because I didn't let him in. "Let's not go there yet Liam, we don't want this to get out of hand, right?" I whispered as I pressed small pecks on his lips. Finally he nodded and smiled at me, be it still with a hint of sadness in his eyes. 

"I know. I'll see you tomorrow at the club then? The match starts at 10."

"Then I'll be there at 9.30. Come on, get to bed or you'll be dead tired tomorrow and on Monday." I slapped his bum playfully and shooed him upstairs before I pulled the door closed behind me on my way to my car. 


	28. A long week... and a date

When we pulled into the muddy parking lot of Sam's football club that Sunday morning, I was happy that Jude and Kate were still half asleep and Sam was oblivious to this kind of things. I was just certain that my face was radiating happiness and love when I noticed Harry's car was already there. It seemed impossible, Harry Styles, famous for sleeping in and being late whenever he had to be somewhere early in the morning (and everything before 11 was considered as early) was actually early. For me. Or for Sam. Didn't matter, he was here, for us. The radiation became even worse when I spotted him at the side of the field. He hadn't seen us yet, and he was staring in front of him, a dreamy, glassy look in his eyes. It was quite cold, not unusual for the end of November, and he was dressed to resist the icy wind. He looked handsome, no, beautiful in his long grey coat, a white scarf wrapped around his neck and black woolen gloves without fingers. He had always worn them. He said he still wanted to feel what he touched, even though his fingers nearly froze off when it got really cold.

For once I felt really sorry that Kate and Jude had wanted to come to Sam's football match, because the only thing I wanted to do when he finally spotted us and his eyes locked with mine was run straight to him and kiss the life out of him. Instead I watched him scoop up my son and have a short conversation I couldn't understand as they were still 10 yards away from me. I waved back at Sam when he ran off to the clothing rooms and closed the distance between Harry and me. It sucked so badly to have to settle with a small hug and a chaste kiss on the cheek when his smell invaded my nostrils. For a second I wished we were 16 again and could just run off to the bathrooms during halftime to make out.

Sams match went by pretty quickly, his team played better than before but their contestants were first in their division so they won 8 to 3. Sam couldn't care less though, he was happy enough he only fell down in the mud once and grinned happily when he ran off he field at the end. It was already very clear that I wasn't that important to him whenever Harry was around, so I wasn't surprised when he started babbling about his match to Harry and just ignored me completely. After a few minutes I managed to draw his attention long enough to send him to the showers and told him we would be inside the small cafeteria waiting for him. Harry walked up to the bar to get us four hot chocolates, in an attempt to warm up again. I looked forward to the end of the season so I could get a break of standing here every weekend freezing to death. The hot chocolate tasted horrible as always, the only thing that resembled chocolate in it was the foul brown colour.

Sam wanted a coke when he got out of the shower, so I went to get him one. I was waiting at the bar for the eighteen year old bartender to notice me between all the players' big sisters that were putting it all out to get his attention when I felt a hand on my hip. I looked up to see who's hand it was and felt a big spread on my face as I found Harry next to me. "Hey babe." I whispered softly, suppressing the ever growing urge to kiss him and growing more frustrated with every minute that I couldn't do it.

The rest of the day flew by in a haze, Kate and Jude spent the afternoon studying and I helped Sam with his homework, counting down the hours until they would go to bed so I could call Harry. The same thing happened every day of the next week, come home from work, cook, clean, get everybody to bed, call Harry. It were the best 30 minutes of my day. I hated our busy schedules preventing us from seeing each other properly, but it was the best we could get.

On Friday the girls stayed up a little longer, as they wanted to see a movie that was on, keeping me up as well. I was knackered from another week from hell at work, but I couldn't go to bed without having heard him. In some ways this reminded me of when we were both 16, we used to call each other every night, secretly if we had to. I noticed I was close to falling asleep before the movie wasn't even halfway through, so I decided to go to bed and call Harry from my bedroom.

"Night girls, and Jude, thanks again for babysitting tomorrow."

"No problem dad, it gives me the chance to see Ethan before all exam-hell breaks loose. And I can use the extra money for Christmas gifts. Boyfriends are so expensive." she replied dryly, eyes still trained on the TV.

"Don't stay up too late?" I added before I went into the hallway, earning me an irritated glare and synchronous eye rolling from both of them.

"Took you long enough."

"Hello to you too. The girls are still up but I'm knackered, so I went up anyway." I replied, yawning loudly into the phone.

"You're working too hard Li." He sounded genuinely worried, but I brushed it off.

"It's not like I can do anything about it Haz. It'll get better when it's the Holidays, don't worry."

"That's still a whole month away. And I am worried, no matter what you say. Do you get enough sleep Li?"

"Does anyone with a full time job and three kids get enough sleep? Seriously Haz, I'll live."

He sighed, understanding he wouldn't be able to do anything about it and decided to change the subject. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"

"You have been asking me this all week, so I'd think you know that I am by now."

"I know, it's just that I am, really excited, I mean." I chuckled at his eagerness.

"Me too Haz, I really look forward to it. I take it you still won't tell me where we're going?"

"Nope, you'll have to wait and see."

"You're evil!" I whined, to be met with his chuckles.

"I am, and you love it."

"No, but I love you."

"God Liam, when did you get so corny?"

"I always have been, you just didn't notice because you were worse. And now you're a bitter old man."

"I'm not old! And not bitter. I think. Right?" He sounded like he was actually worried I'd meant what I said.

"Haz! Of course you're not bitter. And just a tad bit old. But so am I, so it doesn't matter." Another yawn escaped my mouth as I listened to Harry breathing on the other side.

"Go to sleep Li. I'll see you tomorrow. Pick you up at 6?"

"I'll be ready. But Haz, what should I wear?"

"I said fancy restaurant, so look fancy. And hot. But that shouldn't be a problem."

"And you're accusing me of being corny?"

"I'm younger, so I have more right of acting like a lovesick teen-girl. I sometimes feel like one anyway."

I rolled my eyes at him, although he wouldn't see and said goodnight before I switched off the light and fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.

 

I handed a 20 pound note to the delivery guy and called the kids for dinner before shooting him a small smile when he handed me the change and shutting the door. A few minutes later they were all sitting in front of the TV, happily munching away on their pizza's so I could finally get upstairs to shower and get dressed. It had been another busy Saturday with grocery shopping and helping everyone with studying and homework, and I was happy I had a few minutes to myself, to just relax under the warm water in the shower before I had to rush to get ready on time for Harry to pick me up. The bathroom was filled with steam when I finally got out, so I opened the door to the bedroom and quickly dried myself so I could get dressed. Harry had said fancy, so I went with black formal pants, black waistcoat (mainly because Harry always used to think I looked sexy in them), white shirt and a thin black tie. Fancy alright, but not over the top, I hoped. I still had no idea where he was taking me, so I had to guess this would be good.

I tried to make something of my hair, but it was getting long again, so my curls were hard to tame. After fifteen more minutes, I finally was reasonably pleased with what I saw in the mirror and I went back downstairs. I still had ten more minutes before Harry would be here, so that gave me time to go through this evening's arrangements with Jude before we left. Ethan would be picked up by Gemma at 11pm, so they wouldn't have to wait up for us to return, as Harry was bringing him over and we weren't exactly keen on having a curfew ourselves.

"Jude..." I started but cut myself off when I saw him. He was early, again, and was sitting in the armchair next to the TV, listening to Sam and Kate who were both fighting for his attention. I couldn't help but gasp when I took him in. Handsome was an understatement for the way he looked in that suit. Perfect was more like it. He looked up and his eyes locked with mine, his signature smirk on his face as he noticed my bewildered expression.

"You're early," I finally managed to say.

"Ethan was quite eager to get here," was his witty reply as he got up from his seat. "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded, completely forgetting the speech I had wanted to give Jude before. "Bye guys. Jude, call me if anything's up, okay?"

"Yes dad. Enjoy your date!" I registered Harry chuckling at that but only realised that I hadn't countered her remark when I was in the car.

"Shit. I didn't tell them this wasn't a date." I muttered as Harry reversed out of the driveway.

"So?"

"They'll know we're on a date now, Harry. I always told them it wasn't a date when they commented on it before."

"Well, maybe they'll think you're ignoring it. And besides, we are on a date, right?"

I sighed. "Yes, yes we are, but I'm not sure if I want them to know that yet."

"Li, relax. We'll figure something out if we have to. Now just enjoy tonight, okay? You do look hot, by the way."

I managed a smile and tried to think of something else, listening to the radio to distract my thoughts a bit. A familiar intro came on, at which I exclaimed I loved the song.Harry snorted, and I didn't really get why until I realised it was in fact his new single that was on. Great move, Liam. He was still teasing me with it when we pulled up a parking lot twenty minutes later.

"Come on suck up. We're here."

"And where is that, exactly?" I got out of the car and took in my environment. We were parked near an abandoned looking warehouse, close to the river. I didn't recognise the neighbourhood, even though it was only a 20 minute drive from my house. I looked at Harry in confusion, but he just smiled and took my hand in his, our fingers weaving together in a reflex. "Harry where are we going?" I finally asked as we were walking along the river banks for about 10 minutes.

"To the restaurant Li. Are you cold? You can have my coat if you want to?" he asked, noticing the slight shiver that ran through my body.

"No it's fine," I answered as I wrapped my arm around his waist underneath his open coat, my head leaning into his shoulder. "Are we almost there?"

"Halfway, I think. You don't mind walking there, do you? It's just that the weather is nice, and this way I could keep it a surprise where we're going for a bit longer."

"Like I said, it's fine. I'm just impatient to find out where we're going." I smiled up at him.

It took us 5 more minutes before we reached an inhabited area again, the trafic getting busier with every corner we rounded. Finally something started to dawn upon me. "Are you taking me to...?" I asked surprised.

He grinned and nodded. "Yep. I thought it was fitting. We had our first date there, you proposed there, and now another first date."

"Oh god Harry, you're hopeless. But hopelessly sweet and romantic too." I smiled, pulling him closer. "I wonder if they still serve that magnificent apple and blueberry crumble" I mused as we rounded the last corner before the restaurant came into view. The exterior had changed quite a bit, but that was probably for the best, since it had been over 20 years since we had been there, but the sign above the door was still the same. "I can hardly believe the restaurant still exists after all those years." We walked up the four steps leading to the door and let go of each other when Harry pulled the door open.

"Welcome to Julie and Julia's." a pretty looking girl smiled as we walked in. "Have you made reservations?"

Harry nodded and told her his name, at which she took our coats and guided us to our table at the window, looking out over the magnificent garden. It would probably look even better in the summer, but even now it looked quite stunning, with the Christmas lights spread over the bushes and trees so the entire garden bathed in their faint light. "They redecorated the garden too." I said when the waitress had left with our order for drinks. Harry nodded and said it looked even better than before.

The food was still as good as ever, and to my delight they still served my favourite dessert. I had saved some space for it, not wanting to miss out on it. Harry chuckled as he watched me eating it. He had said he'd had enough and stuck with a cup of coffee only.

"I take it it's still as good as it used to be?"

"Even better!" I replied after I swallowed my bite. "This is seriously the best thing ever."

"Oh is that so?" he asked with a smirk, one eyebrow raised. I just rolled my eyes at him and chose to ignore his fivehundreth sexual reference of the evening. I didn't really care if he made them, he was just joking around and it was pretty funny to be honest, but sometimes it was just best to ignore him. Half an hour later, we were outside again. I felt a bit elated because Harry had paid the entire check, but he had insisted he had asked me out, so he should pay. I knew he was too stubborn to give in, so I just muttered some objections, knowing it wouldn't matter.

"What do you want to do next?" he asked happily as he turned around to watch me. I shrugged, I honestly didn't care, as long as it wasn't going home. This evening had been absolutely brilliant so far and I wasn't ready for it to end. We ended up in a pub nearby, there was a band playing, they were probably just starting as they were around twenty, but they were quite good and their music was refreshing in a way. The music was too loud to allow much conversation, but it didn't really matter. We were in a small boot near the wall, sat close to each other at the round table so we could watch the band while they played. His hand was on my leg while it was pressed against his, a constant stream of warm fuzziness coursing through my veins at the contact. I loved how I could do this now, without having to feel nervous about flirting or about his reaction. I loved touching him, thinking of him as mine. I tried to stop my train of thoughts at the next thought that fought a way into my mind.

_How long would he want to wait for me? Until I could let him be mine in every way?_

It had crossed my mind a few times over the last week, but I had always managed not to think about it. It did worry me though. No matter how much I loved him, and how very much in love with him I was, no matter how badly I wanted to kiss him and hold him and touch him as soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew I wasn't ready for all of it. A full relationship, I mean. Not only sexual, although my body's reactions indicated that at least that part of me was very ready for it, but also... let him into my life completely. Let him be my partner again. Replace David. That was what it was really about, I suppose. How long would it take for me to accept that? How long until I found a way to think about it as something else than forgetting David, or even cheating on him? I didn't know. I honestly had no idea. I shook my head and let out a deep breath as I tried to rid myself of those thoughts. I wanted to enjoy tonight and thinking about this wouldn't help. At all.

"Li? Are you okay?" I noticed the music had stopped and Harry was looking at me with a worried look on his face.

"Yeah." I nodded and smiled. "I'm fine, just zoned out for a bit, sorry." I pressed a soft kiss on his lips and put my hands on his, playing with his fingers on my leg.

"Right. You'd tell me if there was something wrong, right?"

"I'm fine Harry, just kiss me some more while we wait for the next song to come on." I teased, brushing my lips on his. He smiled and eagerly accepted the invitation. He tasted like the apple cider he had been drinking before he had switched to mineral water. My responsible adult ways seemed to rub off on him. I let my tongue out of my mouth, licking his bottom lip softly. This time he did let me in, probably knowing it was rather safe doing this in a public place. I didn't give a shit about my usual rules for PDA. I was here, with the man I loved and I wanted to show him. And if the rest of the world didn't want to see us, they'd just have to look elsewhere. His kiss was different than I remembered. I wasn't sure if that was because of me remembering it wrong or him changing his kisses, but it was good nevertheless, so it didn't really matter. His tongue played with mine, discovering every inch of my mouth as he deepened the kiss, tilting his head a bit to his right. It was soft and firm at the same time, holding so many feelings. I pressed myself closer to him, my arms wrapping around his torso to pull him impossibly close as his were locked around my waist.

We were both panting hard when we let go, only because we were getting out of breath. There was passion, no, pure fire in his eyes when I looked at them. The green was darker than usual, filled with lust and love. I gulped, feeling almost shy and embarrassed when he looked at me like that. He cleared his throat and took another sip of his water.

"We better cool down a bit before we go outside, or I might have to rape you on our way to the car," he said casually, a small smirk on his lips but his eyes told me something else. He wanted me. I knew it. And I wanted him, but I couldn't. Not just yet. And I knew he knew and understood, so I allowed myself to return another sexual reference.

"It's not rape when it's with mutual consent, I believe." I smiled and was relieved as he chuckled.

"Yeah, that would be so romantic, wouldn't it? You and me in the frozen mud near the river, the smell of garbage surrounding us. What else could you wish for?" he smiled, the mischievousness glinting in his eyes again.

"Oh yeah, that's exactly what every man, or woman, dreams about." I replied jokingly.

He put his arm around my shoulder as I rested my head on his chest, our fingers playing together in a pointless battle as I listened to the music and Harry humming along with it close to my ear. I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his foresty scent. If it was a drug, I'd be a complete addict and not prepared to go to rehab. At all.

I could've stayed that way until I was dead and turned into dust, but the bell indicated the final round a few minutes after the band had stopped playing. We decided to leave, we didn't really want something else to drink anyway. I picked up my coat and handed Harry his before we headed outside through the crowd of people waiting to be served at the bar. He asked if I wanted to take a cab to his car, but I was fine with walking. It was cold, but the sky was clear and I was up for a little walk with him. We wrapped our arms around each others waists and started to walk back along the river banks, sometimes talking, but most of the time just enjoying each others company in silence, sharing more than one kiss on our way. I could've walked on for ages when we reached the car, but my feet were getting cold, so I happily warmed them when we got in. The drive was silent, my hand resting on his leg and I enjoyed the contracting of his muscles underneath my palm as his feet switched positions.

He parked on the driveway, looking at me while he bit his lip, apparently as uncertain as I was about what was next. I got out and walked around to his side of the car, pulling him out as I turned to lean on the hood of the car.

"I believe you promised me a mindblowing kiss when you brought me home..." I whispered softly, my hands on his hips. He took a step forward an tilted his head to the side, leaning in until there was only half an inch left between our lips. I swear I tried to be patient, but his scent, the look in his eyes, the feeling of his breath mingling with mine... I couldn't wait. So I crushed my lips onto his, kissing him hard, then soft, passionate, then sweet. It sure was mindblowing, and we were both panting heavily when we broke away.

"Did that live up to your expectations love?" he asked, a smirk on his face once more.

"Hell yeah." was all I managed to say before a large grin found its way on my face. I pecked him on his lips again before I broke away from his hold and walked to my front door, leaning against the doorpost while he got back into his car.

"Text me when you're home!" I added before his door slammed close. He opened his window and stuck his head through.

"Don't I always do that?"

"Yes, but still, you might forget."

"I won't forget Li. Goodnight."

"Night Haz. Love you."

"Love you Li."

I watched as he reversed of the driveway and waved when he turned the car to drive off the street. I didn't stay out to watch this time, as there was an icy wind blowing into the hallway.

 

I woke up late the next morning, stretching out under the covers before I got up. I went downstairs to make coffee first, before waking up the girls, but to my surprise Jude was already in the kitchen, studying at the table, and she informed me that Kate was in her room, doing the same. Apparently Sam was with the neighbours, they had a grandson his age and he had asked for Sam to come and play. I poured myself a cup of coffee, drinking it slowly and allowing myself to wake up further as I leaned on the counter. Jude turned around and studied my face, I quirked my eyebrow at her.

"So, it wás a date last night?" I choked on my coffee, and it took me a while to recover.

"What, why would you say that?" I finally brought out.

She smirked. "Because you didn't correct me when I called it a date yesterday. And you almost died when I mentioned it again."

I sighed and turned around, putting my cup down and rubbed my face before I faced her again.

"I suppose there's no point denying it then?" I sighed, a bit scared of her reaction.

She squealed and jumped up, engulfing me in a big hug as she kept on jumping up and down. "Oh dad! I'm so happy for you! Can I tell Kate? And what about Ethan?"

"Jude, calm down, okay? Let's just... not tell anyone yet. We've only just started dating, so, not yet, please?"

"Okay okay, my lips are sealed. Although you promised Kate too that we would be the first ones to find out if you started dating. So can I please, please tell her? But I'm still really, really happy for you dad."

"Thanks Jude. I appreciate your support. And yes, you're right, so we'll tell her later when she comes down, okay?" I only got another squeal and happy jumping up and down in reply. I chuckled and finished my coffee before I went for a nice and long bath, I could use that now.


	29. Wake up call

"Fuck you Gemma, leave me alone." I mumbled, slapping my hand in the general direction of where the irritating noise originated. There was nothing there, so I opened my eyes and realised I wasn't 18, and I wasn't at home and my sister wasn't trying to wake me up with one of her annoying goodmorning songs. It took me a few more seconds before I registered that it was in fact my ringtone that had woken me up. I grabbed my phone and pressed the accept-button without checking who it was. Didn't matter, they woke me up during a perfectly good sleep, so they better had a very good reason.

"Ello?" I grumbled into the phone.

"My god, Styles, please tell me you weren't still sleeping, do you know what time it is?"

"Djeez Liam. I don't care what time it is, it's obviously still sleeping time. What's up?" I managed to soften my tone a bit to the end of my sentence, but I just wasn't a morning person. I really wasn't. At all.

He chuckled. "Sorry for waking you up, but I thought you'd be out and about by now, it's almost noon."

"It's fine, did you just want a friendly chat or was there a particular reason to wake me up?"

"I...uh...I just wanted to give you a heads up about our fanclub."

"Fanclub? You're making no sense Li."

"Jude and Kate. They know."

"Know what?" I was only just awake, okay, I can't help it I'm a bit dense when I only just woke up.

"About us, dating."

"Oh. And?"

"Like I said, we have a fanclub."

"Oh. I take it that's a good thing?" I said, sitting up in my bed, causing the covers to slip down to my waist so the cool December air hit my bare skin. Why did I always have to leave the window open? It was freezing in here!

"They are certainly happy about it, but now I'm afraid they'll be even worse with forcing us to be alone together."

I grinned at the empty room in front of me as I tried to pull the covers up further. "I don't think I mind being alone with you."

He chuckled in reply. "Yeah I didn't think you would. But uhm... do you think we should tell Sam?"

"He doesn't know yet?" Liam explained how he wasn't home when Jude forced it out of him, and he still was at the neighbours when Kate had come down, but he probably would come home in an hour or so. We thought about it, but we both knew that Sam liked me, and he would probably feel left out if he found out that his sisters knew for a much longer time than he did.

"So, dinner tonight is okay with you?"

"Yeah it's fine Li, I'll tell Gemma I won't be there tonight, it's not really a problem."

"Okay. We'll be eating at 6.30, everyone needs to go to bed in time because of school and exams starting tomorrow for Jude."

"Shall I make sure I'm there at 5.30 then? Gives us plenty of time to talk to Sam?"

"That'd be perfect Haz. Love you. And thanks."

"Love you too Li. See ya in a few hours then."

I realised I wouldn't be getting any more sleep now, so I got out of bed and got out of my ice cold bedroom as quickly as I could to get in the warmth of the bathroom to take a long hot shower. I thanked myself for being a slob and always being too lazy to put my clothes away after they came out of the dryer and had been ironed, so there was a rather large choice available without having to go back into the cold bedroom. I opted for a light grey jeans, a white long sleeved T-shirt and added a blue costume vest on top when I went back into the bedroom to close the window. The empty cupboards in the kitchen reminded me I urgently needed to do some shopping, so I wrote it down on my calender so I wouldn't forget tomorrow. I managed to find a box of cereal and there was a bit of milk left in the fridge, so that would have to do for breakfast/lunch. There wasn't much left of my afternoon, so I just sat around, checking my schedule for the next week, it was mostly filled with some interviews, meetings and a few rehearsals for the new tour at the end of the week. Not very exciting, but yet it would probably prove to be too busy to meet up with Liam in the evenings. His work was being super busy lately, and he mostly went to bed around ten, while I only came home around nine in the majority of the time. It sucked having to live from weekend to weekend, but there was no better option.

I dozed off on the couch for a few minutes, only to be woken up by the cats jumping on me, asking for food and affection. I gave them both and decided it was about time to leave soon after, if I wanted to be sure to be on time. It was Sunday evening, but traffic around here was inpredictable to say the least. A lot of cursing, horn blowing and traffic jams later, I finally arrived at Liam's at 5.28. Right on time. He opened the door and kissed me softly seconds after I rang the doorbell, as if he had been waiting on the other side of the door.

"He's in the living room. Jude's in the kitchen, Kate upstairs, both studying." He sounded a bit nervous, so I squeezed his hand softly before he let go of it, opening the door to the living room.

"Hey Sam." I greeted him, looking at the tv to see what he was watching. Some cartoon I didn't really recognize.

"Hi Harry!" He smiled happily before turning his attention back to the show.

"Sam, Harry and I would like to talk to you for a minute, so would you turn off the tv, please?" Liam said, sitting down on the couch next to me, Sam on my other side. 

"Just a minute dad, it's almost finished." he answered, not taking his gaze away from the screen in front of him.

"Sam!" Liam warned, but sighed as the credits started. No need to start a row.

Sam pushed the red button on the remote control and turned to face us, his legs pulled up on the couch in front of him. His usual smile turned into a frown when he saw the look on Liam's face. I put my hand on his leg, trying to calm him down before he spoke up.

"Sam..."

"Did I do something wrong? Are you guys mad at me? I swear I didn't do it on purpose!" Sam was panicking at the thought of us being mad at him and started rambling.

I chuckled. "No Sam, you didn't do anything wrong and we are not mad at you, at all. Your dad and I just want to tell you that..." I trailed off, my eyes searching for Liam's, not sure if he was fine with me breaking the news.

"We're dating Sam." he added, an anxious look on his face.

Relief took over his soft childish face. "Oh. Is that all? Okay. So you're dad's boyfriend now Harry?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose I am."

"Cool. Do you want to play Fifa with me while dad starts dinner?"

I chuckled and squeezed Liam's leg. "Sure Sam, why don't you start it up already, I'll be right back, okay?" I took Liam's hand in mine and pulled him into the hallway with me. I pushed him against the staircase and kissed him sweetly. "See, told you it would be fine. No need to worry. Boyfriend."

Liam rolled his eyes before kissing me back, his hands resting on my hips as mine wrapped around his waist. "I'm going to start on dinner. Boyfriend. Go and beat my son at Fifa. I never succeed in beating him and he should learn to lose." He winked, as both of us knew very well Sam was everything but a sore loser, seeing as he sucked at football but still loved to play.

"What's for dinner?"

"Saucages, cabbage and mashed potatoes. And yes, I'll add apple to the cabbage. Now go play with my son and leave me alone." He winked before he pushed me off of him and pressed a small kiss on my lips as he turned to get to the kitchen.

Dinner was ready about half an hour later, so I ended the game of Fifa, Sam had beaten me with flying colours, and went to call Kate from the hallway. She rushed down as soon as I called her name, and the teasing had started, only for her to be joined by Jude as soon as we entered the kitchen.

"Hello dad's boyfriend."

"Hey Kate." I ruffled through her hair that she had fastened in a messy bun. 

"You do realize we'll have to interview you now, make sure you're a good candidate for our dad, right?" she winked while we walked into the kitchen.

"Oh yes, it's time for the Payne-sisters' big question hour. Are you ready for that?" Jude added as I pulled a chair to the table. 

I chuckled. "Sure, go ahead ladies."

They started off pretty basic, with things I was actually sure they already knew about me, like my job, my family, where I lived, if I had pets, nothing special. Liam almost choked on his food when they started the 'important questions' as Jude called it.

"How many boyfriends did you have before?"

"Jude! That's none of your business!" he interrupted when he finally stopped coughing. I smirked at his flushed face and assured him it was fine.

"I only had one, actually."

"Oh. How old were you?"

"16 when we got together, 22, almost 23 when we broke up." I noticed how Liam was shifting in his seat, pretty uncomfortable with the way things were going.

"And after that?" Kate wanted to know, enabling me to steer the conversation away from our first relationship.

"I had a girlfriend for about 10 years. And that's about it."

The questioning went on for a little while, until Liam told them it was enough. Sam went for his shower, while the girls decided they had studied enough for the day and went to watch some TV before they had to go to bed. Liam and I took care of the mess in the kitchen, talking softly while we were at it. 

I wiped the table while Liam put Sam to bed, he still insisted he didn't need a story anymore, so Liam was back downstairs in a couple of minutes only.

"I should get going Li." I said reluctantly.

"You don't have to. You can stay. I don't want you to go yet so I'll have to miss you until next weekend."

"I know Li, me neither, but you need sleep, and I'll stay for far too long if I don't go now. So I'll go."

"I guess you're right. As usual. I'll let you out." he sighed, looking disappointed and tormented at the thought of another week without each other coming up. My expression probably mirrored his, but I tried putting up a happy face when I went to say goodbye to the girls in the living room.

"Oh Harry, now that you're dad's boyfriend..." Kate started. I looked at her questioningly and kinda scared of what would come. "Would you like to come to my Christmas performance? It's normally parents and siblings only, but I suppose you kinda qualify as a parent now, my classmates have their parents' new partners there too." I glanced at Liam, who only shrugged and finally nodded, asking for the date so I could put it in my calendar. 

"Oh dad, can Harry come to our Christmas party too?" Jude asked Liam when she heard about me going to the Christmas performance.

"Jude... I'm sure Harry already made plans for Christmas eve and he shouldn't feel obliged to celebrate it with us."

"Oh. Okay."

I frowned, unsure if Liam didn't really want me there or if he was really trying to make sure I wouldn't feel obliged to come to their Christmas eve celebration. "Do you want me here on Christmas eve, Liam?" I decided to ask him straight away as we were standing in the hallway, leaning against the staircase as a few hours earlier.

"You really don't have to come Harry, I understand if you have plans and want to celebrate with Gemma or with your parents, or..."

"That wasn't my question Li, I was asking if you wanted me here."

"Uhm. Yeah. It would be nice to have you here for Christmas, I suppose."

"Okay. Then I'll be here. Party at my parents is on Christmas day anyway, so I didn't have any plans made for Christmas eve."

"Really?"

"Yeah, sure. I'd love to celebrate it with you guys. Just let me know what the kids would like as presents."

"You don't have to do that Haz!" he tried to protest.

"I know, but I want to. I'll hear you tomorrow?"

"Tonight?" he asked shyly, almost afraid I would think it was too soon to call when we had only just seen each other.

"Even better. Love you babe."

"Love you too Haz." we both leaned in and shared a chaste but sweet and lingering kiss before I walked back to my car, wondering how we got from not dating to celebrating Christmas together in only a few weeks time. Not that I was complaining though, I loved every second of it.


	30. Christmas

Jude and Kate were already at home when I arrived after picking Sam up from school. Their exams had finished yesterday, and they had spent their day off today with shopping and going to the movies with some friends, their usual post-examritual. Kate was upstairs, practising some more for her performance tonight, while Jude had started on dinner already.

I was grateful that the holidays were just around the corner. The past three weeks had been complete madness, both at work and at home. My boss wanted me to finish several cases before my two weeks off, and the two girls having exams were driving me mad in the evenings. Add Harry's full schedule that didn't allow us much time together, except for a couple of stolen hours on weekend nights, and even that didn't work out last week. It had been over a week since we'd seen each other, and I couldn't wait for tonight. He'd meet us at the art academy for Kate's performance and I was planning on asking him to come over afterwards, as I needed to put Sam to bed soon after, he still had school tomorrow and Friday. 

I told Sam to take a shower before dinner would be ready, and went up to check on Kate. I found her in her room, strumming on her guitar as she sang softly to it.

"Hey babe, are you okay?" I walked into her room, stroking her hair as I took a seat next to her. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Yeah, it's coming along quite well. Do you like my new dress?" I took her guitar of her lap and pulled her up so I could take a good look at her. She was wearing a red dress that complimented her figure, and made me realise all of a sudden that she was turning 14 in a few months, and she was everything but a little girl. Her subtle make up accentuated her bright blue eyes and her dark hair flowing down to her waist completed the picture. 

"You look stunning Kate. And so grown up, I can hardly believe it. David would've been so proud of you, you know that, right?"

She smiled and nodded as she twirled, making her dress flow nicely around her legs. "Sometimes I wish you guys would stay little kids forever, but I have to admit this is good too." I smiled as I pulled her into a small hug and warned her about dinner in a few minutes before I went to check on Sam. Him growing up became more and more obvious every day, he insisted on showering alone, even managing not to flood the bathroom, and he only wanted my help with rinsing his hair, no more bedtime stories, and just refusing to be babied more often. I walked into the bathroom, finding him in his space ship pyjamas. I chuckled.

"Sam, you do remember we're going to Kate's performance, right? I was thinking about some different dress choice than pyjamas, if you don't mind." He slapped his hand to his forehead and ran upstairs to find a pair of jeans and a red button down shirt, coming back downstairs together with Kate when Jude called them for dinner.

"Thanks Jude, that was delicious." I complimented her as I quickly put everything in the dishwasher before we had to leave. She smiled and pressed a quick kiss on my cheek before she rushed upstairs to get a fresh shirt, joining the rest of us in the car a few minutes later.

It appeared that wonders did exist, as traffic was exceptionally easy for this time of day. When we arrived at the art academy, Harry had once again broken his habit of being late as he stood waiting by the entrance, looking a little uncomfortable under the gazes of the other parents entering. A big smile crossed his face as he noticed us climbing out of the car. Kate grabbed her guitar from the trunk and ran inside, yelling a hello to Harry when she ran past him. He kissed Jude's cheek and ruffled Sam's hair before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a kiss. I couldn't keep myself from letting out a small moan when I felt his lips move against mine. "I missed you." was all I could mumble when he let go.

"Me too. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to next week. Finally a couple of days off, for the both of us." he said softly as he nuzzled our noses together.

I noticed Sam was looking at us with a mixture of confusion and disgust on his face, so I pulled out of the hug after another small peck on his lips and took Harry's hand in mine, Sam on his other hand to follow Jude who was already inside.

The performance lasted about an hour and a half, and by the end of it, I could easily tell that Sam was exhausted. A few of the mothers of Kate's class mates had obviously recognised Harry, as they kept turning their heads and whispered to their husbands and neighbours continuously once the lights had come back on. I could tell he was annoyed with it, so it served both of us that he proposed to take Sam home and to bed while I waited for Kate to finish whatever she was doing backstage, together with Jude who had found a friend from school to talk to. I handed him my housekeys and pressed a quick kiss on his lips before he took off with an already half asleep Sam on his hip. I smiled at the picture as he walked away, Sam's head resting on his shoulder. They looked good together, he looked good with a kid. I knew how much he had always wanted kids, and we had talked about how much he missed having them now. I could picture him with a baby easily, he had always had a way with kids, they loved him from the second he laid eyes on him.

"Hi, Liam, right? Kate's dad?" I looked up at the smiling lady in front of me, who I vaguely recognised as Kate's art teacher.

"Uh, yes, hi, Ellen?" She smiled and nodded as she extended her hand for me to shake.

"Kate told me about your new boyfriend who helped her with the guitar, she forgot to mention his name though." I smiled uncomfortably, knowing how much Harry hated to put his private life out there for everyone to see, but was saved by the bell when Kate came running towards us, and both her teacher and I congratulated her on her performance.

"You did brilliant Kate, maybe you should think about taking up music lessons, you'd be good at guitar, or any other instrument you've been playing in class over the last few years." Ellen said proudly.

"No, I'm going to stick with musical, maybe Harry can teach me some more guitar or something, but I like this too much to change classes. Where is Harry by the way, dad?" she asked, turning around to face me instead of her teacher.

"He went home with Sam, he really needed his bed, he was practically falling asleep on the spot." She nodded and grabbed my hand, pulling me along to find Jude so we could go home as well. I quickly said goodbye to Ellen but was actually glad we could leave. I hadn't thought about getting so much attention just because of who I was dating.

A movie with lots and lots of popcorn and two hours later, Harry and I were at our usual goodbye-spot at the staircase. One of my hands on his hip, the other entangled in his curls as we talked softly, trying to postpone the moment of him leaving. He pulled me closer, his arms around my waist, foreheads touching. With every moment spent together, I wanted to be with him more and more. My rational side knew very well this was far too early to even think about things like living together, but I dreaded the moment he had to leave every time again, it left me sad and lonely, be it only for a moment. I had started to notice myself how much I had changed over the last few months, ever since Harry and I were seeing each other regularly, and even more since we had started dating, 5 weeks ago now. I was happier, more careless, and I smiled a lot more. And if I hadn't noticed myself, there were always Jude and Kate to remind me of it. But even my heart knew there were steps to be taken before living together could even be considered. I still felt guilty sometimes, as if I was betraying David, cheating on him with Harry. And I knew that I couldn't postpone telling Kendra and his parents about my new relationship much longer. Even more now that we had been out in public. It was a small community around here, and with Kendra's kids going to the same school as the girls, it was only a matter of time before she would find out.

I shrugged off the thoughts swarming through my mind, wanting to focus on this moment, with my handsome boyfriend in my arms. I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, apparently interrupting a sentence I didn't catch, judging from the surprised look in his eyes. He smirked and kissed me back, whispering I shouldn't be thinking so much before he changed the pecks into lingering kisses, taking my bottom lip in between his, sucking on it softly. I pulled him closer, my nails softly scraping his skull, earning me a throaty moan as he deepened the kiss and digged his fingers into my back. I smiled smugly against his lips, glad I still knew his soft spot. Want to seduce Harry Styles? Try tugging his hair and scraping and massaging his skull. Never fails.

I wasn't planning on letting it go that far right now though, so after a few minutes of longing kisses, I pulled back, slightly out of breath. I smiled at the look in his eyes. Hunger, want, lust, love. It was all there. "You should go." It was enough for him to know what I meant. He should go before things got really out of hand, before we took it past the point of no return. He nodded and pressed a kiss on my forehead before he turned around, taking his coat from the hanger and pulling it on.

"I'll see you Sunday? 4pm, right?"

"Yep. I'll be looking forward to it."

"You're sure you don't need any help cooking or anything? I'm free on Saturdaynight and all day on Sunday."

"You've been busy enough yourself these last weeks. Have a nice and long beauty sleep on Sunday, but you can come earlier if you're awake and bored." I replied, kissing him again before I opened the door and turned him around, pushing him into the cold.

"Okay. Thanks. Love you."

"Love you too Haz. Get home safe."

 

 

I cursed myself for wanting to go shopping on Saturday morning, let alone the Saturday before Christmas. The supermarket was awfully crowded and my head was pounding from the crying babies, playing kids, yelling mothers, huffing fathers and stressed out employees by the time I reached the cash register. Good thing I had left Sam at home, because having him here too would've been even worse. The news came on the radio when I was driving back, and I could only be glad that I had done the gift shopping weeks ago, because one of the most important items was the huge crowd in the shopping streets. All that was left to do for me today was put the groceries away, bake the cake and take the kids out for roller skating disco and a movie tonight, a reward for their good results at school. And a quite selfish one, if I may say so, as the late night would guarantee me a quiet morning tomorrow. 

I drove home with three sleeping kids that night. The roller skating disco had been lots of fun, especially for Jude when Ethan happened to be there too, all coincidence, of course, and the new Disney had been great, as usual. I was sure all my muscles would be sore from skating, it had been ages since I'd last done it, but Kate and Sam had insisted on me joining them in the ring. They all woke up when I turned off the motor, and went to brush their teeth while I unloaded the dishwasher before we all headed upstairs to bed. I called Harry but must've fallen asleep halfway, because I woke up with the phone next to my ear the next morning, a goodnight and good morning text from him on my cellphone as soon as I turned it on. It was only ten, so I decided to take a long bath to wake me up before I went to slave on our Christmas dinner. We always had excessive amounts of food on Christmas eve, our Payne-party, as David used to call it. He had always been the one cooking all day, but I had taken over four years ago. He had been too sick from chemo that first year, and he was too weak to sit on a chair for the entire evening the second, let alone spend an entire day in the kitchen cooking. 

The roast was in the oven, the croquettes were made and ready to fry, vegetables cleaned and cut, soup ready on the stove, the only thing left to do was finish the appetizers, I was just finished with the tomato sauce for the mini-pizza's, and was about to get the pastry for the pigs in blankets when the doorbell sounded through the house. I took a quick look at the oven timer and saw it was only two in the afternoon, could that be Harry already?

I quickly washed my hands and was still drying them on my apron when I reached the door, pulling it open, curious to who would be on the other side.

"Oh hello Gordon Ramsey. I didn't realise I was interrupting something." Harry smirked at me, his shoulders pulled up high and half of his face hiding inside his large scarf. I was a whole lot colder than it had been the previous days, but the sun was out, creating the illusion of a nice winter day. I rolled my eyes at his silly comment and took his hand, covered in his usual fingerless black gloves to pull him inside before I kissed him hello properly. 

"You're bringing in the cold, come and warm up in the kitchen. You can help me with the appetizers."

"Oh really, even when you know my cooking skills have gone more than a little downhill since I hardly ever cook anymore?"

"It's like cycling, or roller skating, you never forget how to do it."

"Talking about roller skating, how are you feeling today?"

"The bath this morning helped. A bit. Now I only feel 45, and not 65 anymore. Two years to go and I'm at the right age again." I smiled as I handed him an apron when he walked into the kitchen, having taken off his coat, scarf and gloves. "Wash your hands and take the pizza-dough from the fridge. Think you can manage cutting rounds from it and putting the sauce on top?" He stuck out his tongue but did as I told him, joining me at the counter while I put the pigs in their blankets. He updated me on the things going on in his life as I did the same with mine. Sam and Kate walked in and out of the kitchen every now and then, stealing bits and bites from the trays with crisps and nuts, and Jude only came down at 3pm. I teased her about doing a winter's sleep before she went to take a shower, and smiled at the two sisters going upstairs to get dressed and do their make up together. The roast was resting on the counter, only needing a short warm up when we were ready to eat it and the appetizers were almost done when they came back downstairs. Jude was wearing a red flowy skirt with a black tight top, with long sleeves but it left her shoulders bare. Her make up was simple but complimented her big brown eyes perfectly. Kate wore the same red dress from earlier that week. My girls had obviously gone shopping last week. Even Sam had made the effort to dress all fancy, and wore a royal blue tie with his dark blue button down shirt and black jeans. It made the blue of his eyes stand out even more. They were an almost exact copy of David's, including the green and yellow specks in the deep blue, and this colour shirt made that even more clear. I suddenly felt a bit underdressed as I only noticed Harry's tie and fancy shirt now, so I quickly went up to my bedroom to change shirts and put on a tie myself while they already started eating. A game of monopoly was being set up whenI came back into the living room, so we started it before dinner, and continued when we were all completely stuffed after the main course. It was a tie between Kate and Sam in the end, but Jude comforted us, and mostly herself, by saying at least we were lucky in love instead of lucky in games. It earned her a slap and a mean glare from Kate. I had caught something about her having a crush on a girl in her class earlier, but she would come and tell me about it when she thought it was the right time, so I just told them to keep the peace for tonight. Jude put the box back in the cupboard and we exchanged the first batch of gifts before dessert. Sam was pretty pleased with the new fifa-game I got him, as well as with Jude's football shirt and Kate's poster, but nothing could top Harry's gift: three tickets to a ManU-game in spring.

It was the same thing with the girls: they were happy with their gifts, but Harry beat us all to it with concert tickets. I made a mental note to tell him off on spending so much money on Christmas gifts, but I knew he only did it to make them happy, it had nothing to do with impressing them or showing off. After dessert it was his turn to open his gift.

"It's from all of us, as well as from my dad and Gemma, Glen and the kids. They were kind enough to let you open it here." I said as I handed him the large package. He looked at me confused but started unwrapping the bright red gift wrapping. I felt a bit anxious, sure, we had asked advice from anyone we knew that knew something about it, but still, it would be horrible if we got this wrong.

His eyes lit up when his eyes found the black leather of the case. "Wow, it's beautiful." I chuckled, and told him to open it up, as his real gift was actually inside. He removed the last bits of paper and undid the silver locks at the front, having put the box on the floor. His eyes grew wide when he saw what was inside. 

"Are you kidding me Liam? This must've cost a fortune!" he looked up at me, his eyes still the size of saucers.

"Which is why we all bought it together. I hope it's a good one, Mike from the studio told me which store to go to, and the guy there advised me to buy this one, but we could go back and try to trade it if you don't like it."

"Don't like it? How can I not like a guitar like this? Liam, it's perfect, you really shouldn't have."

"It's not that big of a deal Haz. Your other one is completely worn out, so you needed a new one, might as well buy you one for Christmas. It was the easiest option, do you have any idea how hard it is to think of a present for you?" He chuckled and took the deep blue guitar out of the case, adjusting the pegheads while he started strumming the strings. 

"It's absolutely perfect. Thanks so much guys. I'll love playing on it on tour in the next months." He played a few song we all sang along too, and put it back in the case cautiously before Sam ran to the Christmas tree to get me their present. 

"You're not the only one who teamed up for a present Li. This is from the four of us. I hope you'll enjoy it." Harry spoke, smiling. Sam was practically glowing when he handed the envelope to me. I looked at all of them, trying to get a clue what was in it from their faces. Harry just smirked and shrugged, signalling me I'd have to open it to find out. 

"Oh my god, guys, I can't believe it! This is marvellous!" Inside was a gift card for an extended photoshoot, from one of my favourite photographers around town. I had always wanted to have  one done of all our family, but we just never got around to doing it. I hugged them all tightly, kissing Harry softly while I was at it. After that, we all talked a bit more before Sam couldn't stop his yawning. I went up to put him to bed, finding the girls and Harry cleaning up in the living room and the kitchen when I got back downstairs. We watched the last part of a corny Chrismas movie we had all seen a million times before and enjoyed ourselves behaving like idiots. Jude and Kate both went to sleep when the movie ended, it was almost midnight by then.

I snuggled into Harry's chest on the couch, still enjoying the pleasant atmosphere that I had experienced all night. He put his arm around me and rested his head on top of mine, his hand playing with my hair as we sat there in silence. 

"I should get going Li." he didn't sound very convinced of it himself, so I gathered all my courage before I sat up and looked him in the eyes and swallowed my nerves.

"Don't go Haz. I've got you another present." It was cheeky and corny and what not, but it was the only way I could think of. He raised an eyebrow, a questioning look on his face.

"And what may that be?" he finally asked when he noticed I wouldn't continue.

"Me." I kept my eyes trained on his face, trying to read his expression when I said it. Confusion. Realisation. Surprise. Disbelief. Confusion again. I got up and pulled him up with me, wrapping one arm around his waist, the other around his shoulder, my hand playing with the curls in the nape of his neck. I looked him in the eyes before I closed the distance between our lips and started a kiss. Butterflies started their frenzy in my stomach as they did every time we kissed, and the fact that I was about to take him upstairs to my room didn't make it any better. I sucked gently on his bottom lip, tugging on it with my teeth. He moaned softly from the back of his throat, making me smile against his lips. I let my tongue slip against his lips and he gladly granted me access to his mouth. I devoured his taste and eagerly explored his mouth while our tongues played together, rubbing against each other, dancing together. My hand slid from his hair to his tie, loosening it while I started walking to the door, opening it blindly so we could step into the hallway without having to break the kiss. I pushed him softly to the stairs, but he stopped and pulled away when we reached the bottom step. He didn't say anything, but I could see the concern in his eyes, and I nodded in answer to the question he didn't voice.

Yes, I was sure. I really wanted to do this. I needed to push myself to move on. I loved Harry, and I wanted to show him. Show myself as well.

We kept on kissing all the way up the stairs and I pushed him against the wall next to my bedroom door, kissing him deeply, sensually and yet sweetly as I pressed my body against his. We both pulled away, panting hard. This was getting pretty close to the point of no return. I could see it in his eyes. There was still love shining in them, but lust was gaining territory quickly. Suddenly I remembered how we used to be, all those years ago, making love, and I bit my lip in anticipation of what would come. I turned around, my back to the door as I reached behind my back to push the door handle down and pulled him inside, resuming the kissing as we stumbled inside, moving towards the bed. I pulled him down with me, enjoying the pleasant feeling of his weight on top of me while we continued our lip lock. He sat up a bit and attacked my neck, causing me to throw my head back so he had better access...

 

 


	31. The longest night

I somehow managed to keep my guard up, even though he had nodded very convincingly when I questioned wordlessly if he was sure earlier, and the way he was kissing me here, pressed against the wall in the hallway didn't leave much doubt about his intentions. The look in his eyes... fucking hell, he was hot and planning to show me just how hot. The way he bit his lip almost drove me crazy, so I willingly followed him inside the bedroom, quickly pulling off his tie and starting to pull his shirt out of his pants as we stumbled into his room. I only let go of his lips when he was on the bed, my body resting upon his, but only to move on to his neck to suck on the soft and vulnerable skin. My hands fumbled with the small buttons of his shirt, and I cursed silently for them being so hard to undo. A few seconds later I had finally managed to expose his shoulders and collarbones. I took a moment to take in the beauty of him laying below me, I only noticed now how much I had been missing it, seeing him like this. I had been dreaming about this moment, and now, it was finally there. I willed myself to remain alert and not drown in the passion and lust that was coursing through my veins. I kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, cheeks and finally his lips. His face was completely relaxed, his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted as his breathing was a little fast and hitched, it was barely noticeable. My tongue trailed back to his neck, taking a detour to nibble on his earlobe, causing him to moan softly and bite his bottom lip, his teeth leaving a mark on the chapped skin. I smiled against his neck as I pressed open mouthed kisses on the sensitive skin, following his collarbone to his shoulder, little licks in between the kisses. I could tell his arousal was rising, his heels digging into the mattress as I reached his shoulder. I let my teeth scrape his pale skin, the tan from the summer having completely disappeared. He shivered slightly, like he had always done when I did that, some things never changed, I supposed. I followed his collarbone back, biting, kissing and licking until I reached the crook of his neck, I bit down forcefully, knowing this would drive him crazy. I smirked as I felt his hips push against mine and I saw how his eyes shot open when he threw his head back on his neck. 

I wanted to continue my teasing but I suddenly noticed how his body felt limp beneath mine. I sat up on my knees and searched for his eyes. They were closed, but I could tell he was crying, his eyelashes humid and tears reflecting the light when they escaped from his eyes. I quickly got off of him, allowing him to get up and sit on the other end of the bed. I didn't know what to say, so I just sat on my side, waiting for him to say something, the silent sobs escaping his mouth felt like a knife being turned around in my chest every time I heard them. I don't know how long it took for him to finally say something, but it broke my heart to hear his cracking voice.

"I'm sorry Harry, I'm so sorry. I really wanted to, but then I saw the... the picture and I just couldn't."

I turned around and understood what he was talking about. On the nightstand was a wedding picture of him and David. The two of them grinning happily at the camera, looking handsome and like nothing in the world could ever harm them. I understood how he had seen the picture when he had opened his eyes with his head thrown back. 

"It's okay Li." I said as I hesitantly reached out for him, standing up and walking halfway around the bed, sitting down at the foot end. I was just able to put my hand on his shoulder, so I did, trying to comfort him without being too invasive. 

"Just go Harry. I understand that you want to. I don't want to hold you back. Find someone with less of a history. Who can give you what you want and need."

"Liam... please don't do this. Please."

"Do what? I love you Harry, I really do, but it's not fair to expect you to wait around until I'm done with dealing with all of this... all of this fucking past that's keeping me from moving on."

"I don't care if it's fair or not Liam." I felt my temper rising and it took all my strength to speak calmly and not shake his shoulders to try and get some sense into the man. "Don't tell me to walk away, don't force me to choose the option I don't want to take. I don't care if it takes you twenty more years. I'm not going anywhere."

"Haz... come on. You shouldn't waste your time on me. You could be out there having fun and having anyone you want."

"Liam stop, please, you're driving me mad with this. I don't want anyone else. I'm doing anything but wasting my time with you. I love every minute with you, with your family. Take the rest of our lives to get ready to take our relationship to the next level, the physical level, if you want to, but don't tell me to go, because I won't."

I got up and pulled my undone tie off from under my collar. "I'll give you your space now, but come and find me on the couch when you're ready to talk about this properly. And by that I mean when you'll stop telling me to walk away." I pressed a soft kiss on his head before I turned around and walked out the door, closing it behind me before I rested against it. I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs, preparing myself for a long and restless night on the couch. I could only hope he would come downstairs to talk before his kids were up, I wasn't really looking forward to having to explain why on earth I had spent the night on their couch whileI wasn't drunk, at all, and my house was only twenty minutes away. But I didn't want history to repeat itself, I wasn't going to settle for Liam shutting me out again. We had already wasted enough time without each other. And I meant it, I really did. I'd rather have Liam around and no more sex for the rest of my life than a life without him and screwing around whenever and whoever I wanted. I loved him more than anything and I wouldn't give up.

I tossed and turned, feeling uncomfortable in my clothes but I didn't dare taking them off in case I would fall asleep. I was cold so I took a blanket from the basket underneath the TV, but then I was warm so I threw it off. I sighed and gave up on sleeping when the clock on the game console read 3.58am. I got up and walked to the guitar case that was still on the floor where I had left it after opening it. I unlocked the silver latches and took the brand new guitar out, my fingers running along the snares and frets without thinking. I didn't know why I started playing that particular song, it was old, but I guess it was perfect for the situation, so I started singing as I sat on one of the arm chairs facing the Christmas tree, my back to the living room door. My voice was hoarse, but I didn't care. It wasn't as if anyone would hear me now. 

_When I look into your eyes_   
_It's like watching the night sky_   
_Or a beautiful sunrise_   
_There's so much they hold_   
_And just like them old stars_   
_I see that you've come so far_   
_To be right where you are_   
_How old is your soul?_   
  
_Well I won't give up on us_   
_Even if the skies get rough_   
_I'm giving you all my love_   
_I'm still looking up_   
  
_And when you're needing your space_   
_To do some navigating_   
_I'll be here patiently waiting_   
_To see what you find_   
  
_'Cause even the stars they burn_   
_Some even fall to the earth_   
_We've got a lot to learn_   
_God knows we're worth it_   
_No, I won't give up_   
  
_I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily_   
_I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make_   
_Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use_   
_The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake_   
_And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend_   
_For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn_   
_We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in_   
_I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not_   
_And who I am_   
  
_I won't give up on us_   
_Even if the skies get rough_   
_I'm giving you all my love_   
_I'm still looking up_   
_Still looking up._   
  
_Well I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)_   
_God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)_   
_We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)_   
_God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)_   
  
_I won't give up on us_   
_Even if the skies get rough_   
_I'm giving you all my love_   
_I'm still looking up_

I sighed and got up to put the guitar back in its case but froze as soon as I turned around.

"I couldn't sleep." He said as he stood in the middle of the living room. I hadn't heard him coming in, somewhere throughout the song.

"Me neither."

"I... I heard the song Harry. Do you mean it?"

"I told you already Liam. I'm not going anywhere. I know you've been through a lot and I'm not here to make you forget about David or even replace him, but I'm here to stay."

He sighed and walked up to me, taking my hand as he pulled me to the couch with him. "Harry... Are you really sure? Are you really sure you want to wait for I don't know how long? I'm not that special, I'm sure you have way better options than me." He was playing with my fingers as he spoke, his eyes trained on our hands.

"I don't care about other options Liam, I care about you, about these kids. I'm not walking away. Not now, not ever. Not again."

"It's just... I'm getting really used to having you around, and I won't be able to offer you another way out when we continue this, so this is your chance Haz. If you want out, I want you to go now, before you become an even bigger and more important part of my- of our lives." he looked me in the eyes  briefly when he spoke the last words and then gazed back down to our hands. 

"I don't want out, Li. I promise. I'm not gonna lose you twice, remember?"

He smiled a little as he looked up, his brown eyes filled with sadness and disbelief, anxiety but also a little spark of hope.

"Liam, I love you. I can't stop that in a snap of my finger. I'm staying. I promise." I put my hand on his cheek, his stubble scraping the skin of my thumb as I ran it along his cheek. He leaned into my touch, showing me his defences were crumbling. I ran my other hand through my hair and squeezed my tired eyes shut for a second before I looked him in the eyes intently, hoping mine spoke of how much I cared about him. I smiled a little as I noticed him leaning in and closed my eyes again, savouring the touch of his chapped and dry lips against mine. It was a soft and slow kiss, that didn't last very long, but he smiled when he sat back up and that caused the butterflies in my stomach to wake up from their slumber. 

"Would you... would you come upstairs and just... keep me company? We both need some sleep, and I know I won't get any when you're down here, or gone."

I smiled at him and nodded, standing up with him to walk upstairs again, both of us feeling calmer, and glad the tension was as good as gone. He threw me a pair of pyjamas, and was already under the covers when I had pulled the pants on. Harry no likey shirts in bed. I got in on the other side and laid on my back, staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come. I noticed he turned around and felt how he laid his arm on my stomach, his head resting on my shoulder. I smiled, but had no other choice than to turn around when he tugged my arm, suggesting I should wrap it around him. I chuckled and turned to my side, holding him as we both finally drifted off to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should listen to this song, it's so fitting for this chapter, and the lyrics seem written for the story.  
> http://youtu.be/TdN5GyTl8K0


	32. One way motorway

I leaned on my elbow, looking at him sleeping next to me. I tried really hard to keep my hands to myself, not wanting to wake him, but my fingers itched to touch his soft skin, play with the soft curly hairs on his lower abdomen, trailing down into his sweat pants. Or my sweat pants, technically.

He groaned. "Liammmmm. Stop staring. You know I hate that. What time is it anyway, it feels like it's way too early for me to wake up." 

"I'll stop staring if you stop looking good. And really Haz, I bet everything before noon feels too early to wake up for you. It's almost nine, by the way."

"Like I said, too early." he mumbled but opened his eyes anyway and he tried really hard to keep up his grumpy face but as soon as he saw my smile, he couldn't help but smile back. "But goodmorning. You okay?"

I nodded and pecked his lips. "Still not a fan of shirts when you sleep, I see?"

He smirked. "Nope, and no matter how good you look in that shirt, I'm not a fan of shirts when you sleep either."

I rolled my eyes at him and pushed him on his back so I could put my head on his chest, finally able to give in to the urge to trail my fingers over his stomach, his abs shivering slightly under my touch.

"Liiiiii." he groaned. "That. Tickles. Stop it." I chuckled and decided to take his protests as an encouragement instead. I teased him even more by stroking him so softly that my fingertips were hardly touching his skin, making him grab my wrist a minute later. "I told you to stop."

"But I like tickling you." I replied smugly as I went to sit up and looked at him. He shot me a glare and took me by surprise as he rolled me on my back and pulled my shirt up to attack my stomach with his feathery touches. I rolled back and forth on the bed, giggling like a school girl while I tried to get him to stop, or even better, turn us around so I could get back to tickling him. He didn't give me a chance though, not stopping until I was completely out of breath and I was panting and laughing at the same time. I turned my head to the side, watching him laying beside me, a big smile on his face and his green eyes twinkling as he tried to catch his breath. 

"Take a shower while I go downstairs and make us some coffee before you go." He nodded and pressed a kiss on my lips before he rolled over and jumped out of bed, walking into my bathroom. My eyes were glued to his bum until he shut the door behind him, after which I headed to the kitchen to make coffee like I promised. I leaned against the counter, sipping my cup as he walked in 15 minutes later, his hair still damp from the shower. He poured himself a cup and smiled at me.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love the sight of you leaning against the counter with your coffee in the morning?" he mumbled against my lips before he kissed them. I smiled, trying to cover up for the blush rising on my cheek. "You're cute when you blush," he winked before he took a sip of his coffee. We talked a bit about our plans for the next two days, Harry had the Christmas party at his parents' house this afternoon, while I had the party with David's family today and at my dad's house tomorrow. I'd had enough coffee to get me through the first part of the day half an hour later, and Harry had gone from coffee to milk after his second cup. He finished his cup and put it in the sink before he walked up to me, his body leaning against mine as his hands rested on the counter next to me. "I better go, before the kids wake up and start asking annoying questions about me spending the night."

I looked up at him and bit my lip. "I don't mind if they know you stayed over last night, and yes, I know Jude and Kate will think things happened while they didn't, but that's none of their business. And I was kind of hoping you would want to stay over more often. Especially since I'm planning on telling David's family and my father about us."

His eyes grew wide. "Are you sure? Those are big steps to take Li."

"Oh I know, believe me, I know very well. But if I ever want to move on, I should tell them. They have a right to know." I replied, smiling weakly as I tried not to think about how they would react if I told them this afternoon. Kendra would probably be fine with it, she had told me last year that she didn't expect me to stay on my own for the rest of my life, but I wasn't sure how David's parents would react. I just had to make sure they knew that this would in no way mean they would become less important to any of us. They would forever be my in laws and the kids' grandparents, no matter how many relationships I'd have. 

I took a quick shower upstairs, while Harry cooked us breakfast, and ran into Sam on my way downstairs. I explained him quickly that Harry had stayed over, but he didn't give much thought to it, he just demanded some bacon and eggs for himself when he walked into the kitchen. Harry stayed as long as he possibly could, but when the girls still hadn't showed downstairs at eleven, he really had to leave. I'd have to tell them myself, and conquer their teasing all alone. I showed him out and kissed him one last time before he got into his car, already missing him before he even left.

"Text me when you're heading home tonight? Maybe you can come over to make up for the Christmas boredom." I winked before he walked out. He sniggered and shook his head at me before assuring me he would do as I asked.

I went upstairs to get my lazy daughters out of bed, and told them to hurry up and get ready for the party, as we were expected at Kendra's at 1pm for lunch. Sam was trying out his new fifa-game, so there was nothing left for me to do once the dishwasher was emptied and dirty dishes from breakfast were inside again. I decided to get the first announcement out of the way and sat down at the kitchen table to call my dad. I wished him merry Christmas, and we talked for a bit until I broke the news. He wasn't even surprised.when I told him about Harry and me, he just congratulated me and told me Harry could come tomorrow if he wanted, there would be enough food anyway. I said I'd ask him and hung up when Kate and Jude walked into the kitchen, both dressed the same as yesterday evening. I quickly updated them on Harry staying the night and didn't give them time to question it as I ushered them all to the car.

 

Lunch was finished, and Kendra, her husband Kenneth, David's parents, Helen and Rick, and I were left at the table while the kids were gathered around the TV, watching a broadcast from a concert. 

"I uhm, I want to tell you guys something. Just because I feel like you have a right to know. I uhm... I have a new boyfriend. Since a few weeks, but we're becoming quite serious, so I wanted to tell you guys. I want you to know this won't change anything between us though, you're still family, to me and the kids." I started rambling, I always did when I was nervous, not giving them a chance to react to my announcement until Kendra grabbed my hand to get my attention.

"Liam. It's fine. We're happy for you." I looked from her to Kenneth, and then, dreadfully to Helen and Rick. They were all smiling at me, and they assured me soon enough that they were really fine with me dating again. Helen and Kendra even started to ask me about details on Harry while we had tea and cake. 

Helen hugged me tight when we left a couple of hours later. "I'm really happy for you Liam, David would've wanted you to find happiness again." I just nodded and kissed her cheek, knowing that she was right. He had even told me repeatedly in those last couple of days, that he wanted me to move on, be happy with someone else. And these last few weeks had been the first time in almost three years that it seemed like a possibility for something like that to ever happen. If anyone could make me happy again, it would be Harry. Hell, he was already doing it now.

 

We were all hanging in front of a stupid cheesy movie when my phone rang.

"Hey babe. Survived the Christmas madness?" I greeted him as I walked into the kitchen where we could talk more freely.

"Yeah, kind of. How was yours?"

"I survived. And they were all really supportive of us. I'm glad I got it out, actually."

"Good. I'm happy if you are. Did Kate and Jude leave you alone about me spending the night?"

"They didn't even question it. I'm expecting more banter over the next few days though."

"Probably. How do you think your dad will react tomorrow?"

"I actually called him today, and he wasn't even surprised, he wanted me to tell you congratulations though. And you're invited for tomorrow, but really, you don't have to come Haz."

"I might as well come when I'm already at yours in the morning..." he trailed off.

"You're coming over?" I almost squealed into the phone, not even caring how eager I sounded and how this was kind of embarrassing if I thought about it properly. He chuckled at the other end.

"In fact, you might want to open your front door right about now if you don't want me to freeze on your doorstep."

I cracked a big smile and ran up to the door, grinning like a mad man when I found him there. It could have been a scene from a bad movie, how I jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist so he almost tumbled over. He just chuckled and kissed me before he put me down again. 

"You're crazy Liam."

"I know!" was my very witty reply as we walked into the living room together, joining the kids to watch some more corny Chrismassy TV. It was a house rule there weren't any bedtimes on Christmas day, so it ended up with Sam falling asleep on the floor in front of the couch, where had had been laying down, leaning on his elbows as he convinced us he could stay awake for so much longer. Jude and Kate were slipping into oblivion too, so I switched off the TV and told the girls to go upstairs as I picked Sam up to get him to bed. Harry stayed on the couch, fumbling with his fingers after he had said goodnight to Jude and Kate. I quirked my eyebrow at him and spoke up when his face stayed blank.

"Are you coming, mister Styles?"

"If you're still sure you want me to stay?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yes, I want you to stay, come on, get to the bedroom, I'll be in there as soon as I get Sam into bed."

He was laying underneath the covers when I walked into the room, his back to the door as he rested on one elbow, probably doing something on his phone. He turned his head as he heard the door close and I saw his eyes light up. I felt myself go bright red as he kept his eyes trained on me while I changed the entire time.

"You're cu.."

"Cute when I blush. Yeah, so you said this morning." I cut him off when I slipped underneath the covers next to him, cuddling close to his chest as I took his phone out of his hands and put the light out. "Night Haz."

"Night Li. Love you."

"Me too." I mumbled as I already felt sleep taking over.

 


	33. Back in the past

I smiled at the note that Liam had left on his pillow for me when I woke up.

_Hey Haz. I've taken Sam out for the afternoon (sleepy head!) and Jude's off to Gemma's New Years-family lunch. She was a nervous wreck, by the way, though it wasn't exactly the first time she's going there. Kate's at home but she'll be mostly practising guitar, or that's what she told me before I left. Not sure when I'll be home, but I left you mac &cheese in the fridge. Your favourite comfort food, right? Hope the hangover isn't too bitchy and you had great fun last night. Love you Hazzzzz. Love, Li._

He was right, mac and cheese was my favourite type of comfort food, and it happened to be a perfect remedy for the nasty headache that was annoying the hell out of me. I got out of bed, slowly not to evoke any nausea or more pounding in my skull and into the shower before I trudged downstairs into the kitchen to find the yumminess that Liam had left me. Yesterday was New Years eve, and I'd been out celebrating with some of my stage and studio crew, it had kind of become a tradition and I didn't want to ditch them. So after I'd watched the fireworks with Liam and the kids, I'd gone out into town to celebrate, and drink an awful lot of beers and god knows what else. As long as it was alcoholic, it had been fine.

I'd been spending most of last week at Liam's, mostly only going home to get fresh clothes and feed the cats, and he had given me the key to his house for last night so I could come back and sleep here when I was done partying. Which was around 5am. I kind of regretted it now though, feeling shitty as I did, but it had been a good time, and I was glad Liam had given me the time and space to wake up slowly and get the hangover out the door before I had to deal with any loudness.

I was curled up on the couch, watching I don't even know what TV show with my microwaved mac and cheese, the headache finally dying down after the painkiller-cocktail I had taken half an hour before. The food was delicious, and it was just everything I needed to feel better, and very much alive again. My mood was improving drastically, and I felt actually quite cheery by the time my plate was empty. Although I could've eaten more, as usual when I had mac and cheese.

"Harry?"

I looked up to see Kate leaning against the doorframe. She had a serious expression on her face, not that strange for her, although I'd found her happier and more carefree lately.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, do you need help with your guitar playing?" I had given her my old guitar a few days ago, since I had a new one now anyway, and she had been playing it incessantly ever since.

"No, I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh. Okay. Have a seat."

I watched her as she sat down on the other end of the sofa, leaning against the armrest and crossing her legs in front of her as she leant her elbows on her knees, her chin resting in her palms. She resembled Liam so much when she sat like that, even though she was physically the spitting image of David.

"I... How... When... How did you know you liked boys as well?"

I was taken aback by her question. It was not that I didn't want to answer it, but to be honest, I needed to think about it myself, and I hadn't been expecting this kind of question.

"I...I'm actually not sure. Why are you asking?"

She let out a sigh and rubbed her face before she looked at me again. "I'm confused Harry. I'm just so confused. And I had hoped you'd be able to help out, since you like both girls and boys..."

A small smile crossed my lips as I thought about it. "I just knew, I suppose. It just happened actually. I never gave much thought to it, but I just knew with my first boyfriend."

"How old were you back then?"

"Sixteen. He was my first lover. I'd had a couple of rough years before I met him, and I just was kind of late with relationship kind of things, I suppose."

"Oh. How did you know he liked boys too?"

I chuckled at the memory of Liam telling the entire lunch room that I was his boyfriend. "I didn't even know it properly for the first week or so. He kissed me, and then I kissed him and then somehow it all clicked and I realised I loved him."

"That sounds really romantic." Kate sighed as she looked at me with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"It was mostly really scary though. I couldn't believe he wouldn't hurt me like everyone else did."

"Why did everyone hurt you?" 

I sighed, I wasn't very fond of reminiscing this part of my youth. The part between going to high school with my best friend having left and meeting Liam wasn't really worth remembering. But she seemed really interested and keen to know, and I could tell she was going somewhere with her questions, so I decided to tell her the story anyway. I took her to the kitchen to make us some tea before we sat back down on the couch. I told her about the bullying, the beating, leaving the worst parts out though, how my future boyfriend had stood up for me that day, how he had taken care of me, even though it had been extremely hard for me to trust him.

"We always used to stay in his room, watching DVD's, but that day, he took me to the most beautifrul place I'd ever been, and I didn't know where he was taking me until we got there. It was his mothers grave. And he cried, and he let me comfort him for the first time. That was when I realised I  _really_ liked him, especially when he told me that his little show at the school had been his coming out."

Kate was smiling at me as I told her the story. "Did you kiss then?"

"Uh, yeah. I remember me asking him how he'd known he was gay, and the more he told me about how he felt about the first boy he'd been in love with, the more I somehow knew that I felt the same about him. And then he kissed me. God I was scared then. It was my first kiss and I was so very scared of doing something wrong. But then he kissed me again, and again, and somehow I even gained the confidence of starting a kiss myself."

"Oh, that's so romantic Harry!" she exclaimed, her seriousness having completely disappeared to make room for genuine interest and just sparkles of happiness in her eyes. "So then you knew you liked boys as well?"

"Well, I knew I liked Liam, the realisation it wasn't only him came only later."

"Liam? There was another Liam at your school?"

Shit. It suddenly hit me that I had mentioned his name, although I had been so careful not to do so all through the story, it had slipped at her final question. "Uh. Did I say Liam? I meant uh..."

"Wait. Were you talking about dad? I mean, his mum died when he was in high school, didn't she? Oh my god, Harry, were you and dad together when you were in high school?" she exclaimed, eyes wide as she looked at me.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands, knowing I had screwed up beyond repair now. "Fuck Kate. Oh shit, I probably shouldn't swear in front of you. Liam would kill me if he heard."

She giggled but nudged my arm to answer her, eager to find out if she had been right. "I know what fuck and shit means Harry, just tell me!"

I groaned. "Kate, I don't think your dad would want you to know, actually, we haven't discussed all this."

"Discussed what?" a familiar voice asked from the doorway to the hallway. Oh shit, how was I going to get out of this. I felt my face heat up and I was probably red as a tomato.

"I'm sorry Liam, I really didn't mean to tell her, but we were just talking and somehow it slipped."

He looked at me confused. "What did you tell Kate?"

I sighed, checking if Sam was somewhere around, which wasn't the case, luckily, he had probably already gone upstairs. "That we were together in high school."

"Oh." 

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Well, I suppose it's not really a secret Haz. Not anymore, at least." he smiled lightly.

Kate was practically jumping up and down as Liam sat down in between us. "Oh, this is so romantic. You were high school lovers and you found each other back after all those years!" she gushed. "How long were you guys together?"

I saw him hesitating and glancing over at me. I shrugged, letting him know that this was entirely his call.I had told the kids I'd been together with my first boyfriend for almost seven years, but maybe she wouldn't remember. 

"Quite a long time actually." he sighed. "Listen Kate, maybe we should do this when Jude is home as well, so we don't have to tell this twice. And when Sam is down here too. If we tell one, we should tell all three of you. Can we do this over dinner? Jude will be home then."

She nodded but I could tell she was really eager to find out all about it now. She announced she'd be going back upstairs, and I made a mental note to ask her why she had been asking those questions to start with while I followed Liam into the kitchen where he was going to start on dinner.

"Hey babe." he smiled as I kissed him. "Had a good time last night?"

"Yes. Thanks. I was pretty wasted though."

"I know, you weren't exactly silent when you came to bed." he grinned before he pushed me towards the counter, leaning in for another kiss as he wrapped his arms around my neck.

"Oops. Sorry." I winced a bit at the idea of waking him up.

"It's fine. You're pretty cute when you're drunk." he smiled.

"No I'm not." I sighed, pulling him closer to me with my arms around his waist. "Look, I'm really sorry Liam, I didn't mean to tell her."

"I know Haz, it's fine. They probably would've found out sometime in the future, we might as well tell them now." he said softly in between kisses. 

"How much are you going to tell them?"

He smirked at me. "Not the part where we first slept together, obviously. And not the second time either. And well, none of the sexy time."

I rolled my eyes at him and slapped him lightly on his back. "You know what I mean Li."

His expression turned serious again. "I don't know Haz. I suppose we could tell them about the engagement. But they have no business with the reason why we broke up. We could just say that it didn't work out anymore. It's not even lying, right?"

"I guess." I nodded as I kissed him again. "Do you need help with the cooking?"

The next hour was spent working next to each other, preparing food for the five of us, mostly singing along to the soft tunes from the radio. Jude had come in a few minutes before we were ready to serve dinner, falling down on her chair as she radiated happiness. "Gemma said hi, Harry."

"Oh, say hi back if you see her first. I take it you had a good time?"

"It was lovely. Ethan is so sweet, really. He got me the DVD from the movie we saw on our first date."

"Hmmm." I smiled, pleased that he had listened to my advice on his Christmas present for Jude. 

"Jude, will you go and call Sam and Kate for me please? Dinner is ready."

They came waltzing back into the kitchen a few minutes later, Sam still blushing heavily from the cold wind blowing into his face when they had gone ice skating on the Christmas fair, Kate jumping up and down in anticipation, and Jude still blind to her surroundings by the love she felt for my nephew.

"Come on, tell us already!" Kate exclaimed when Liam sat back down after serving everyone's dinner. 

Jude seemed to wake up from a slumber as she eyed us all warily. "Tell us what?"

"The story of how they were together in high school. Dad was actually Harry's first boyfriend!" She could hardly contain her excitement as she filled her sister in.

I smiled softly and gestured to Liam he could start the story, it was quite nice really, to hear the story from his side. I smiled as he got a bit shy when he got to our first kiss, the day we had gone to see his mum at the graveyard, and blushed when he told them how he had realised he was falling hard. I had never heard him tell our story before, I loved hearing it. He went on until the day we graduated, and I took it from there, told them how we survived Uni and living together. We took turns telling the next part, another graduation, the engagement and finally the break up. By the time we had finished it, staying a bit vague about how we had broken up, both Jude and Kate were looking at us with their eyes wide open, Sam sat next to me, looking rather unfazed by all the information he had just gotten. 

"I honestly thought these kind of things only happened in the movies. You know, lost lovers who reunite after years of being apart." Jude managed to say after a few seconds.

"Me too, to be honest." I admitted, chuckling as I took another spoonful of mashed potatoes. Liam's mash was so good it should have been a crime. 

"Can I finally tell you about the ice skating now?" Sam asked me, rolling his eyes at his love-obsessed sisters. 

Liam chuckled and shook his head. The boy was really incredible, he couldn't care less about things like this, he would always just take things the way they came and not question them, at all. 

 

 

"Kate?" I asked as I leant against her doorframe, watching her strum the guitar strings aimlessly. "Can I come in?"

She sighed and nodded, putting the guitar away as she went to lie down on the bed.

"Do you want to tell me why you started asking those questions earlier?"

"Not really. But I guess I should, or I'll never find the answers I'm looking for."

"What's wrong Kate? You look troubled."

"That's because I am. It's just... all so confusing Harry. And I thought liking boys was difficult."

"Liking anyone is difficult and confusing Kate. Go on, I'm here to listen."

She sighed again before she started her story about a girl from her class she thought she had a crush on, and they had flirted a bit in school before the holidays, and continued through email and texts.

"So I told her yesterday that she makes me feel a little giddy, that she confuses me, that it confuses me when she smiles at me, when she winks at me, how I completely forget the right answer when she's looking at me in class. And now she won't answer me. Which is not like her, she usually mails or texts me back within the next five minutes. I've ruined it. While I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. Is this a crush Harry? Do I like girls too? I'm pretty sure I like boys, I mean, I loved it when Elliot from my art academy kissed me behind the scenes on our summer performance last year, oh, don't tell dad about that, he'll flip, but I'm not sure how I feel about Sarah now." She rambled on, hardly giving me time to take in all the information before she fell back down onto the mattress. "This is hopeless Harry!" she exclaimed.

I just smiled and took her hand as I laid down next to her. "Maybe you do have a crush. It sounds like you have one, but you're the one feeling it, so you're the only one who can truly judge that."

She thought about it for a little while, and finally answered that she thought she had indeed a crush on Sarah. "But she's not answering, so she probably doesn't like me back, and I scared her away."

"Or she's scared because she feels the same. Maybe she's just as scared as you are Kate. Liking someone can be pretty intense, as I'm sure you know by now, and when the object of your affection isn't exactly what everyone thinks of as standard, it's not easy."

"But it all seemed to be so easy for you and dad!" she said, sounding desperate.

"Oh but it wasn't, trust me. We've had our share of facing people about us not being what they expected or wanted us to be. It just didn't really matter at the time. When you love someone, everything else somehow becomes irrelevant. For a while, at least."

"That is so cheesy!" she smiled at me. 

"I know. Listen Kate, just give her some time, maybe she'll reply to you in just a little while, maybe she needed a bit more time than you." I smiled, ruffling her hair so it hung in front of her eyes as she sat up to hug me.

"Thanks Harry."

"Anytime. Keep me updated, okay?"

She nodded and waved at me as I walked out of her room to say goodnight to Sam who was waiting for me in his bedoom, and join Liam and Jude downstairs afterwards.

 


	34. Saying goodbye again

I groaned and slapped my hand at the stupid fly that was walking around on my face, only for it to return a few seconds later. I slapped it again, hitting my face in the process and the fly giggled at me. Wait, flies don't really giggle, do they now? I opened one eye and found a smirking Harry in front of me. 

"Good morning Liam. Had a good sleep?"

"Up until now, yes. First question: why are you up already, second, why did you have to wake me up? I was enjoying a perfectly good sleep." I muttered, a bit grumpy for being woken up from my slumber.

"First answer: because I wanted to make the most of my last day with you before I have to leave, second: because no matter how cute you look when you sleep, I'd like to spend the day with you while you're conscious."

I groaned at the thought. I had been trying really hard to forget that Harry would leave on his tour next week, and he would have rehearsals and meetings and what nots all week starting tomorrow, making sure we would have to go back to nightly phone calls only. "I suppose there's no way that you can stay here and let your crew do the touring?" I groaned as I shifted in the bed, pulling myself closer to his warm body and nuzzling my face into his chest where I heard and felt his chuckles while he stroked my back.

"I don't think that will work babe. I hate the fact that I have to go as much as you do though."

"It just sucks, I was getting used to having you around all day. What did you want to do on our last day together?" I added, trying to brighten our mood again. He shrugged. 

"I didn't really made plans, we could go out into the city, go ice skating or ride the Ferris wheel on the Christmas fair. Or stay in and make waffles. I really don't care Liam, as long as I can spend the day with you, it's all fine with me."

"You know, I can't remember you being so cheesy Haz. Not complaining though, I love how you're all lovey dovey smitten kitten teenage girl around me sometimes." I smiled teasingly as I let my fingers trace the pattern of his abs on his pale skin and chuckled as he flicked his finger against the back of my head. 

"I'm not a lovey dovey smitten kitten teenage girl!" he retorted weakly, therefor admitting that I was very much right about his behaviour. 

We spent the next hour and a half in bed, talking, flirting, kissing, teasing, making out and fooling around like two teenagers, laughing like mad men when we were interrupted by my alarm clock. His head rested on my chest as he played with the hem of my shirt, a big smile on my face and I was sure he had a similar one plastered on his. We were both still slightly out of breath from our laughter when the bedroom door swung open and a grinning Kate stood at the other side.

"Harry!" she exclaimed, running over to the bed where Harry had recovered from his initial shock and sat up against the headboard, the covers slipping down to his waist, giving me a hard time to not look at his beautiful body. 

"Kate, what happened to knocking the door before you come in to anyone's bedroom?" I asked, a bit annoyed by her interrupting our alone time.

"Sorry." She looked at the floor guiltily for a split second. "I just really had to tell Harry that she replied and we're going to the movies on Friday afternoon." she added gleefully and skipped out of the room again, leaving Harry chuckling and shaking his head at her retreating form and me just really confused.

"Care to enlighten me?" I asked as I pulled him back down next to me, leaning on one elbow and twirling a strand of his curls around my finger.

"No, not really." he put his head on his pillow and closed his eyes, but he couldn't help his lips twitching slightly as he tried to hide his smile.

"Come on Haz, tell me already!" I whined, slapping my hand onto his chest lightly.

He chuckled and opened his eyes again to lock them with mine. "We just had a little talk yesterday. She likes a girl in her class and she told her, but then the other girl didn't reply, unlike before and Kate was stressing out. But now apparently all is well again."

"Oh. I heard her tell Jude about a crush on a girl in her class a few weeks ago." I said as I put my head back down, only to shoot back up a few seconds later. "Wait. Are you telling me my 13 year old daughter is going out on a date to the movies on Friday?! No way. No, no, no, she's not going anywhere." I threw the covers off of me and was ready to jump out of bed and go tell Kate that she would in no way go on a date to a dark movie theatre with another hormonal teenager, be it boy or girl. Harry grabbed my wrist when I had just swung my legs out of the bed and pulled me back on the mattress.

"Liam, will you please calm down? She's turning 14 in July, you can in no way expect her to be as shy as I was and wait until she's 16 before she starts dating. And you shouldn't be the one talking, because if I remember correctly you had your first boyfriend when you were merely 14." I huffed and argued weakly that she was a girl and above all my daughter who I had to protect from all evil but I finally let Harry calm me down by stroking my skin and evoking shivers and goosebumps all over my body. After a while he stated we should really get out of bed before the kitchen would be turned into a battle field by my hungry kids, so I reluctantly freed myself from his embrace and had a quick shower before I changed into a loose pair of jeans and a comfortable jumper while Harry disappeared into the bathroom. A look in the mirror taught me that I actually needed to shave, but I decided not to care. I had every right to be lazy on my holidays, especially when my boyfriend was about to leave me for six whole weeks while touring the country and even a week overseas. I'd miss him like crazy, but I forced myself not to think about it as long as today lasted. I walked into the kitchen, half expecting to find a right mess, but I was surprised as it was pretty clean. About as clean as I'd left it the night before, at least. Kate sat at the kitchen table, eating cereal as she was engulfed in a texting conversation on her phone, and I found Jude sitting on the counter next to the door, happily chatting to Ethan, who had apparently been dropped off by Gemma earlier and was cooking them eggs and bacon, by the smell of it.

"Oh hey Ethan, i didn't realise you'd be here. Are you guys going out later?"

"Dad I told you we'd go out to the Christmas fair, didn't I?" Jude scoffed as she pushed herself off the counter. "Not my fault that you're too preoccupied with your boyfriend," she added with a big wink. I chuckled and ran my hand through her long wavy hair as I asked them if they had seen Sam. "He's in the living room, engulfed in a book, as he has been all last week."

Sam had found my Harry Potter series in one of the boxes that never got unpacked after we'd moved here and he had been reading them non stop ever since he'd discovered them. I peeked around the living room door and found him in one of the arm chairs, his legs pulled up to his chest as his face was buried in the book. Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, the third book already. Not bad for a nine year old in only six days time. He scrunched his nose as he was concentrating, just like David used to do when he was reading, shutting the outside world out completely, only the world in his book existing and of any importance. I remembered having tried to get David's attention while he was reading the newest Jonathan Safran Foer, by telling him I would leave him for the neighbours daughter who was pregnant with my child, but the only reply I got was a hum and a faint. "Okay, text me when you get back so I can start on dinner."

I turned around again and almost walked into Harry who just opened the door from the hallway, his curls a bit damp and the hair hanging in front of his eyes, making him flip his hair every once in a while as it bothered him. He kissed me quickly before he walked up to his nephew, punching him playfully as he teased him about not being able to stay away from his girlfriend and stole a bit of bacon from the frying pan, almost burning his fingers and tongue in the process.

"Right, I think this is finished. We've got more than enough though, so if you'd like some too, mr Payne and Harry..." I glared at him. "Sorry, I meant Liam," Ethan smiled and finished his sentence. It smelled good so Harry and I gladly accepted the offer to join them for breakfast. We said we'd take care of the dishes in return for the cooking, so Ethan and Jude took off soon after and Kate retreated to the living room, leaving me and Harry alone in the kitchen.

"What do you want to do today babe?" Harry asked as he was putting the plates in the dishwasher. I thought about it for a minute. 

'"I'd like to go for a long walk. I love long walks in winter, we could go to the forest or something. But I guess we should take Sam as well, we can't leave him alone."

"I'm sure he'll be fine Li, he'll be reading his book as he's done the last couple of days. Would you be okay with it if Kate stayed here too? We're taking our phones anyway."

I contemplated his proposition for a little while and finally agreed, but only if Kate was going to stay in. It was still broad daylight and we'd be back before it got dark, so I supposed it couldn't do much harm. Harry went to ask Kate if she had any plans, which she didn't, and got her to agree to keep Sam company while we were gone. I went upstairs to dress a little warmer and found Harry a warm sweater and socks he could borrow as well. I smiled up at him as I sat down on the bottom step to fasten my laces. Half of his face was hidden into a white woollen scarf and the collar of his dark grey coat stood up so there was no bare skin left between coat and scarf. I could just make out his dimples as he smiled back at me and I stood up to pull the scarf down and press a kiss to his lips. "We're not even outside yet, and it's a half an hour drive, so I would go easy on the dressing up if I were you." I smiled before we yelled a goodbye to Kate and Sam and walked out the door to get in my car. I drove us to one of my favourite places to go for a long walk and parked the car on the large parking lot that was now completely deserted. Harry walked around the car, adjusting his scarf to protect his face from the icy wind and grabbed my hand. I had brought my gloves but I didn't feel like wearing them yet, wanting to feel the little bits of his exposed skin against mine. We walked along the small paths for about two hours, enjoying the beautiful and quiet scenery of the forest in winter. It hadn't snowed yet this winter, but it had been pretty cold so the leafs beneath our feet crackled as we walked on them. It was a sound that always made me feel at ease and even a little happy. I came here the days after David passed. Walking on and on and on, alone, crying while I walked, my eyelashes frozen when I arrived back at the car. 

We were walking along in silence, allowing thoughts to flood through my mind. So much had changed in the past two years. It was almost two whole years now, and instead of walking here alone, crying over my death husband, I was here with my new boyfriend, who was also my old boyfriend, in a way. The relationship was therefor a really strange mix between fresh, exciting and new and comfortable, familiar and coming home with each other. It was confusing sometimes, and I couldn't say he had cured me from my grief, but he sure had made it better. I could enjoy life again, be it together with him, alone or with my children, I was no longer stuck inside my own little sad world. "Thank you." I said as I looked at him. He looked up, obviously lost in his own thoughts until I had spoken, but he knew better than to ask what I was thanking him for and just smiled, squeezing my hand softly. 

"Your fingers are freezing. You should put on your gloves Li." He spoke sofly as we walked on, our pace rather quick and our strides long, to make sure we were moving fast enough to keep us warm. I shrugged but did as he told me when he stopped and waited for me to pull them on. He was awfully close to me when I looked up again, and his eyes were burning right into my soul. I stood on my tip toes and pulled his scarf down as I did the same with mine, leaning in to capture his lips between mine. I felt my body leaning against his, his warmth seeping through the layers of fabric as he wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped mine around his neck. Our lips moved slowly, a wonderful contrast to our fast strides from earlier, making it seem as if the world had stopped turning. I deepened the kiss as I felt his fingers spread out on the small of my back, pulling me impossibly closer to him while my own hands were tugging at the curls on the back of his neck. Everything was just absolutely perfect as we stood there. Complete silence apart from a few forest noises and our slightly ragged breathing, the sun low in the sky, spreading its golden glow on our surroundings and Harry's face. I pulled away and looked into his bright green eyes that shone with so much love. I put my hand up to his face and stroked it softly, a little annoyed by the fabric of my gloves keeping our skins from touching. "Thank you Haz. I love you so much." I whispered, biting my lip softly.

"I love you too Li. And whatever it is you're thanking me for, you're welcome." Half a smile tugged on his lips as he pressed another quick kiss on my cheek and took my hand in his again, turning again to continue the walk.

It took us another hour to get back to the car, not much was said again, not much needed to be said, there were so many unspoken sentences flowing between us with every glance, every squeeze of our hands that speaking was completely unnecessary. He took the keys out of my hands once we'd reached the car and got behind the wheel, adjusting his chair and the mirrors while he waited for me to get into the passenger seat. I looked at him questioningly but he just smiled and drove off, first driving in the direction of my house but then taking a different turn on a roundabout, speeding past streets and houses I didn't recognize. He pulled into a parking lot at a shabby looking cafetaria and got out, waiting for me to join him before he walked to the door. It may have looked shabby on the outside, but inside it was cosy and warm, due to all the woodwork and the large fireplace in the middle. The lovely smell of the fireplace was spread throughout the room and I inhaled it greedily as I followed Harry towards the back, through another doorway leading to a porch, only a wall of glass between the tables that sat there and the riverbanks. I gasped, it was a beautiful place this time of the year, I couldn't believe I didn't know about it. He took the menu out of my hands after I'd picked it up, and asked if I'd allow him to order for the both of us. I nodded, trusting him pretty much with my life, so I wouldn't hesitate on trusting him with my drinks. He ordered us something that sounded complicated, but it turned out to be a delicious sort of hot chocolate and an giant plate of different sorts of cake. I savoured both the cake, the drinks and every second with Harry. The sun was setting quickly, indicating that our time to go home was nearing, and therefor his time to leave was also coming awfully close. It was almost dark outside when we drove back home, the roads quiet and  desolate as it was the holidays still and the neighbourhood we were in was pretty quiet in itself. I looked up against our arrival at home as to a giant mountain I had to climb.

We were even quieter as we entered the house, greeting Kate, Sam and Jude, who apparently had returned from her date with Ethan already, making our way to the kitchen to start on dinner together. It had become a sort of automatism, a well known routine for the both of us. We knew very well what the other would do and we worked together as a team, finishing each others tasks without having to ask. I smiled at Harry as I took the pot filled with water and rice from his hands to put it on the stove, and continued chopping vegetables for the sauce while he started on the meat. Sadness took over more and more of my mind, laying upon me like a heavy blanket by the time dinner was served at the kitchen table. The kids were silent as well, clearly sensing we weren't in the mood for pointless chatter. They left us alone as soon as they had cleared their plate, saying their goodbyes to Harry before leaving the kitchen.

The dishwasher was filled up, the counter was pretty much shining and the table cleaner than it had been all week, leaving us both to look around the kitchen, trying to find another task to stall the moment of saying goodbye. There was nothing left to do though, and we knew that very well. I leaned against the counter, my back turned to the room as I watched him from the corner of my eyes, standing near the sink, facing the wall as well. He turned around and took two strides to end up by my side.

"I should..."

"Go home. I know." I completed his sentence, the sadness about him leaving feeling even heavier on my chest as I swallowed the lump in my throat. I shouldn't act like a stupid moron, he would only be gone for six weeks, and I was going to see him next week, on his premiere, and on his birthday next month as well. And there were phone calls while he was away. No matter how hard I tried not to let them appear, I felt tears brimming my eyes as he pulled on my shoulder to make me face him. He wrapped himself around me, surrounding me one last time with his magnificent foresty smell before he pulled away and kissed me deeply and passionately.

"Don't put yourself through waving me goodbye Li. I'll find my way out. Go and find some company with your fantastic children and let them keep you busy while I'm gone. I'll call you every single night and during the day whenever I have time. Don't ever forget how much I love you and care about you, and know that I'll miss you just as much." He pressed another sweet kiss to my lips and hugged me one last time before he turned around. I watched him through the glass in the kitchen door, picking up his bag that I didn't see him make earlier and walking towards the door. "Go Liam. I love you."

"I love you too." I croaked from the doorway, a tear trickling down my cheek as I saw him walk out my front door, having to keep myself from running behind me and begging him to stay as I knew very well that he couldn't.

I tried really hard to smile at the attempts of my daughters to cheer me up by playing a game of Charades, and Sam even succeeded to make me chuckle at his attempt to draw a pink elephant in pictionary. I smiled half heartedly at the text I got from Harry, letting me know he got home safely, followed by seven others, telling me he already missed me and he loved me, and that he had enjoyed our last day together, but I still felt awfully lonely when I laid in bed alone again, for the first time in over a week. I knew already I would be counting down the days until he would come back home to me. 42 to go.


	35. On tour

I sighed as I fell down in my bed, who on earth ever came up with the idea of a week filled with long and boring meetings at unearthly times in the morning, followed by more meetings and interviews in the afternoon, and finally a few hours of rehearsals in the evening? I was dead tired after the past four days, and the fact that I had to come home to my own empty house rather than stay at Liam's and enjoy his company made it even worse. We had thought about me staying over at his for this week, but it was just useless, I would hardly ever be there, leaving early in the morning and coming back late in the evening, too tired to speak more than three words. I just hoped the next five weeks would be easier, knowing that I was further away from home so it was physically impossible to spend time together. Right now I practically lived for our phone calls every night, even if they consisted of nothing more than telling about our days and saying again how much we missed each other. It was so strange how close we had gotten over a little more than a week. I loved every bit of it.

I was happy the meetings were now finally over and I would be able to sleep in until noon before I had to get to the venue for the première next day, a final dress rehearsal and a short press conference was on the programme for the afternoon, and then I would meet up with Liam for dinner before the show started. I was pretty nervous about this show, as it was the first time there was so much of me inside my songs. The set list for the tour had been decided on weeks ago, and it consisted mostly of songs that were on the new album, that had been selling fairly well. I felt vulnerable singing those very personal snippets of my life in front of so many people, and I was really happy that Liam would be there when I first played them.

 

"Alright guys, thanks, if everything goes as well tonight, I'll be the one buying you beers after every concert on tour." I cheered at them as I put my guitar down in its standard and walked off stage to my dressing room. I put a few bottles of water in the freezer before I grabbed my phone and walked out of the venue to go and find Liam. He should've arrived by now, and was probably waiting in the parking lot. I had told him he could come earlier and get back stage but he had insisted that he wouldn't want to bother me and he would just meet me after the final rehearsal. I had just walked out into the parking lot when I recognised his red car driving a few yards away from me. He was behind the wheel, looking stressed out because of the London traffic at this time of day. Holidays were over now for most people, so everyday life was back on track, including traffic jams on Saturday evenings. I walked towards the parking space he had just pulled into, and waited for him to get out of his car. He was in such a hurry that he hadn't even noticed me standing there and he would've ran past me if I hadn't stopped him by blocking his way. A look of annoyance crossed his face for a second, until he recognised me and smiled, wrapping his arms around me as if it had been years since he'd last seen me. Not that I had any right to say something about it, as I gladly returned the gesture and buried my face into his neck, inhaling his familiar hazelnutty scent before he pulled away to kiss me forcefully on the lips. "I missed you." he breathed in between the lighter pecks that followed.

"Me too." I mentally rolled my eyes at the statement, because it was true. It had only been 5 days since I'd left him, and I had missed him like crazy. What would it be for the next 5 weeks? I took his hand in mine and enjoyed the familiar warmth spreading through my body as we walked out, our hands swinging back and forth between us on our way to the restaurant I'd made reservations for. It was quite early in the evening, so we were the only ones around. Most people would probably start arriving to eat when we were about to leave, as the concert started at 8.30. I didn't want to eat too much, I couldn't have anyway, because nerves were causing my stomach to twist and turn, so I settled with a bowl of soup and a spinach and salmon quiche. Liam ordered his food, which I really didn't catch, I was too busy trying to enjoy his company despite my nerves.

I found him smiling at me from across the table when I looked up from my glass of water. He grabbed the hand that had just set my glass down and squeezed it. "You're nervous." It wasn't a question because it really didn't need to be asked. I nodded and tried to smile, but failed miserably.

"You'll do just fine. I know you will." he tried reassuring me. "I've never seen you this nervous before. Are you always like this before a concert?" I shook my head. 

"No, usually it goes better once the première is over. But I'm extra nervous today because of the songs... they're probably the most personal ones I've ever written." He nodded and squeezed my hand again, his brown eyes locking with mine as to reassure me everything would be fine. And for a moment, I truly believed it. Liam pulled his hand away to make room for the waitress to put our soup down, and we didn't speak much until we were finished. And when we were, Liam did most of the talking, nerves still getting the better of me. I smiled at his stories about Jude and Ethan, how they had practically been joined at the hip in this last week, spending every single minute of their Christmas holidays together. I was also pleased to hear about Kate's date yesterday. She'd come home from it on cloud nine, even though nothing happened, or so she claimed. And Sam, he was just Sam. The ever carefree cute kid I'd grown to love so much over the past few months. There were always funny or cute stories to tell about him, and Liam enjoyed telling them as much as I loved listening to them. He managed to get me a little bit more relaxed by the time our main course had arrived, although the nerves came back in full force when I glanced at my watch after putting my cutlery back down. Liam chuckled at my probably frightened expression and motioned the waitress to come over with the check, which he quickly paid before he grabbed my hand again and took me back to the venue. In some weird way, sitting around in my dressing room always relaxed me, so I was glad about being there while everyone was scurrying around back stage, fixing things that needed to be fixed last minute.

I took a quick shower while Liam sat and relaxed for a little while on the sofa, reading an old gossip magazine. I wrapped a towel around my waist as I came out of the shower, and walked over to the pile of clothes that had been left by my stylist as I dried my hair with another towel. Liam looked up from his magazine, a smile on his lips that was replaced by a deep red blush as soon as he noticed I was only wearing a towel. I smirked at his flustered face, the nerves having seemingly flooded down the drain during my shower. 

"You've surely seen me in less than a towel Liam, there's really no need to blush." I smirked teasingly. He just stuck out his tongue and muttered something about how that had been 20 years ago before he buried his face in his magazine again, trying to look interested in it. I chuckled and turned around to get dressed in the black jeans and the petrol colored shirt that Shane had laid out for me. I admired her taste in clothing when I looked at myself in the mirror, the color suited me perfectly, even though it really wasn't something I would've chosen for myself. Liam had gotten up and wrapped his arms around me, pressing a soft kiss to my neck. 

"You need to get your make up done babe, so I'll go out and find my seat. It"ll be fine, you'll do perfect and I'll be watching and listening." he whispered before he let go again. I grabbed his hand before he could turn and walk away, to steal another kiss before I had to let him go and Ellen walked yelled at me from the other side of the hallway, gesturing I had to hurry up to get my make up done. It was only 10 minutes before the concert would start, and the nerves were back, be it in a way I could handle them. They were down to a slight flutter in my stomach that flared up a bit when I walked on stage and people were applauding at me. I always found that strange, they were clapping even before I'd done or said a thing. I grabbed my guitar and took my place on the stool behind the microphone, and started welcoming everyone and saying thanks while my eyes searched for Liam's in the crowd. I smiled and the last bit of nerves disappeared when I'd found them, and I started playing the first song, feeling confident and happy.

It all went well and smoothly, and before I knew it, it was time for the break, meaning I was over halfway through. Liam sent me a wink before I took my guitar back to its stand and walked off stage, in desperate need of a fresh shirt as this one was completely soaked in sweat. 

The second half went by even more quickly, and soon enough the set list indicated that there was only one song left. The one that meant so much. I cleared my throat as I looked into the audience, purposely not looking at Liam while I introduced the next song.

"I'd like to dedicate this song to someone really special to me, you know who you are. I performed this song for the first time on a concert almost a year ago, and back then it held a promise for the future, but I'm really happy I can say now that it holds truth about the present as well as a promise for a long, very long future. It's times like these." Where the chords had been new for me when I'd first dedicated the song to him, they were very familiar now, and the words rolled of my tongue without having to think about them. It had become my song, our song and I tried hard not to look at Liam, because I knew he'd probably be crying while I sang it, and I wouldn't manage to keep my own tears in when I noticed. Sure enough, I saw Liam wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye when I had sung my final note. I smiled and sent him a wink before I thanked everyone for the wonderful night again and made my way backstage. I decided not to bother with a shower and just quickly wiped the make up off my face and changed into the clothes I'd been wearing before so I could go out and see Liam as soon as I possibly could. He was waiting in the hallway, leaning against a wall as he was checking his phone. Probably to make sure Jude was doing okay watching her sister and brother at home. He looked up and grinned at me when I was a few feet away.

"You were wonderful babe. I loved it. And thanks for the dedication."

"What makes you think you were the one I was talking about?" I teased, pressing a small kiss on his lips before he slapped my arm playfully. I hugged him, feeling relieved he had liked it and took his hand to pull him along to the bar. As it was the première, there would surely be some people I needed to see and talk to, public relations-shit. I ordered a beer from the bar and made my way through the crowd, talking to several people who worked for the record company, for news papers or music magazines on the way. Liam smiled meekly all the time, but I could tell he was as annoyed that we couldn't talk properly as I was. I was relieved when all those professionals were leaving, the crowd thinning so there was some time to breathe and move around in the bar. I smiled politely at yet another journalist who came to say hello and goodbye, and ordered another beer for me and a coke for Liam as I turned around to face him. I kissed him quickly and was about to say something when my eyes were drawn towards a blond woman that was walking away from the bar, a drink in her hands. 

"Sanne?" I said, raising my voice a little to make sure she'd hear me over the noise in the room. She turned around and her eyes lit up as soon as she found mine. "Oh my god, Sanne, it's been ages!" I took two strides as she did the same and flung my arms around her, holding her close to me for a few seconds before I let go again. "How have you been? Where have you been?"

"Travelling." she said dismissively. "But good. And you, you've become a big name around Europe mister Styles. I'm proud of you." her smile was warm and I could tell she meant it. Liam cleared his throat and I turned around and extended my hand to him so he'd come over. I saw a spark of jealousy in his eyes as he glanced at Sanne and I suppressed a smirk, making a mental note to tease him about it later on, when we were alone. 

"Liam, meet Sanne, an old friend, and by that I mean a friend I made a long time ago," I told him, winking at Sanne at my last addition. "Sanne, meet Liam, my boyfriend." Pride shot through my body as I put my arm around Liam's waist, introducing him as my boyfriend for the first time, when it wasn't our family or friends. Sanne quirked an eyebrow as she caught his name and looked at me with a curious expression on her face. "Liam?  _The_  Liam?" I chuckled. "Yes,  _the_  Liam. We just got back together." Liam blushed a little at the realisation that Sanne knew about him, about us. Sanne on my other side could hardly contain her enthusiasm and jumped up and down as she hugged me again. I had to shield my ears to her squealing as she told me how glad she was that we had found each other again. "Oh I have to go and find Joya, she'll be so happy to hear this too!" She had skipped off, leaving me and Liam quite baffled at the bar. Did she mean Joya was here too? It had literally been ages since I'd seen them both. I felt a tug at my sleeve and found Liam next to me, eyeing me with pure confusion written on his face.

"Who the hell was that woman and why was she jumping you?" he asked as he handed me my beer. I explained him quickly how I'd met Sanne and Joya at the studio a few months after we had split up. They had both been PR-interns and we became great friends over the time they were there. We'd lost contact other than email as soon as they took back off to their home countries, Holland and Canada respectively, and that had also died down over the years. I had only just finished my explanation to Liam when I felt someone jump on my back, causing me to almost fall backwards. I regained my balance and turned around to find a very excited Joya, jumping up and down like Sanne had done a few minutes before. 

"Harryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Hi! It's so good to see you again! You haven't changed one bit!" she squealed before engulfing me in another big hug. I could've sworn I saw another pang of jealousy cross on Liam's face, but he was quick to hide it as Joya turned to him and sent him a wink. "Oh Harry, you told us about Liam but you failed to mention he was this handsome." Typical Joya, always the flirt. 

The four of us went to find a table and we sat down for a fair amount of time, chatting and catching up, until Sanne warned Joya they should get going or they would miss the last bus to their hotel. They both kissed us on the cheek and promised me to start emailing again and send pictures of their respective boyfriend and husband and kids before they headed out of the bar, still talking and giggling as they went. 

"Li, were you seriously jealous of Sanne and Joya?" I asked him teasingly when they were gone.

"No!" he replied quickly, a little too quickly. "Okay, maybe a little, but you've got to see it from my point of view, my boyfriend just got jumped by two women I didn't know and he seemed very familiar with. You'd be jealous too." He defended himself, making me smile at his cuteness. "And besides, now I've had less time with you all to myself before your tour bus leaves." a pout crossed his lips, and I felt guilt tugging at my heart. He was right, our time together was limited tonight, I should've thought about it earlier.

"I'm sorry love, I didn't think about that, I was just excited to see them again." I replied guiltily before I pulled him off his chair and onto my lap. The bar was now almost empty, it was just the two of us and a small group of thirty-something women that sat at a table at the other end of the bar. I nuzzled my face into Liam's neck as I pulled him closer to me, inhaling his scent greedily and pressing small kisses on his neck. I smiled as he subconsciously leaned in to the touch and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He kissed me softly on the lips, deepening the kiss after a few seconds. I'd miss him so badly, it became clearer with every touch, every kiss, every word we spoke. 

The lights were dimmed when Dan called for me. "Harry! It's time dude, we're leaving." I realised only then it was probably pretty late, the bartender had closed up already, and Liam and I were the only ones left in the bar, except for Dan who was walking inside now. I groaned at his statement, knowing this was it. 

"I'm coming Dan, five more minutes." I told him, and waited for him to be gone again before I pulled Liam up with me and wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his hazelnutty scent one last time.

"A forest in the summer, when it has just rained after a long period of dryness." he said, seemingly random.

"Huh?"

"You asked me last week why I was always inhaling your scent, what you smelled like. A forest in the summer, after a heavy rain." he explained, smiling softly as his fingers played with the buttons of my shirt.

I returned his smile and cupped his face with my hand as I pulled him closer to kiss him once more. "You smell like hazelnuts."

"I'm going to miss you."

"As cheesy as it sounds, I already miss you now Li."

He smiled and took my hand, squeezing it softly before he pulled me outside to the parking lot, where the tour bus was waiting, the crew members smoking their last cigarettes next to it. "Go, come on, I don't want you to arrive late at your hotel. It's already 2am," he said softly before he let go of my hand.

I sighed and nodded, knowing he was right. We were facing a three hour drive before arriving at the next stop, where we would check in to the hotel and I could sleep for a fairly long time but some of the crew would have to get up at 7am to set up the venue. "Yeah. Don't forget that I love you, okay?"

"I couldn't if I wanted to. Love you too Haz. And I'll see you on your birthday."

"And you'll hear me every day, no exceptions allowed." 

He chuckled. "Yes, call me tomorrow when you're up. You're the sleepy head between the two of us."

"Will do. Bye babe." I kissed him one last time and watched him as he walked of to his car, only letting go of his hand when he was out of reach. Little over four weeks before I'd see him again. He'd come over to Dublin, where we'd be playing the day before and two days after my birthday, but I'd made sure I had two days off to celebrate with Liam. He'd taken a couple of days off at work and the kids would be staying at Kendra's while he was with me. 

I quickly got on the bus and installed myself in my usual bunk, my eyes drooping as soon as I'd crawled into my sleeping bag, but I allowed myself to fall asleep only when Liam'd texted me that he got home safely.

 


	36. A birthday in Dublin

I stood up from my seat as soon as the seat belt-lights went out, but of course got stuck in the long line of people who were still taking their luggage out of the overhead compartment and moving ever so slowly towards the exit. It had been a short flight, but it was too long anyway, even a 20 minute drive would have been too long for the level of anticipation I was at. After what seemed like an hour I finally spotted the door and the three stewardesses that were at its side, bidding each passenger a good day. I smiled politely and wished them the same thing as I hurried outside, finally able to overtake the slow people who had been in front of me. I didn't have any luggage except the small bag I was carrying, so I could walk immediately to customs, which was pretty much a formality that consisted of showing my passport and then into the arrival hall of the airport.

It was pretty busy for 10am on a Monday morning, making it pretty hard to scan the crowd for who I was looking for. I didn't really expect Harry to show up himself, as he had had a late night yesterday, and he hated getting up early in the morning, so I was pretty much looking for someone from his crew or even a taxi driver. I didn't see a sign with my name on and I didn't recognize anyone, so I decided to walk through the crowd and buy myself a coffee from the stand on the other side of the hall. I had hardly left the area close to the door, surrounded by the metal railings when I was suddenly blinded by two cool hands placed over my eyes. It could have been scary if the sudden blindness hadn't been accompanied by a husky voice whispering in my ear. "Guess who?"

A huge grin spread on my face as I turned around, freeing myself from his blinding hands and embracing him forcefully. His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me close, lifting me off the floor a little bit. I smiled as he put me back down and kissed his lips, enjoying the sensation I'd missed for over four weeks. "For a minute I was afraid you'd be a lost reindeer or something, it would've been weird to kiss that." I winked before I kissed him again, I couldn't get enough of it now I finally had it back. Or him. "Happy birthday babe."

"Yeah, let's not mention that. 44 sounds horribly old, like my mother-kind of old. Ugh. You hungry Li?" I nodded and he tugged me out of the airport, onto a coach that was supposed to drive us to the city center. We had called each other every day so technically there wasn't much to tell, but it was never a problem to find a subject of conversation when we were together. We were still happily chatting when we jumped of the coach in the middle of Dublin and Harry guided us quickly to the hotel he was staying in. We had to avoid people hurrying past us on our way, as well as make sure not to slip on one of the many icy patches on the pavement, another thing caused by the frost that bit our noses and hands. Harry tried to pull his scarf up with his nose so he wouldn't need to let go of my hand, as his other held my bag. I chuckled at his failing attempts and reached out to help him, flicking his nose as I did so, nearly losing my balance because of the ice patch I walked on without watching where I went. Harry quickly wrapped his arm around me, my bag swinging in his hand when he caught me. I blushed slightly when I noticed how close to each other we had ended up. It was crazy how he made me feel, and I didn't really understand why I blushed, but I still did, probably partly because of the very mature thoughts that popped into my head when my body was smashed against his. I could tell he was smiling by looking in his eyes, his crooked, sexy 'I know what you're thinking' smile. For once I really hoped he didn't know what I was thinking though.

He cleared his throat, breaking the tension that hung between us like a web of frozen spider rag. "The hotel is just around the corner." I nodded, still slightly flushed and followed him on the way there. It was a quite simple hotel, no unnecessary bling, but very comfortable nevertheless. His room had a large bed in the middle, and I found a large rainshower in the enormous bathroom. The glass showerdoor surrounding it was clear, and I bit my lip at the thought of what I would see if I walked in here while Harry was showering. It became harder every day and hour to ignore what his presence or even the mere thought of him did to me, the longing, the want he evoked inside of me. If I forgot everything else, I could truly say I wanted him. So, so badly. I wanted to be his and for him to be mine. But then I remembered. Christmas eve. How bad I'd felt when I realised I couldn't. And I just knew. I knew it hadn't changed yet. Not completely. I was still tied to my past, and not able to cut the strings keeping me from giving myself to Harry in the way that I wanted, the way we both wanted. I was still recovering from the all controlling grief. It wasn't that ever present anymore, but it was still there and I couldn't ignore it.

Harry sat on the bed and looked up at me as I returned from the bathroom. I took his extended hand and let him pull me on his lap, where I made myself comfortable, my nose nuzzling into his neck, met with his familiar and comforting scent. I didn't know how he did it, but even when it was freezing outside and it was as winterish as it could get, he still smelled like summer. Like comfort and careless fun. It made me feel at ease. It had always done. His fingers played with the curly hair in my neck as he pulled back, searching my eyes. "Are you okay Li?" he asked, and at first I missed the meaning behind his words, but when he kept looking at me questioningly after I had quickly nodded, I got it. It was February. The most dreaded month in the entire year. I had been thinking a lot last month, having little distraction once the kids were in bed, and thinking about the sad anniversary at the end of this month had been inevitable. On the 23d, it would be 2 years already. Two years without my David, my husband, the love of my life. The other love of my life. The first one was here with me, being the best boyfriend of all times, waiting patiently until I was ready to accept it, accept him as my new love completely. I smiled a small smile and nodded again, kissing him on his nose, not wanting to let these sad thoughts nestle in my mind now, when I was finally with him again to celebrate his birthday together.

I smiled before I smashed my lips on his, leaving him breathless when I pulled away a minute later. "What do you want to do to celebrate tonight?" I said lightly as I stood up to find a warm sweater in my bag.

"I was thinking dinner and the pub, maybe?" he answered, tying his shoe laces before getting up to take our coats from the hanger near the door.

"Sounds great. You can open your presents at the restaurant then. But I'm hungry now, so let's find some lunch first, do you know something around here?"

 "I noticed a cosy looking bakery on my way to the airport this morning. We need to stop at the front desk though, one of the girls promised me to get me the phone number of a good restaurant for tonight."

"Okay, you ready?" I took my coat out of his hands and kissed him quickly before walking out the door. I couldn't not kiss him whenever he was within a yard from me, he was damn addictive.

We both had some rolls and a chocolate filled croissant for lunch, together with a large cup of coffee before we went for a walk around the city. I hadn't been to Dublin before and I was surprised by its beauty. Even in the middle of a freezing winter it was cosy and lively, but not too busy once we were out of the business area of town. I enjoyed the afternoon but to be fair, I would've enjoyed anything as long as Harry was with me. We were sitting in a small café, warming our hands on a cup of tea before we would go back to the hotel to change for dinner. 

"Are you excited about next week?" I asked Harry after I sipped my cup. He nodded and swallowed his mouthful of tea. 

"Yeah, pretty much, I've only played in Amsterdam and Brussels once, and I loved it then, so I look forward to playing there again. And that club in Brussels is really nice, not too big and it looks a little like an old theatre." 

I smiled at the excitement lighting up his eyes as he spoke about his last few concerts. It was easy to tell that he absolutely loved his job.

"But I'm glad the concert in Brussels will be the last one, I'm tired of being away from home, away from you." He put his hand on mine and played with my fingers as he smiled lightly.

"I'm glad you'll be home after next week too. I missed you. And I'd like you to come to that dinner at Gemma's on Friday." I sighed at the thought alone but then explained what I was talking about. "Jude and Ethan asked to spend the night together, you know, in one room." I gloomily looked up at Harry's wide grin and scoffed as he chuckled.

"It's not funny Harry! She's my daughter, she should stay a virgin until she dies. Or at least until I die."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Stop being so dramatic Liam. You know very well that the two of them love each other and Ethan is a decent guy. You should be glad she's with him now and not with that twat that left her for one of the cheerleaders." I knew he was right, but that didn't mean I was at ease with the idea of my daughter having sex. Not just yet. I sulked for a bit but he soon managed to cheer me up again with funny stories about the tour.

He got up and pulled me with him when our tea was finished, telling me he wanted to shower before dinner and our reservations were in an hour and a half. We took a taxi back to the hotel and I watched the news while I waited for Harry to come out of the shower. He walked out of the bathroom, rubbing his hair with one of the fluffy white hotel towels while another one was wrapped around his waist. I gulped but when I saw his face, I could easily tell he had done it on purpose, just to wind me up after the little incident in his dressing room at the première. I scoffed at him and slapped his bum before I retreated into the bathroom for a shower myself. I quickly showered and dried my hair before shaving and styling my hair into a something that looked decent, before walking out in only a towel as well. Two could play this game. 

I smirked at Harry's face as I walked past him, swaying my hips to tease him even more. I grabbed a fresh pair of boxers from my bag and stepped into them before pulling the towel off and throwing it over Harry's head to stop him from staring even more. I had noticed the look in his eyes, the love, the lust, and it made me blush.

The restaurant was at walking distance so we grabbed our coats again, and a scarf and gloves, a bag containing Harry's presents in my right hand as Harry's hand was in my left. The restaurant looked nice, and it smelled of a mixture of good food. A young blond girl guided us to our table after she took our coats, handing us the menu before asking if we wanted something to drink. Neither of us had to drive for once, so we ordered champagne for the both of us, we were celebrating after all. We ordered our food and matching wine when she came back with the ice bucket with our bottle of champagne and some appetizers. She filled our glasses and left us to enjoy the champagne and each others company while we waited for our food to arrive. 

Harry kept glancing at the bag at my feet, and I could tell he was curious about what was in there, but I wanted to keep him waiting until dessert. The waitress came to take our plates away after the main course and asked if we wanted coffee or tea with the desserts we'd ordered. I said I'd like some coffee and finally gave in to Harry's curiosity as she walked away. He grinned widely as I put the first package on the table, sliding it towards him. He looked at the rectangular shape and let his fingers slide over the wrapping paper. "What is it?" I rolled my eyes and told him to open it as that was the best way to find out. He lost all patience and ripped the paper open, revealing the white tissue paper that was wrapped around the frame. He took that off more carefully and his eyes went wide as he saw what was inside. It was a silver rimmed frame, with a large picture of the two of us inside. Jude had taken the picture last Christmas, and I had to admit we both looked happy and very much in love. The picture was smaller than the frame, and I had the lyrics to Jason Mraz's I won't give up printed and put them under it.

"My god, Liam. Thank you." I could see tears were brimming his eyes as he looked at me over the table.

"I take it you like it?"

"I love it." He grabbed my hand and I laced my fingers with his, but soon realised I had to make it quick if I wanted to give him his other present before our desserts would arrive. I let go of his hand and reached into the bag again, pulling out a small package and putting it in his hand that was still lying on the table. 

"Please don't freak out about this." I added in a small voice before he eyed me curiously and opened it, this time pulling the tape off and unwrapping it slowly. The silver key fell into his hand and it took him a few minutes before he realised what it was. I watched him cautiously, afraid he would start freaking out, but he stayed silent, looking from me to the key in his hand and back. "A key to your house?" he finally asked. 

I nodded. "Yeah, it seems convenient. I mean, you've been staying over a lot, and I don't want that to change, even when you come home late or have to leave early. And this way you don't have to wait outside for me to come home like last month when I went to the supermarket and you came back early from your meeting." I couldn't stop talking, only shutting up when he reached over the table and put a finger to my lips, replacing his fingers with his lips as soon as he had gotten up and walked around the table. 

"Thank you so, so much Li. You have no idea how much this means to me. Really, thank you."

"Oh, am I interrupting something?" the waitress said as she neared our table, two plates in her hands. I chuckled and shook my head. 

"No, it's fine, thanks." I smiled as I watched Harry go back to his seat.

We finished dessert and decided we didn't really feel like going to the pub after, so we paid the check and walked back to the hotel, stopping by a 24 hour shop to buy another bottle of wine and some crisps to enjoy together with some cheesy movie on one of the many television channels.

Half an hour later, we were snuggled up to each other in the king sized bed, both of us dressed only in our pyjama pants, an awfully romantic movie playing on the TV. I enjoyed the warmth of his chest beneath my cheek, and the rather large amount of wine made me slightly sleepy. I felt how I dozed of slowly but surely, and I only realised the next morning how I had completely missed the end of the movie. So had Harry, apparently, as the TV was still playing, showing some stupid breakfast show now. He moved slightly in his sleep and I smiled at the soft snores leaving his mouth. I loved this man, and I enjoyed every moment spent with him. I already felt sad at the thought of having to leave him again this evening, but I knew he'd be home next week, so that made it something I could handle. 

He woke up half an hour later, and we decided to have a lazy day, calling room service for breakfast and putting the "do not disturb" sign on the door handle as soon as our food arrived. We just talked, cuddled and laughed together, until my alarm clock made it clear that it was time to leave for the airport again.

 

"Come on Liam, you"ll miss you flight if you stall any longer. I'll be home next Wednesday, and I'll come straight to yours, as soon as I set foot on British ground." He kissed me one last time before he pushed me towards the gate, waving at me as I turned around three times before passing through security.

 


	37. Home again

"Li? It's me. Listen, that stupid management meeting is running late, so I won't make it back to yours before six, shall I meet you straight at Gemma's?"

He sounded disappointment, but agreed anyway.

"Okay, half past seven was it, right? Shit, sorry love I need to go, I see you tonight. Love ya!"

I quickly hung up as I spotted the big boss of my management company walk towards me. We were supposed to meet up an hour before, but he had been delayed, or so his secretary had told me. Tim scurried out of his office on the other side of the hall, looking nervous as hell. I still had no idea what this meeting would be about, but it had to be important, if Mr Delaware himself would make time for it.

I rolled my eyes at Tim when his boss had left the small meeting room, two hours after we'd entered it. "I still don't get why this was necessary, but I sure hope you're happy with your promotion Tim." I produced a small smile before I finished my glass of water and got up. "It's Friday though, so I suppose you want to go home as badly as I do, call me sometime next week to arrange the details, okay?" I got up and waved at him before I hurried out of the office building. All this fuss to ask me if I was alright with Tim being the main responsible for my account, and to evaluate his work over the last five years. While he was in the room. I thought it was utterly strange, but there was not much I could do about it. And yes, I was very happy with his work, as he was the one who got Dave Grohl's consent to covering Times like these, so I was just happy for him he got promoted over it. I got into my car and tried to get home as soon as possible so I could freshen up and change for the dinner at Gemma's. Liam had been fussing about it ever since I had returned on Wednesday evening, he still hated the thought of Jude having sex, but he knew it was inevitable anyway, and I managed to convince him at 2am last night that he should really be glad that they were open about it to their parents. Besides, Jude had left her packet of birth control pills out in the bathroom for a few months now, so there was no need to worry about them being foolish and irresponsible.

Liam's car was already parked outside Gemma's house when I arrived, fifteen minutes later than I should've been. Gemma opened the door for me, right when Jude and Ethan were taking their coats to go out on their date. Ethan gave me a kiss before he walked out to his mother's car, waiting for his girlfriend to follow him. Jude hugged me and quietly asked me to talk some sense into her father before she kissed me on the cheek and ran out behind Ethan.

It was pretty weird to be here tonight, because I wasn't quite sure what role I was supposed to be in. I was still Ethan's uncle, but Jude was my boyfriends' daughter. My boyfriend, who wasn't comfortable with this new stage in his daughter's relationship. I tried to stay out of it as much as possible, only calming Liam down when I thought he was completely overreacting to the situation. In the end, they all managed to agree on them being allowed to stay over at each others houses on weekend nights, and only when they had notified their respective parents up front. I let out a relieved sigh, glad we could now enjoy the rest of Gemma's delicious cooking with this matter out of the way. They asked me about tour, and I was updated on what had happened around here while I was away. Apparently mum and dad had been over in London for a couple of weeks because mum had been down with the flu and dad still couldn't fry an egg if his life depended on it. Everything was back to normal by now though, so there was not really anything to worry about. Liam and I were both dead tired from last night's late talking, so we excused ourselves around eleven, going straight to bed when we came home.

A week passed, Liam was working hard as usual, and I was mostly around the studio, working on some songs I'd written for other bands or singers, and in meetings or preparing for a single gig here and there when I wasn't at the studio. Most nights were spent at Liam's, although I tried to be at home at least two nights to give my cats their fair share of attention. Ethan and Louise had taken good care of them while I was away, but the poor animals had been alone for far too much already.

Liam and I were watching TV on his couch that Sunday night, Sam was in bed already and Jude and Kate were somewhere around the house.

"You've got the whole week off Li?" I asked, cuddled into his side, my head resting on his chest as I was spread out on the couch.

He shook his head. "No, I'm working tomorrow and then I'm free on Tuesday and Wednesday only. I didn't want to be at home, on my own all day and I've got too much work on my hands to take the entire week off anyway."

"You shouldn't work so hard, tell your boss he needs to hire someone else to help you with your cases. It's ridiculous Li, you're even working at home every night to get it all done."

He sighed. "I told him that plenty of times but he just says there's no money for someone else. Although he bought himself yet another fancy car last month. But anyway, he gave me those two days off so I shouldn't complain."

"Yeah because your husband died two years ago. Djeez Liam, don't let him push you around like this."

He sighed heavily and looked a bit annoyed at my persistence about his boss giving him too much work. "Haz can we please not talk about this? I really don't want to think about work now. It's a Sunday night and I want  to enjoy what's left of the weekend with you."

"Yeah. Sorry." I stayed silent for a bit as I enjoyed his fingers stroking my arms mindlessly. "Did you take the kids there this morning?"

He nodded. "Uhu. They don't go there much, but they still like to go on special occasions, so we went there after Sam's football match. Which was once again a complete disaster by the way, if you hadn't guessed by him not mentioning the score when you arrived this afternoon. They lost 11 to 4. And still they all believe they're going to become professional footballers."

I smiled and sat up a bit, my head still on his shoulder as I played with his fingers in his lap, my eyes trained on the TV but I hardly even noticed what was on. "You don't have to tell me about what you'll be doing on Tuesday Li, but I kept the day free, as well as Wednesday, so if you want me with you or if you need me, just let me know. I'll be at home until you ask me to come over. I know you need your space when it comes to this, so I'll give it to you, but know that I'm here for you."

"Thanks Haz. I know you're here for me and I'm really grateful for that, but this is something I need to do alone. And I'm glad you know that. I'll call you at night though, and we can still see if you come over later or something. The kids are staying with David's parents anyway, so no need to worry about school or anything."

"That's okay." I yawned and stretched my limbs, noticing how tired I really was. "Any chance you can drop me off at the studio tomorrow? My car needs maintenance and I have an appointment at the garage at 8, so it would be great if you could pick me up there after dropping Sam off at school."

"Sure. You want to go to bed?" I nodded and got up from the couch, saying goodnight to Kate and Jude who were apparently in the kitchen, making their lunch for the next day, both in their pyjamas already.

 

On Monday, I left Liam's after dinner, together with all of them as Liam was dropping the kids off at David's parents. It was a fairly quick goodbye, as the three of them were already waiting in the car while we were still in the hallway. "Call me if you need me?" I added to the regular love you's before I stepped out of his house, so he could lock the door. "I will Haz, don't worry." His smile looked sad though, even more than it had done the previous days. I hated the fact that he had to go through this, that he had had to lose David. It was in no way fair, even if it meant that we could be together now, I'd still rather have him careless and happy with David than sad and broken after his death.

Tuesday was as empty as I needed it to be. I slept in until noon, my phone on the bedside table on loud so I would hear it if Liam called, and then I took a nice long bath before I cleaned my kitchen and made a chocolate cake, just because I wanted to. By the time it came out of the oven, it was time for dinner, and I thought about having cake for dinner but finally decided on getting something more decent and went to the thai take away on the corner instead. I had a hard time not calling him when my dinner was finished, but I had promised to give him all the space he needed and I would, so I put on the TV and watched some semi-funny talkshow, waiting for his call, or at least until the night was over and I could go to bed.

I was in the kitchen, contemplating if I should take a piece of cake or save it for tomorrow night when I'd be at Liams when the doorbell sounded, making me jump on the spot. It was nine, and I wasn't expecting anyone, so it was quite strange that there was someone at the door. I put down the knife, eating cake would have to wait for at least a few more minutes, and went to open the door.

"Liam?" He was gazing at the ground when I opened the door, and as he looked up I felt my heart break at his tear stained face. "Come on in babe." I added softly before I pulled him inside and took his coat off, guiding him into the kitchen where I poured him a cup of tea before I took him to the living room. He didn't say a word in those few minutes, he just watched me doing what I was doing, and sniffled a bit from time to time. I sat down on the couch, and Liam took a seat on the other one, holding his cup as if his life depended on it. I didn't know what to say either, but the TV blaring in the background seemed inappropriate as well, so I switched it off and just sat there, waiting until he was ready to say something. It must have been at least half an hour before I realised his sniffling had stopped, and a few minutes later he spoke, his voice faint and croaky.

"I think I'm ready Haz."

I looked up at him, confused, and he must've seen it because he smiled slightly before he cleared his throat and took another sip of his tea.

"I've been at the graveyard almost the entire day, talking to him, telling him how much I miss him, you know, nothing special. But when I got home, I realised I was saying goodbye to him today. It feels like I'm finally finding closure Haz. I hung around at home for a few hours, and for the first time I realised that it isn't his home anymore. I've changed some things, and you're around so much, and nothing smells like him anymore, and his stuff has slowly disappeared from the living room and the kitchen, all being packed in boxes or thrown away, as well as his clothes. You've got some space in my wardrobe now, and I'm finally able to call it my room and my wardrobe. I couldn't do that a couple of months ago. I cried when I realised it, a lot, and for a long time, and hard, wailing and everything, full option crying. But I needed that. I need to end this chapter of my life. I need to move on. And I think I finally can now."

I looked at him in disbelief, it seemed so sudden, and such a large change, although I realised he was right. I had seen David's favourite brand of coffee disappear from the kitchen shelves, because none of us liked it, and Liam had given me a drawer in his wardrobe last week, when I had returned from tour, because I was with him for such a large amount of the time.

"Harry, I didn't call you to come over to mine because I've been wanting to do this ever since Christmas, and I couldn't, not until now. But I want it so badly and I'm not sure if I can do it in my house, in my bedroom, because my bedroom is still full of memories I made with David. But I want this, I'm sure I do now, and I want it to be perfect, and not ruined by memories or grief. I want you Haz. So, can I please stay here tonight?"

I nodded, not entirely sure if he meant what I thought he meant.

"I know it seems sudden and today may be a really, really weird day to do this, but I'm sure David wouldn't mind. If anything he would laugh at me for being so pathetic about it for such a long time." There was a long pause and I didn't dare to move, I hardly dared to breathe as I stared at him, waiting for him to continue as he gazed in front of him, a slight smile playing on his lips. Suddenly he looked me in the eye, his eyes filled with a mixture of emotions I couldn't untangle, I couldn't read them all, but I was sure love was one of them. He stood up, still smiling and walked over to me, taking my hands to pull me up with him. He stood on his tip toes and kissed me on the lips, softly, and even though his lips hardly touched mine, there was an enormous amount of feelings in that kiss, it made my knees buckle and goosebumps rose all over my body. His palms rested on both sides of my face as he sunk back to his feet. "Take me to your bedroom?" he said, almost whispered and I gulped now there was no doubt left about what he meant with all of this. I nodded, took his hand in mine and walked up the stairs in front of him, not letting go of his hand, as if I was afraid he'd take a run for it if I would.

I turned around at the top of the stairs, my arms wrapping around his waist as my hand still held his. I needed to be sure about this, I needed to see if he was truly ready. His warm brown eyes shone in the half darkness of my first floor hallway. I was almost blown away with what I saw in them, they reflected so much love, more than I'd ever seen in them. The feelings inside were clearer than before, but there were still a lot of things swarming around his eyes, and his mind. Love, desire, and a little bit of pure, excruciating lust. I gulped when I noticed he was trying to see what I was thinking and feeling, but apparently he liked what he saw, because a smile crossed his lips before he leaned in and captured my lips between his, moving them softly against mine. It took me a few seconds to react, I was frozen on the spot, suddenly almost scared about what was to come. When I finally woke up from my frozen state, I started to kiss him back, softly as well, making sure he'd feel how much I loved him. Because I did. More every day, every hour even. After a few minutes, I took a few steps backwards, pulling Liam with me, still kissing him and holding him close until we ended up in front of my bedroom door. I opened it, thanking myself to remember to close the window after my bath so it wasn't freezing in there, and brought him inside with me before I finally let go and went to close the door behind him.

I felt him behind me, and soon enough I felt his head resting on my back and his arms were wrapped around my waist, fumbling with the hem of my sweater. He pulled it up, together with the loose T-shirt that was underneath it. The cold air on my skin made me shiver slightly, something he only made worse when his fingers trailed from the base of my neck to my shoulders lightly, leaving goosebumps in their wake. He pressed a kiss right between my shoulder blades, his fingers following the white scar tissue that ran from right to left across my shoulder blades before they trailed down my back to my waist and went to my front, exploring my abs. I gasped under his touches, unable to stop the shivers running down my spine. He turned me around and kissed me before a soft  "shhh" escaped his lips. I seemed to suddenly jolt awake, as I reached around his back, pressing my palms to the soft tissue of his woollen jumper so his torso was pressed against mine. It wasn't enough, I wanted to feel him, his skin and not his clothes, so I took hold of his sweater and his shirt, pulling it over his head quickly to reveal his chest. I bit my lip as I saw him standing in front of me, he was so, so beautiful. Perfect. Not flawless, he'd never been flawless, even I had to admit that, but he was perfect nevertheless.

I looked up from his defined abs to his eyes, needing to see what he was thinking, and feeling, if he was still sure he wanted this. I shouldn't have. His eyes shone brightly with desire and want, and love, I gulped as I saw it, blown away by the intensity of his gaze. He took a small step towards me and let his fingers run from my cheek down my neck, over my chest and down my abs to end up at my belt, his eyes never leaving mine while he did so. I leaned in and kissed him, starting off softly but soon turning into a passionate kiss, my fingers mimicking his on his own chest. His tongue slipped out of his mouth and demanded entrance, which I gladly gave him, needing to feel more of the gorgeous man in front of me. His tongue roamed around in my mouth, playing tag with mine as they rubbed against each other. I could feel this was nearing a point of no return, as a burning sensation was awakening deep inside me, something I had almost forgotten about, but now it was back and about to swallow me whole. I pulled back, needing another, definite confirmation that he was okay with this. His eyes told me, but I needed to hear it to be absolutely sure and worry-free.

"Liam, are you absolutely positive you want this?"

"Yes, Harry. Yes, I'm sure. Now please stop worrying and let me undress you further." His hands started tugging at my belt, clumsily trying to unbuckle it. Finally he succeeded and he pulled it through the loops of my jeans and threw it on the floor behind him. I didn't want to stay behind, or up front, depends on your point of view, so I undid his belt and popped the button of his jeans, unzipping it when I felt him tug at my zipper. I stepped on my heel, throwing off my shoes and socks in one (not so) swift movement before I let him pull my pants down for me to step out of it as I did the same to him. I saw him gulp as he looked up at me again, both of us standing in my cold bedroom, wearing only our black boxers, as if we'd agreed on wearing the same ones today. I could tell he was indeed really serious about this now, his body's reactions weren't lying. I wanted to step up for once in this process, to not let him think that he was the only one who wanted this so badly, although a closer look to my boxers would've convinced him of that as well, so I closed the distance between us and kissed him again, pushing him softly in the direction of my bed until his legs hit the side and he had no choice but to sit down on the edge. I sat down on his lap, my legs on either side of his as I continued kissing him, our eyes closed and bodies pressed together. I pushed him down and leaned in, so I was laying on top of him. He broke the kiss and gestured to create some room so he could shuffle backwards, onto the middle of the bed. I swung my leg over his and straddled his hips, pressing kisses all over his face, down his neck and his collarbone, nipping softly at the skin, but not hard enough to leave marks. I didn't need to mark him as mine, this happening was more than enough proof of it. He arched his back, rubbing his crotch against mine and I could tell we both enjoyed the friction very much. The otherwise silent room was filled with soft moans, ragged breaths and sounds of skin rubbing on skin.

Soon after, I pulled off his boxers and lost mine as well, I wanted to feel him without any annoying pieces of fabric in between our bodies. And dear god, did I feel him. I kissed and licked every inch of his exposed skin, my fingers touching everywhere I could reach and he did the same thing, making me shiver and creating goosebumps wherever he touched me. Making me moan from the back of my throat and call his name as he drove me crazy.

 

The sky outside was pitch black when we finally laid in the bed together, our breathing still hitched and still not wanting any space between our bodies. We'd quickly cleaned the mess we'd made and thrown the used tissues on the floor, next to our clothes that were still scattered throughout the room. Our legs were entangled and my fingers were tracing imaginary patterns on his chest as we just laid there, silently enjoying each others company and the feelings we evoked with each other.

"I love you Haz." he finally said. It sounded so... sincere, and real, and overwhelming.

I closed my eyes, unable to process everything that he caused me to feel by saying those four words and took a deep breath before I answered. "And I love you Li."

The smile he gave me after that was breathtakingly beautiful, in fact, he was breathtakingly beautiful. I was stupid to let him get away once, but I wasn't planning on repeating my mistake. He would be mine for ever and ever.

 


	38. The beach

He stirred lightly in his sleep, and however I didn't want to wake him, I couldn't stop touching him. He was so beautiful, spread out on the mattress, limbs taking over almost the entire bed while he laid on his stomach, his face turned my way. I didn't know how I got so lucky to get this beautiful man back in my life, to be able to love him and call him mine, but I was planning to enjoy it to the fullest. My fingers had a mind of their own, wandering over his back like little butterflies. 

"Morning Li," he suddenly croaked in his excruciatingly sexy morning voice. 

"Hey. Did you sleep well?" I asked him, unable to keep the smile off my face when I looked at him.

"Like a baby. You?"

"You've completely worn me out yesterday, so yes, I slept marvellous."

"Good. No regrets?"

I rolled my eyes. He had asked me a thousand times if I was sure before we got into bed yesterday, and now he was still being insecure about all this. "Absolutely not Haz. I love you."

"Okay, just checking," he smiled lazily as he shuffled a bit to find a more comfortable position.

I leaned on my elbow as I watched him silently, my fingers still playing their own game on his back. He had a soft smile on his face and his hair was tousled, hanging over his eyes a little bit, but not taking the bright green orbs out of view. 

"You still have that thing with my scar, haven't you? You can't stop touching it."

I looked at my hand and realised he was right, my fingers were trailing along the slightly raised white scar tissue that ran over his back. My jaw clenched automatically as I saw it. I shrugged. "I still hate the fact this happened to you. They had no right."

"Nobody has a right to bully, or to hurt another, but there's nothing we can do about it now Li. It's just there and that's it. You should stop fretting about it."

"Still. But it's beautiful too, in a way. I like the feeling of it underneath my fingers, and it makes you you, if that makes any sense."

"No it doesn't." he grinned, rolling over on his back and pulling me on top of him. He kissed me on the lips and embraced me, his hands stroking my back and keeping me close to him. "So, since you don't regret last night, what do you say about repeating it?" He asked, smirking slightly.

"Can't get enough of my gorgeous body now you've got a taste, can you?" I teased, rolling my eyes at him. "And I would say yes, but the sun is shining for the first time in days, so I want to do so something before duty calls again tonight. We should go to the beach, just like old times. Remember how we always went there in winter?"

"Of course I remember. I loved those trips. And staying in bed with you all day is tempting, but a day at the beach sounds good as well. Let's get up then. I think I might even have some food left to make us breakfast. And if not, I made cake yesterday," he winked before I rolled off of him and let him get out of bed. I watched him as he walked through the room, a bit sorry that he had picked his boxers up from the floor and put them on to head to the bathroom. I smirked at the thoughts popping into my head as I got out of bed as well and followed behind him, opening the door to the bathroom. He obviously hadn't heard me come in as he stood in the shower, the doors already clouded with the steam but still enabling me to see him, his head thrown back and his eyes closed as the water rained down on him. I opened the door and quietly stepped in. He almost jumped a foot high when he opened his eyes and spotted me.

"Fucking hell Liam, you scared me."

"I didn't realise that was the effect I have on you now, you didn't say that last night," I winked as I reached for the bottle of shampoo behind him. 

He rolled his eyes and kissed me, pulling me into the water stream with him. "I don't think I've seen you this straight forward ever before, to be honest."

"Oh come on, surely you remember that time in our hotel room in New York, after Kathleen's wedding?"

"Oh. Oh yeah. I do remember that." I saw him gulp at the thought of what happened back then and smirked.

"And besides, I didn't come in here to have sex with you. I just wanted to make sure you hurry up so we can leave. Now get your head out from under the shower." I squeezed the bottle so the shampoo squirted out on my other hand before rubbing my hands together and then massaging his skull to get his hair soaped. He let out little moans of pleasure, a big smile on his face as I made him take another step forward and started to soap his body up before I pulled him back towards me to rinse his hair and body. "There, you're finished, now dry off and get dressed. Oh and find me some clothes I can borrow, I haven't got any spare ones on me." I pressed a quick kiss on his lips and opened and closed the shower door, pushing him outside. He wrapped a towel around his waist before saluting playfully. "Sir, yes sir!"

I grinned at him before I turned around to wash my own hair and body, following him into the bedroom a few minutes later. I rubbed my hair with a small red towel I'd found in his bathroom cupboard and had a large blue one wrapped around my waist as I walked into his room. He was standing at the window, gazing outside. He turned around as he heard me come in and smiled at me, looking me quickly up and down, probably thinking I didn't notice. I smirked but decided not to say anything, I had been the same before, when I'd seen him walk around in only a towel. I dressed quickly, enjoying the way his clothes surrounded me completely with his scent. We looked through his cupboards but the fact that he was spending most of his time at my house lately made them pretty much empty, and I didn't want chocolate cake for breakfast, so I convinced him to hit the road and get some breakfast on our way to the coast.

We arrived in the village at the coast an hour and a half later. The sun was out and as long as you stayed out of the wind, it could fool you into thinking it was spring already. I enjoyed the warm rays on my skin, closing my eyes every now and then as we walked along the coast line. The water almost looked inviting, but I wasn't foolish enough to test its temperature at my feet. Harry however, insisted after a few miles that he would take his shoes off, and I could tell the sand was freezing, judging from the shivers running down his spine as soon as his bare feet touched it, but he still managed to convince me to do the same. Soon enough we were chasing after each other like obnoxious teens, running around on the dark sand closest to the waterline and laughing loudly, falling down on our backs a few minutes later, out of breath from he laughter and the running. 

"You do realise it's going to take ages before there's no more sand coming off our coats, right?" I grinned as I turned my head to face him. 

He chuckled. "Count on you to think about that, I can hardly think about anything but my toes freezing off. Where the hell are our shoes and socks anyway?" 

We'd left them on the sand when we started running around, so we sat up again, trying to locate the small pile of our stuff. I spotted it first, about 20 yards away, and pointed at it before I got up and pulled Harry up with me, both of us still chuckling as we walked over to grab our things. We sat down on the cold sand, pulling on our socks and shoes again. I watched him struggle with his laces when I was finished and smiled as he cursed when one of them broke off. He finally managed to close his shoes and got up with me, brushing the sand off his clothes as good as he could while I did the same to mine. We left the beach and decided to continue our walk down the streets of the village. Unlike last time I'd been here, about five years ago, on a hot day in the summer holidays, the streets were pretty much empty. My stomach growled, so Harry pulled me inside one of the small restaurants on the main street. We just had a cup of soup with some bread and butter, enjoying the warmth spreading through our still cold bodies. 

"I want to repaint the bedrooms." I suddenly said, causing Harry to choke on the piece of breath he was chewing. "What, it's not that shocking, is it?"

"All bedrooms?" he asked warily, at which I nodded and hummed in reply, taking another spoonful of soup. "Liam, don't you think that's a bit fast? I mean, I appreciate that you want to do it, but I don't want you to feel rushed because of me, or because of what we have."

"Now don't flatter yourself Harry, I'm not doing this because of you." I smiled, but then sighed and put down my spoon to grab his hand and squeeze it. "Listen babe, I know this may seem sudden, but I feel like I have to do it. David will never ever leave my mind, or my heart, nor that of our children, but I realised that I don't need our house to remain his for that to happen. He'll always have a place in our family, but he doesn't need a place in the house. Not anymore. I'm not trying to get rid of all the memories and there will still be pictures of him, of our family, everywhere, but I need to make space. Not only for you, or for us, but also for me. I need to make some space for being just me as well. So I want to change my bedroom, and while I'm at it, I might as well repaint the kids' bedrooms too. Kate has been asking to change the colour on her walls for ages anyway, she's getting sick of all the pink and blue with butterflies all over the place. She loved it when she was 8, but she's growing up, I suppose."

He looked at me intently for a few minutes, finally heaving a sigh and nodding. "Okay. Do you want my help?"

I nodded. "Yes, please. Help me pick the colours for my bedroom, the kids can pick theirs, but I could use some help with the painting as well, if you don't mind."

"Of course not. We should pick a date and if we can get some more people to help out, I bet we can get it all done in one weekend."

I nodded and smiled, relieved that I had made yet another decision before I glanced at Harry's watch. "Shit, we should get back, I need to pick Sam up from school in an hour, and go grocery shopping after that. I've got nothing left in my kitchen to prepare a decent meal with, I figured I could go to the supermarket today, but yeah... this happened instead." I smiled again, blushing a little at the thought of yesterday evening. 

"Why don't I take you all out to dinner tonight? It doesn't have to be a late night, before you object about Sam needing to go to bed in time, but I feel like there should be a family moment here too. If it's okay with you that I consider myself part of your family." he suddenly grew insecure, glancing down at his lap.

I laughed as I threw back my head. "Are you serious Harry? You've been part of our family for months already. I thought you'd know that by now. Sam adores you, he always plays better when you're there to watch his football games and he sulks if you can't make it. Kate trusts you with her life, you're the one she came to with her doubts and troubles about Sarah before they started dating, if that's what they are now, I don't even know. And Jude, she just needs you to keep me sane about all of her relationship stuff. I don't think I need to tell you how much you mean to me now, do I?"

"No, you made that perfectly clear yesterday." he smiled softly, a blush gracing his cheeks as he looked up at me.

"Harry, of course you're part of the family. And I'm glad that I have you. But right now, we just really need to hurry to pick your biggest fan up from school or even a family dinner won't be enough to make him forgive us for being late. Come on." I grabbed my wallet and left the money for our lunch on the table before I jumped up and pulled him with me, out the door and back to the car. The entire way back we behaved like lovesick teenagers, but I couldn't care less. I loved this man, and I was finally ready to move on and leave the grief behind. For the first time in two years, the sadness about losing my husband was not on my mind. He was still there, somewhere, and he would always be, but not up front, and sadness wasn't the main feeling when I thought of him anymore. Just happiness and gratefulness for what we'd had, and the certainty that he would've wanted me to be happy again. And I was, with Harry, my Harry.


	39. Paint job

Sam was literally jumping up and down in his chair, and Kate wasn't much better. I put the cereal and the milk on the table for them to fill their own bowls while Liam was at the stove, making some eggs and toast. It was still incredibly early for my liking, especially for a Saturday, but we had an awful lot of work to do over the weekend, so we'd need the time. I managed to rescue Sam's bowl of cereal from tipping over when he jumped up to grab the orange juice, and looked up at Jude and Ethan walking into the kitchen. I noticed how Liam winced slightly as he saw Ethan wearing pyjama's around his house. He still wasn't used to them sleeping together, but he was trying really hard not to freak out over it.

"Good morning guys. Don't forget to put your sheets in the washing machine when you go back up, please." I said as I gave them a bowl and a spoon as well. They just nodded and grumbled something, making it clear that they considered this too early for a Saturday as well. 

Half an hour later, Jude and Ethan had gone back upstairs to get dressed, but the kitchen was getting filled with people chatting amongst each other, wearing old clothes and stifling a yawn here and there. Liam went to open the door when the doorbell sounded once again, and he came back with a tall blond woman and an equally blond teenage girl following suit. Kate turned a bright shade of pink as soon as she saw Sarah step into the kitchen, running over to her to hug her, and shyly pressed a small kiss on her lips. I smiled as I shared a look with Liam. He seemed to find them as cute as I did, and introduced the others to everyone who already had arrived. I quickly checked off in my head if everyone who had said they'd come and help out was now here, which seemed to be the case, and as soon as Jude and Ethan joined us again, I started teaming everyone up while Liam went to get blankets and plastic covers for the floor and furniture. Kendra and Kenneth would help Sam with his room, Kate and Sarah would paint Kate's with the help from Sarah's mum Erin, Gemma would help (and supervise) Jude and Ethan for Jude's room while Liam and I would paint his bedroom. We had done most of the preparations the night before, his wardrobe already shoved away from the wall and covered in old sheets, as well as the small desk that sat in his room. He had taken the picture frames off the wall and already got most of the pictures out of them. They were now in the albums where they'd come from, and the frames were tucked in his desk drawer, waiting to be filled with new pictures. I'd told him last week that he didn't have to get rid of the wedding picture on his nightstand, but he had insisted on it.

"Harry, listen, no matter if David would've wanted me to be happy again, it doesn't mean I'm perfectly comfortable with my dead husband watching us making love. So, that picture goes back into the wedding album. We can put a picture from the photoshoot in it when we get those printed." He made it very obvious that he meant every word, so I had backed off and kept my mouth shut when he had taken out the other pictures. Only the one from their family holiday in Spain stayed in its frame, but he changed its place so it wasn't on the nightstand on my side of the bed anymore. Apparently, he was really serious about the whole redecorating thing. We all went upstairs and Liam and I gave the last instructions about paint colors and painting equipment before everyone got to their task. 

Liam and I went into the bedroom, turning up the volume on the stereo we'd brought upstairs as Liam started with the masking tape. We were the perfect team, as he was the patient and meticulous enough to put up masking tape and paint the edges, while I loved painting large surfaces with the roller. We sang along to the music loudly, wiggling our asses and swaying our hips as we worked. I was pretty much done with the second wall, the previous yellow-orange colour almost completely covered by the new grey when I felt him wrap his arms around me from behind.

"Hey hey there mister, no keeping me from my work!" I winked as I glanced at him behind my back. 

"Stop being all sexy painting and swaying those hips of yours then," he replied, pushing his body closer to mine, breathing hot air down my neck. 

I groaned, subconsciously throwing my head back in my neck so he had better access but pulled myself together as soon as I realised it. "Liam, you've got to be kidding. We've got a house full of people, only a floor below us. Now behave."

"What if I don't want to behave?" I swear my boyfriend acted like a horny sixteen year old sometimes. I turned around quickly and took a step back, careful not to bump into the wall as I eyed him.

"This." I replied, smirking evilly as I let my paintbrush roll down his shirt, leaving a 20cm wide stripe of dark grey on the red fabric. And maybe just a little on his neck. His mouth fell open as he looked down to his shirt, gasping loudly.

"Oh yeah? It's on Harry, I hope you know what you've started." He sounded a little scary, if it weren't for the smile tugging on his lips and the twinkle in his eyes. Before I could reply, he had picked up his paintbrush and I felt the cold paint on my cheek. I suppressed the reflex to put my hand to my cheek, knowing that would only make it worse and glared at Liam, preparing for yet another attack. I picked up a smaller paintbrush, still holding on to the roller as well, I wasn't leaving any weapons for him to use on me, and dipped it into the bucket before I chased him around the room. I backed him up against a not yet painted wall, making sure he had nowhere to run before I pressed my body to his, holding the hand with his paintbrush above his head. I leaned in, pretending to kiss him but let my paintbrush trail from his forehead over his nose instead. He gasped at my smirk as I dashed away again, only to be the one chased around now. He stopped in the middle of the room, dipping his brush into the paint bucket again as he glared at me. My eyes widened as I caught on his intentions, trying to hide behind the sheet that hung off his wardrobe, but it didn't matter. It was as if it happened in slow motion, I saw him flick the brush, the drops of paint flew through the room, glittering in the sun that came in through the windows, and then they splashed all over my hair and face. Crap. I wiped most of it off with my hand, which I then wiped on his shirt. He was laughing so hard now that he couldn't even run anymore, so I took revenge by painting his face some more, as well as his back and legs, covering his clothes in grey paint until we were both panting and chuckling on the floor, in the middle of the room. A small cough came from the doorway and we sat up to see who had joined us. Kate and Jude stood there, both hands on their hips and shaking their heads. 

"And here we are, thinking you were actually the adults around this house." Jude spoke, trying to scowl but failing miserably as a smile tugged on her lips. 

Liam got up and tried to look serious, asking them if they wanted anything. Apparently all of the others were hungry, so we handed the girls some money to drive over to the pizza shop with Ethan, while we attempted to get a little cleaner. 

We had lunch outside in the garden, where we got some weird glances and smirks from the others at our paint covered clothes, and after that, Kendra, Kenneth and Sam came to help us out in the bedroom since they were already done with Sam's. By five in the evening, all rooms were covered in the first layer of paint so we decided to call it a day and finish the rest of it on Sunday. Instead of bothering with making the beds again and having to spend another hour tomorrow on covering all the furniture again, we went to my house with Kate and Sam while Jude went with Gemma and Ethan. Sam spent his night chasing around after Batman while Kate held Robin in her arms the entire time while she was texting with Sarah and watching TV at the same time. Liam was obviously exhausted, passing out on the couch as soon as he rested his head on my shoulder. 

Two hours after dinner, we all went upstairs to bed, it would be an early morning again anyway. Liam hardly stirred in his sleep as I carried him up the stairs and to my bedroom. I smiled fondly at his relaxed features and I realised how happy he had looked these last couple of weeks. It was as if the second anniversary of David's passing really had been a milestone for him, being finally able to let go and start over. 

When we finally fell down on the bed in his newly painted bedroom the next evening, the entire house still smelling of fresh paint, we were both tired from the hard work, but Liam said he'd want to talk a bit after his shower. So I waited for him to come back into the room, propped up against the headboard with a book in my hands. I was too tired to really concentrate, so I'd probably have to start over the next time I read it, but it kept me busy so I wouldn't fall asleep. I watched him walk into the room in his cute black and blue plaid pyjama pants and put my book on the nightstand, rubbing my face in an attempt to get rid of the tiredness that laid heavy on my eyelids.

"I know, I'm tired too, but I feel like I haven't had a minute to really talk to you all weekend, and I've missed that." he smiled as he climbed into bed and cuddled into my side. He looked cute, a bit like a kid as he laid there, his head on my shoulder, his arm across my chest and his hand clinging to my other shoulder, his legs bent as his body was pressed close to mine. I smiled down at him and played with his hair while we talked a bit. It was nothing in particular, just about the photoshoot that was planned for next Saturday, Jude's birthdayparty the same night and the family get together for her birthday on Sunday. I tried to insist that they'd have the photoshoot without me, as it was supposed to be a family photoshoot, but Liam started his 'you already are part of the family and if you don't shut up and believe it soon I'll whip your ass'-speech again, so I gave in, and even promised to ask Ellen to do the girls' make up for it. They would probably love that idea, especially since their boyfriend and girlfriend would be attending Jude's birthdayparty later on. Jude had been sulking about Ethan not being allowed to come to the photoshoot, but I had secretly promised her I would borrow Glen's fancy shmancy camera to take some pictures of the lovey dovey couple before the party. 

 

Ethan and Jude were spinning around on the hardwood dancefloor that Liam and I had put out in the garden earlier that morning. The weather was exceptionally nice and warm for the end of March, so we decided it would be better to have the party for her friends in the garden instead of the living room. We had just finished their little private photo shoot, but personally I thought the pictures of them acting just normal and very much in love would turn out better. I snapped a few more of them before Liam joined me at the table as we waited for Jude's friends to arrive. He put his arm around my waist and his head on my shoulder as he watched his daughter twirl around and laugh happily with her boyfriend.

"I'm actually really proud of her." he stated softly.

I put the camera down and faced him, smiling a bit. "And so you should. She's growing up to be a pretty, sweet and kind young lady Li. You did a good job on her."

He chuckled but pulled me closer and I could see tears were threatening to flow, so I kissed his nose before I turned around and pointed at Kate and Sarah, who were giggling softly at the other end of the party tent. "And Kate seems so happy lately, and more relaxed than when I first met her."

"Hmmm. She sort of lost that seriousness. But she's taking on to that eye rolling her sister mastered long ago."

I chuckled and ruffled his hair. "I can't wait to see what Sam will have in store when he hits puberty."

"Oh, don't make me think about that yet, please. I think I hear some giggling teenage girls out front, come on, let's go and see their mums flirt with you before they get home."

"Flirt with you, you mean." I added dryly before I got up and walked through the garden fence to his driveway, where we found indeed a couple of cars filled with teenage girls and mums behind the wheel. We repeated the details of the party to their mums, who luckily kept the flirting at bay while the girls fled into the backyard, where we were met with squeals and giggles as soon as we went back there.

 

At 1am, both Kate and Sam were already in bed, and the last ones of Jude's girlfriends had been picked up already. Ethan would soon drive home because Gemma had insisted on him to be home for one night since he'd be back here tomorrow, but now he was still in the middle of the hardwood floor, swaying to the soft music with Jude in his arms. I leaned back in my chair and thought about how obnoxiously happy they looked, remembering how Liam and I had been when we were about their age. Not exactly as careless as them, but the way we loved each other came close to theirs. I finished my beer and put it back on the table when they both made their way to the driveway to say their goodbyes. It was probably a smart thing to do for Ethan not to snog Jude's face off in front of her dad. Because no matter how much he actually liked Ethan, he would not hesitate to rip his head off if he thought he was molesting his daughter. 

"Hey. Had a good birthday so far?" I asked Jude as she'd come back to join us at the table. She nodded and sighed, in that way that only teenage girls in love could manage, although Liam came pretty close if he was being mushy.

"Can I see the pictures you took?" she asked eagerly, stifling a yawn as she took another swig of her sprite.

I shook my head. "Nuh-uh. I'm getting them printed as a late birthday present, they should stay a surprise." I winked at her and we sat there for a little while longer, finishing our drinks before we all headed to bed, needing the sleep before the entire family would join us for another birthday celebration tomorrow afternoon. 

 

I shook my head at the large pile of gifts stacked on the kitchen table as I gathered my things that Sunday night. I would go and sleep at home because I had a long day in the studio next day, and all the stuff I needed was still at my place, and I hadn't been at home longer than 10 minutes for over a week now. I felt bad and guilty about neglecting Batman and Robin like this.

"We'll need a serious talk with all our family members about birthday gifts." Liam said as he walked into the kitchen, following my gaze.

"Hell yes. Three families, but it seems like they brought five times the normal amount of gifts. The kids will turn out to be spoiled brats if we don't watch them." I leaned in to his touch and his chest as he hugged me from behind. 

"Will you be home late tomorrow?"

"Probably, don't wait for me to have dinner. I'll grab something on the way here."

"Okay. Let me know if it will be after 11 though, I wanted to discuss the holidays with you, but it's going to be a busy week, so if you're home that late, I won't stay up."

"It probably won't, but holidays?" I turned myself around in his arms to face him.

"Yeah, we need to decide where we're going. Or were you planning on letting me go on my own with those three monsters?" he smiled at me.

"I hadn't even thought about it, to be honest. I'm not used to that kind of family-things yet. My holidays were always kind of last minute, so I never had to really plan them. But we'll do it sometime next week, okay?"

He nodded and smiled before he pressed a kiss to my lips. We'd gotten better at saying goodbye, as long as it was for one night only. "Call me..."

"...When I get home, yes of course, I always do. See you tomorrow Li."

"See you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too." I waved at him before I took my small bag and walked out to my car to drive to my house, that always felt cold and even a bit strange whenever I stayed there.


	40. Moving on and moving in

I sighed as I put my phone down, after yet another frustrating phone call with the contractor that was supposed to have finished the attic a week ago. As usual when it came to contractors and building, it was far from being finished and the guy had just told me that it would probably take another month, maybe even more. I had yelled, pleaded and sighed, but nothing had helped, there was nothing I could do. I walked down the stairs again, telling Jude to turn down her music as I passed by her door. I was getting closer to the kitchen door when I heard them arguing, again. Less than a year ago Harry and I had been joking about Sam's puberty, and even though he had only turned 10 a couple of months ago, puberty had hit him hard alright. At some times there was nothing left of the bubbly, carefree Sam that we were used to, and he just turned into a terrible brat. We'd had a teacher-parent conference a few weeks ago, and apparently it was the same at school. I put my head in my hands, trying to prepare for what awaited me behind the kitchen door, silently hoping Harry would get it settled before I needed to step in. 

We were officially dating for almost a year and a half now, and I'd talked to Harry about being a parent to the kids as well, right before we'd left on our holiday to Italy. Back then it had all been fine, all three of them were used to Harry being around all the time, and it was only natural to listen to whatever he had to say. He had been a bit uneasy at first, but after a few weeks he was used to his new role and I could tell he enjoyed being a parent. 

"Sam, we've told you before you couldn't go to that party at your football club if you hadn't finished all your homework, and you've done nothing all weekend, so no, you're not going."

"I don't have any homework due on Monday." Sam's voice sounded a little faint, a dead giveaway that he was lying.

"You're not making this easier with lying to me Sam. I know for a fact that you have a history essay and two pages of maths exercises to finish."

"I'm almost finished with that essay anyway, and I'll get that maths thing done tomorrow, I promise." he pleaded, trying his sweet sugary voice now.

"No, Sam, we warned you up front. You're not going." I could tell that Harry had a hard time staying calm, so I sighed and prepared myself to step in.

"It's not fair! All my friends and team mates are going, and it's supposed to be an end of season celebration, because our trainer has to leave just after the final match!" Sam was now yelling and stomping his feet.

"I know, but you've caused this for yourself. We wouldn't even have this discussion if you had done your homework. There is no need for you to try and discuss it, it's final Sam. You're not going."

"Who are you to tell me anyway, you're not even my dad! Just because you happen to be dating my dad doesn't allow you to boss me around." My head jerked up at this comment and I stormed through the hallway, pushing the door to the kitchen open in all my rage.

"Sam Payne. You will apologize to Harry right this minute and after that you better disappear to your room because I don't want to see you for a while. You know damn well that Harry has every right to tell you what to do and what not, he's as much a parent around here as I am. And he is right. you could've gone to that party if you'd done your homework instead of playing computer games and football all day today." I was fuming and I could imagine steam coming out my ears as I kept my eyes fixed on Sam, who now looked torn between remorse and madness.

"It's still not fair." he stated, glaring at me from under his eyelashes.

"Sam. Apologize."

"Yeah, whatever. Sorry." He muttered before he pushed past me and stomped upstairs.

I glanced at Harry who was sitting at the kitchen table, peeling carrots for tonight's dinner and appearing calm, but I could tell he was all but calm inside. I sank down on a chair beside him and buried my face in my hands, elbows resting on the table.

"I'm sorry Haz. He shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine Li, I know he's just mad and he hasn't been himself lately."

"Is this really puberty though? It seems awfully early. At least the girls waited until they were 13, I'd thought we'd have three more nice years with him." I sighed.

"Who knows, maybe just something happened at school? He won't tell us anything though, so we'll have to sit it out."

I nodded, knowing he was right. We wouldn't know what was bothering Sam until he decided to tell us, so we'd have to just wait and endure his temper for now. "Are you still sorry you don't have any of your own now?" I smiled sadly as I got up to get myself a knife to help out with the cooking.

"It doesn't really bother me anymore, to be honest. I see Jude, Kate and Sam as my own somehow, and I'm far too old to have another baby now. I'd be dead before the kid would graduate." He sounded more serious than I had originally intended my question, but the fact that he considered my children as his made me smile.

"I'd like to have you stay around for a little longer than 20 years, but I know what you mean. I don't think I'd be able to handle another baby and the sleep deprivation that comes with it. We're freaking old Haz."

"Don't remind me. It's bad enough that my hairdresser told me I'd better not dye my hair for a while so now I have to wake up to grey hair all over my head. And the oftalmologist telling me I wasn't going blind but just in need of reading glasses didn't help either." he scoffed, taking out his frustration on the carrot he was chopping up. 

I chuckled and ran a finger along his cheek as I winked at him. "Well, if it counts for anything, I think you look incredibly sexy with those glasses, and the grey looks good on you as well."

"Yeah, whatever you say." he replied but blushed slightly at my compliment. "What did the contractor say? I take it wasn't very good news?"

"Ugh. It'll take another month, at least. And maybe a little more money as well. He tried to add on 1000 pounds but I scolded him so badly that he changed that into 300 maximum. I'm sorry Haz, I wanted it to be finished before you move in in two weeks."

"It's perfectly fine Li. I can put my music stuff in the studio and my paper work boxed up as long as the attic isn't finished. I would postpone the whole thing but I'm guessing Erin and Mary won't like that."

I smiled slightly as I thought about the bubbly couple that had bought Harry's house, they were just married and Erin was expecting their first baby in only a month, so it was only normal that they wanted to move in as soon as possible. Harry's moving in to my -our- house wouldn't be a very large operation, since most of the stuff he used daily was already here. It had started with his cats, right after our return from Italy. They had been the only reason he needed to go home that often, as most of his clothes were here already, so I had offered to bring them over here. Not entirely without selfish motives, but that didn't matter. Over the next weeks and months, he had brought his guitar, his laptop, and all kinds of different things he needed regularly to work. 

Around Christmas, we had pretty much decided it was foolish to keep his house, as we now needed to clean two houses every now and then, and keep up with maintenance on them both, so he put it up for sale and I hired a contractor to change part of the attic into a studio slash office for Harry. We'd thought about buying a new house for all of us, with an extra bedroom for him to use, but we couldn't find anything we liked around the neighbourhood, and I didn't want to move to the other end of the city because of the children's schools and hobbies. So we decided on the remodelling of the attic instead, and were happy to find that Harry's house was sold almost immediately. If only the remodelling could've gone as quickly...

"I'm ridiculously excited to have you move into the house." I smiled as I got up, throwing the vegetables into the pot on the stove while I turned up the oven to preheat. There were some left over potatoes from yesterday so I'd just bake them when the roast and the veggies were almost done. 

"And I'm ridiculously excited to move in as well." he replied as he wrapped his arm around my waist, his chin on my shoulder. "Even with Sam acting like a total brat, Kate sobbing half of the time because she had a fight with Sarah and Jude still behaving like a lovesick puppy whenever Ethan is around."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to check on Kate on my way down, I don't think I heard her crying though." She and Sarah had had their first major fight on Wednesday, and Kate had been moping and crying ever since. I just hoped they'd either make up or break up, so they could both move on. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want my daughter to stay behind heart broken, but this wasn't doing her any good either.

Dinner was done an hour later, so I walked into the hallway to call everyone down. The next thirty minutes were spent mostly spent in an awkward silence, Kate didn't look like she had been crying, but she was really quiet still, Jude was moping around because Ethan was spending the weekend at a university he might be attending this fall and Sam was still scolding at us because he couldn't go to the party at his football club. There were only so many topics I could think of to keep the conversation going, so I was actually relieved when everyone had finished their plates and both Jude and Kate got back up to their rooms. Ethan was supposed to be calling in an hour or something so that would take care of Jude's bad mood, and I would go upstairs later to have a chat with Kate. Sam stayed behind, fumbling with his fingers as Harry and I started cleaning up around the kitchen. We had learned it was wiser not to get into another argument if he was in one of his foul moods, so we just ignored him for now. 

"I'm sorry. About before." he mumbled. I was lucky to be right next to him to clean the table or I probably wouldn't have heard.

"I think Harry's the one you should be apologizing too Sam."

"I'm sorry Harry. I shouldn't have said that." he repeated a little louder, his shoulders sagging as he looked up at Harry past the hair that hung in front of his eyes.

"I won't say it's okay, because I don't think it is. But I understand you were mad and you didn't mean it completely." Harry replied calmly, as he finished cleaning the stove and turned around.

"I didn't mean it at all. I shouldn't have said it."

"We understand, Sam." I said, hesitating if I should put my hand on his shoulder. It hurt, deep inside, he used to be my bubbly, cuddly little boy and now I hardly knew what to do or how to act not to put him off.

"I don't even understand it myself. I've been horrible the last few months." he added.

I shared a look with Harry, who's eyes widened and then narrowed as he saw the look on Sam's face. I pulled back my chair again and sat down at the table, Harry joining us soon after, handing us both a glass of the lemonade he'd made earlier today.

"Do you want to tell us what's been going on Sam?" I asked cautiously. 

Before I knew it, he had transformed from a stubborn teenage boy into a sobbing kid. I pulled him onto my lap, sharing confused glances with Harry as I stroked Sam's back, rubbing soothing circles on it and humming into his ear. After a while, he started telling the story, still violently sobbing so he had to stop every few minutes to catch his breath and blow his nose. Apparently he had been bullied by one of his classmates about being a lousy footballer, but that was probably because he had two faggots for fathers. 

"Oh Sam, why didn't you tell us right when it happened?" I said as I held him close to my chest, Harry's arm around his shaking body as well. He shrugged and replied he was ashamed, and wanted to fix it himself, so he started to act all tough and as if nothing could get to him. 

"Do you want us to talk to your teacher about it honey?" He shook his head, insisting that we would only make it worse by doing so. "Okay, it's your call for now. But tell us whenever something happens, please, Sam? We're here to help you." He nodded viciously and gave first me and then Harry a big hug before he ran off to his room, only to come back with his backpack. 

"Could you check my maths homework please? And help me with my history essay? I finished my exercises, and I'll finish the essay tomorrow. Miss Jacobs said I'd fail if I didn't pick up on studying." He was still sniffing every few seconds, but I smiled at him and patted his chair, taking the two pages of maths homework out of his hands to check what he'd done with them. Most of them were right, only the last 10 or something were wrong, so I explained him how to solve those problems while Harry rummaged around in the kitchen and the living room. 

I sent him off to the living room when we were done, and smiled as I heard Harry suggest a game of Fifa to him. It had been ages since they'd played a game together, it was nice that they were picking it up again. I trudged upstairs with a heavy heart, expecting another hard emotional talk with Kate, but when I arrived, she was happily chatting on her cell phone, a blush gracing her cheeks. I quirked an eyebrow and she mouthed it was Sarah on the other side and that she would explain later. That went easier than expected.

 

\--

 

"Are you okay?" I asked as I walked into the dismantled room that had been his living room not so long ago. Harry sat on the couch, the only piece of furniture that was left except for the large cupboard, and that would be gone soon as well. He was going through yet another pile of stuff that apparently had been lying in his drawers for years, deciding what should go in the box at his feet and what could go into the garbage bag next to him.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" he smiled and looked up to me.

"It can't be easy moving out of this house after 12 years and throwing away all that stuff." I replied, shooting a glance towards the pile of garbage bags.

"It's fine Li, it's not what I think of as fun, but it's fine. The things I'm throwing away are mostly things I haven't even looked at over those 12 years, so it doesn't matter. And besides..." he trailed off as he pulled me on to his lap, kissing me softly, "I'm only doing this because I'm moving in with you, and I'm very, very happy about that."

I grinned and kissed him back. "So am I, Haz. I'll be glad if all this is over this weekend though, I detest moving."

"How are things going upstairs?" he asked as he nuzzled our noses together. 

"We're done with your bed and the wardrobe, the only thing left is the desk, but Ethan's gone to pick up Jude from school."

"Only an hour or so left then?"

"Myeah, probably. Which is good, because I have plans for tonight."

"Oh do you now?"

"Hmmmm. You, me, the bathtub. You'll see."

"Can't wait Li." he smirked as he gently pushed me off his lap to continue his sorting job.

 

\----

 

"Ugh, Harry, this is the last box, where d'you want it?" Ethan asked as he walked into the hallway, in his arms the umpthied cardboard box holding Harry's stuff.

"Let's see what I've written on it..." Harry said as he turned to look at his scribbling in black marker. "That goes up to the bedroom. Thanks Ethan. And enjoy putting my bed back together later." A smirk crossed his face as Ethan walked upstairs with the box before he sent us all a wave and headed out the door together with Jude. Ethan had called dibs on Harry's double bed so him and Jude woudn't have to sleep in his small bed or on mattresses on the floor when she stayed over at his. 

I grabbed Harry a can of coke from the fridge and took one myself before I sat down to start unpacking his incredibly huge collection of CD's, DVD's and books. I had put one of his shelves together earlier that day, and we would definitely need the extra space. It took me two hours to get it all out and tucked away in place, not even bothering with arranging it alphabetically. Sam had walked in halfway through, skipping over to me first and then Harry to give us a kiss.

"Hey baby, how did your game go?"

"We lost, but only by one point. And I scored a goal."

"Hey, that's great Sam!" Harry exclaimed from the kitchen, where he was putting away some kitchen aids that he had wanted to keep.

I smiled and nodded. "Well done honey. Now go and take a shower, you smell like a wet dog." I scrunched up my nose and shooed him to the bathroom. He had really picked up his attitude over the past two weeks, and from what I've heard from his teacher his grades were getting better as well. I had dropped a hint about a bully when he first told me, and apparently it had been taken care of by now. 

That night, I laid spread out on our bed, waiting for Harry to get out of the shower, watching our  room. The grey walls looked great together with the new floor length curtains and matching bed sheets, and the black and white photographs from the shoot last year were the finishing touch. I smiled as I spotted the frame I'd given Harry for his birthday last year, he had been insisting on hanging it in our bedroom as it had been in his before he moved in. A lot had happened since it had been taken, but I didn't regret a thing of it. I couldn't help but feel my heart swell with pride as I laid eyes on the large family picture that hung right across from our bed. All of us smiling widely at the camera, as if nothing in the world could ever harm us, and if it depended on me, I would make sure it never would.


	41. Do it again

"Harry, it's time to go!" I heard Kate's voice shouting from downstairs and put down my guitar and my pencil before I got up and fixed my tie and took my blazer from my chair. I cautiously walked down the steep steps of the stairs leading down from the attic and then all the way downstairs, where Sam, Liam and Kate were waiting for me. Both Sam and Liam dressed in a suit, just like I was, and I could hardly decide who looked better in it. Sam had taken up straightening his brown hair, putting his fringe over his right eye and now he resembled his dad even more. He would turn 12 in November but he had grown quite a lot over the past year so he was now almost up to my shoulder, seeming older than his age and his voice would break every now and then. We were glad his temper didn't go back to how it was when he was bullied last year though, but it was probably safe to say that there was quite a lot of puberty yet to come. Kate looked absolutely stunning in her red floor length dress, the same she had been wearing to her school's prom a few weeks earlier, her dark hair flowing nicely down to her waist. Liam fidgetted on the spot as he waited for me to tie my laces, so I pressed a calming kiss to his lips when I stood up straight and took the car keys out of his hands before we all walked outside. 

It took only a ten minute drive before we pulled up in front of the High School where Kate and Jude both went. There were a lot of nervous parents milling around, Liam obviously equally nervous, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly, although I couldn't help to feel a little nervous myself. Jude might not be my biological daughter, but I loved her as my own and I was therefor really proud of her graduating today. I spotted her at the other end of the school yard, blushing as she held Ethan's hand and chatting with one of her girlfriends. She looked extremely happy and beautiful in her light blue knee lenght dress that hugged her body up to her hips and fell loosely around her thighs. She spotted us when we were halfway there and came running up to us, leaving Ethan standing awkwardly with her friends. She flung her arms around Liam's neck and kissed his cheek before giving me the same kind of treatment. "Harry, will you please calm dad down, he looks like I'm going off to war soon."

"You are leaving for the summer tomorrow." he defended himself weakly by my side, earning him one of Jude's famous eye rolls.

"On a trip through Europe, dad, with my boyfriend for almost three years, who you know and trust. It's not even close to war. And I'll contact you every single day just like you requested. Now stop fretting about it and go take your seat in the gymnasium, please." she turned to hug Kate and Sam as well, but changed her mind and turned back to Liam. "And don't cry, please. Or at least not as loud as you did last year at the school play. That was down right embarrassing." I chuckled at the memory. Jude had been in the school's version of Midsummer's dream and Liam had cried his eyes out, almost making her forget her lines as she was so embarrassed with her dad's sobbing.

"I'll try and keep him in check Jude, now go back to your class, we'll go and sit down together with Ethan who looks like he needs to be freed from your classmates." I smiled and watched her run off again, sending Ethan our way so we could all go and take our seats.

The graduation ceremony was nothing special, just the name calling, a few sappy speeches and that was it. It was nice to see how Jude glowed with pride when she received her high school diploma though, and I had a pretty hard time to stop Liam from crying out loud. He only just managed to stick with silent sobs. He quickly wiped his tears away when Jude came over to find us though, not wanting to show her how hard he'd cried while watching her. 

"I take it you're going out to party with your friends?" I asked after we all congratulated her again. She nodded and grabbed Ethan's hand to pull her close to her side. I was silently relieved that the two of them were still together, because it would've made some really awkward family get togethers if they had had a nasty break up. But even through Ethan's first year of Uni in Leeds they had managed to make their relationship work. 

"Don't stay out to late guys, your plane leaves..."

"At 10 in the morning, we know dad, we booked it ourselves. Now don't you worry and go home, have a nice night in with Harry and we'll see you tomorrow, okay? Ethan will drop me off tonight."

He scoffed at his eldest daughter but eventually nodded and kissed her goodbye, waiting for me to do the same to the two lovebirds and grabbing my hand to walk back to the car. We dropped off Kate with Sarah, their relationship was also still standing reasonably strong, if you forgot about their regular and very heavy fights, and they had been approved to spent the nights together recently as Sarah had already turned 16 and so would Kate in just a few weeks time. Sam headed straight to his room as soon as we walked inside, probably to go and chat to one of his friends on the laptop he'd gotten from Jude when she had bought a new one. Liam slumped down on the couch, undoing his tie as he waited for me to join him. I went into the kitchen to get us a drink before I took a seat next to him.

"You don't think I'm being ridiculously worried about this trip to Europe, do you?"

"I think you're worrying too much, but I don't think it's ridiculous. You're being a loving dad Li, that's all." I assured him as I pulled him closer to my chest while undoing my tie with my free hand. He rested his head on my shoulder as he played with his tie that still hung loosely around his neck. "Maybe you should tell me about that date you're planning for next week though, it will take your mind of everything."

He chuckled at my piteous attempt to make him spill the beans about that particular date. Sam and Kate would both be away on a summer camp, Sam with his football club, Kate with the art academy, so we'd have the house to us alone. I'd have enjoyed staying in and finally being able to do what we pleased where and when we pleased and as loud as we pleased, but Liam absolutely wanted to take me out on a date, insisting it had been far too long since we'd done that. I couldn't say it wasn't though, we had both been completely caught up in our jobs and the everyday life in this busy family, but I didn't miss it; not when we both took care about seeing each other enough and spending time together without any kids alone, be it at the house or just half an hour in our bedroom before we went to sleep in the evening or before we got up in the morning. We went upstairs after watching a not so funny comedy on TV. Liam went up to our room already to have a shower while I stayed behind to go and tell Sam it was time for bed.

I knocked on his door and stuck my head around it when he called for me to enter. 

"Hey bud, time to put your lights out."

"Yeah, just a sec Harry, I'll go to bed in a few minutes."

"Okay. Night Sam."

"Goodnight Harry, will you or dad wake me up to go to the airport tomorrow?"

"Yes, no problem, see you tomorrow morning then."

I walked upstairs and undressed, originally planning to wait for Liam to finish his shower but changing my mind soon after. I watched him standing under the shower head, his eyes clothes as he visibly enjoyed the hot water raining down on his body. He was still slightly tanned from our short holiday two months ago. Liam was getting extremely stressed out on his job so I asked Kendra to let Sam stay with her and Gemma to keep an eye on the girls as I scooped him up for a week in the sun. He had spent the first two days scolding at me for leaving the kids home alone but then he started to relax and it had been a nice vacation, away from all the stress and just the two of us enjoying the Caribbean sun. 

I bit my lip as I watched him through the clear glass of the showerdoors, although he would soon disappear out of view because of the steam clouding up the glass. I quickly pulled off my boxers and slid the door open, stepping in as I admired the sight in front of me. Water rivulets were slowly sliding down his tanned back as his fingers slid through his hair, trying to rinse the shampoo. I didn't even need to glance down to see how much he still turned me on, just by standing there. Even at 46, he was the most handsome man I'd ever laid eyes on, he was just beautiful, inside and out. I put my hand on his arm and pressed a kiss on his shoulder, feeling him tense at first but then relax immediately under my touch. He leaned closer to my chest and his firm bum against my groin just drove me crazy with anticipation, already. I pressed open mouthed kisses on his neck and along his shoulder, biting down in the crook of his neck when I came back there, licking the water drops trickling down his body on my way. 

"You're such a beauty Li." I muttered as my hands explored his body, sliding down from his arms to his waist and around it to his abs and up to his chest. I felt his nipples harden under my touch and smiled as he turned around to face me. He kissed me passionately, sucking on my tongue and nibbling on my bottom lip until I moaned in the back of my throat. Beautiful and fucking hot, did I already mention that? His arms were wrapped around my neck but soon he let one of them trail down over my chest, tickling my abs slightly before he reached my thigh, teasing me with slow and light strokes before he found what he was looking for. I gasped and almost inhaled the water still pouring down on us as I felt his hand cupping me. I stumbled on my feet as he started stroking slowly, changing the pressure he put into it with every move. I took a step back and allowed myself to lean against the tiled wall as he continued, looking me in the eyes as he continued. God, those eyes. So much love and lust shone from them, it was driving me even more crazy. I tried, I really tried hard, to keep my eyes open as I let my hand wander down his body and return his actions, but the way he handled me was getting too much, I just had to shut them as I leaned in to kiss him again, it was a hungry and sloppy kiss, as our panting soon even blocked out the noise from the water clattering down on the floor. Our hips collided as we both thrusted into each other hands, reaching sweet release soon enough, arching our backs and stifling a long stretched moan, leaving us panting and blushing in the shower afterwards. I smiled lazily at him before he pulled me close into his warm embrace, nuzzling my face into his neck. "I love you Li." I muttered softly and smiled at his reply. "I love you too, but now I have to wash up again, damn you." I could tell he was smirking but I didn't complain when he offered to soap me up after he had spread the shower gel all over his body. Moments like this were what made me feel so lucky and grateful for the life and love I had. 

 

\----

 

I smiled at him as he gave me a quick kiss before he dashed out the door, already late for work. It had been a week since Jude had left for her adventure in Europe, I was still surprised that Liam had managed not to cry when she left, instead I had been the one wiping a few tears away when they had disappeared behind the glass sliding door leading them to customs and security check. Sam and Kate had both left for their summer camps a few days ago, and today was Friday, the day of Liam's surprise date. We were both working, but he had warned me to be home in time as we needed to leave at 6.30 sharp. I'd tried really hard to get more details out of him, but he refused to say anything as soon as the topic landed on our date. I'd just have to wait and see, I supposed. 

When I came home that night he was already waiting for me in the living room, dressed all sharp in his best suit, looking all gorgeous with his burgundy shirt and black tie under the grey waistcoat and matching pants. I was sure he did it to tease me, he knew I thought he looked damn sexy wearing a waistcoat. He'd picked me out my clothes as well, a black shirt over black dress pants, no blazer as it was warm enough outside but a burgundy tie to match his shirt. I left the shirt untucked and quickly ran a brush through my hair before reapplying my after shave and running back downstairs. I smiled against his lips as he gave me a soft and loving kiss, pulling me out the door soon after. I had given up on trying to find out where we were going and just watched my beautiful man as he drove the car through the busy London traffic. He parked in an underground parking lot and got out, waiting for me to join him and taking my hand in his before he walked towards the stairs. 

I blinked at the sunlight that was still warming the air as we stepped outside and took in my surroundings, trying to find out where we were. It couldn't be far as it had only been a 15 minute drive from the house, and as soon as we rounded the next corner and I spotted the familiar sign above the door, a big grin crossed my face. Julie&Julia's, again. It almost made me wonder if there was a special occasion to come here, but I brushed it off. Liam had probably wanted to come here because we had a history with this restaurant. We'd had both of our first dates here, and it was where he proposed, over 24 years ago. It didn't matter if it was any special occasion, the food here was always delicious and the atmosphere was really nice. 

We were escorted to a table outside in the large garden that held borders of colourful flowers around the edges and a large willow tree in the back. Little fairy lights were spread all over the hedges and the tree so as soon as the sun set, they would turn on and light the garden.

We ordered our food from the cute brown haired girl that had introduced herself as our waitress a few minutes before and spend our time waiting for it by talking softly, holding each others hands on the table and taking in our surroundings. Liam seemed a bit fidgety, but I blamed it on the fact that Jude hadn't sent a message yet before we left, and he'd forgotten his phone at the house. I told him repeatedly that they would be perfectly fine, but it didn't seem to console him. We ordered our desserts and a cup of coffee when the waitress came back to our table to take the plates from our main course with her, and I had decided to go home right after dessert, since Liam obviously needed news from his daughter really badly. I fumbled a bit with the napkin on my lap as he suddenly cleared his throat. I looked up to find him gazing at me, shifting in his seat as he grabbed my hand more firm than before. I quirked an eyebrow, wondering what this was about all of a sudden. He cleared his throat again and shot me a nervous smile.

"Haz," he started, but his voice cracked and he had to clear his throat a third time before he could continue. "Haz, I can hardly believe that I've got you back with me, after all those years. I've been lucky enough to have had two great loves, and I want you to know that I'm not planning on letting you walk away again."

"Neither am I,." said I, not picking up on what he was doing until he smiled and started talking again. 

"I've asked you this once before, but so many years have passed and so much has happened that your answer from that first time is invalid now, so I'll have to ask you again. And before you start Haz, yes, I have thought about this long and hard, and I'm absolutely positive I want this. I'd be delighted to be able to have that special day that we should've had all those years ago, not having to call you my boyfriend when I introduce you to someone. I love you Haz, I've loved you ever since the day I laid eyes on you in the school cafeteria, and even though my feelings have been on hold for twenty years, they were still strong, and they've grown even stronger since the day we got back together. Haz, there's no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want to have a ring on my finger to show you off. Put a ring on yours that tells everyone that you are taken, that you're mine. So if you'll excuse me, I'll just stop this cheesy speech and ask the question I've been wanting to ask for a while now."

I gulped, finally understanding what was happening, but unable to wrap my mind around it. Was this really true? Was he ready to do this? I hadn't expect him to ever be ready for this question, which is why I never asked him, scared he'd be terrified and run off into the sunset.

"Haz, will you please marry me and finally be my husband?"

I tried to speak but no sound would pass my lips, so I pursed my lips back together and nodded, mirroring the smile that formed on his face as he watched me. He took a small box out of his pocket and produced a lean silver band from it, sliding it onto my right ring finger before he got up and pulled me to my feet as well. I was a bit shaky on my legs but his wide smile gave me all the strength I needed to embrace him and hold him tight before I kissed his lips forcefully.

He was going to be mine. Finally all mine.


	42. Finally

I glanced up at the clock and played with the lean silver band on my right hand. Harry had insisted that I should get an engagement ring as well, or he'd feel like he was the girl in the relationship, so we'd gone back to the jewelery story where I bought his the day after my proposal and bought me an identical one to his. We had wanted to wait to tell the kids until Jude was back from her trip through Europe, but Kate had noticed our rings as soon as she saw us that Saturday afternoon, so we skyped her and told them all together that we'd get married. Our plan had been a small civil ceremony, basically just signing the papers, exchanging the rings and have a nice dinner with our families, but that was far from enough for the girls. They had insisted on at least a ceremony at the church, with self written vows, music and the whole shabang, and a party with a wedding cake. They said they hadn't been there for my first wedding so they needed us to go all out on it now they had a chance to attend. If I had let them, they would've hired a band as well, but we really didn't want a large party, so they'd agreed on having just a few friends of Harry's playing on a small reception.

So that was how I ended up here, in a small room at the back of the chuch, waiting until it was time for the ceremony. I knew Harry was in another room, right across the hall, and I couldn't wait to be with him. If it depended on me, I'd gladly have grabbed him and eloped to marry somewhere else, far away from the crowd gathered in the church right now, just the two of us, maybe the kids there as well, but nobody else mattered. But we were here now, and everyone was waiting for us to come out in a few minutes. I hadn't seen him since we'd arrived here, an hour and a half ago. We weren't allowed to see each other in our suits, according to my very bossy daughters. They had even kept us apart from each other in the store where we bought them, even though we were there at the same time, they had just been running from one to the other, checking the different suits, shirts and ties and making sure they matched but weren't the exact same. They did a good job at helping us pick it out though, as far as I could tell, judging from the suit I was wearing right now.

I got up and went to look out the window for a while, waiting for Jude to come and get me. Another thing they had their way at, they would lead us to the altar, first Harry would go in with Kate, and then Jude would escort me to my place at the front. We didn't want to be given away, as it seemed down right ridiculous at the age of 46 and 47 to be given away by our parents, but they wouldn't have us just walk down the aisle together so this was the best compromise we could find. The sun was shining today, for the first time in almost two weeks of rain and thunder storms. We were incredibly lucky, even when it the wind was ice cold, but it was November after all, and we were happy enough that we'd be able to have some outdoor photographs as well. A knock on the door startled me, and when I turned around my eldest daughter was entering the room, her floor length royal blue dress accentuating her long legs and her subtle make up making her beautiful features stand out even more. One would wonder who was the one getting married. She had gone off to college only a month ago, but her trip to Europe and her college life had changed her into a more mature girl, a woman almost, and it showed, even in the way she moved. She swayed her hips in a sort of sensual way now, making her look classy and beautiful.

"It's time dad," she smiled at me as she reached out to hug me softly. "You look gorgeous."

"So do you," I replied, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what was to come. I linked my arm with hers, once again surprised that she was only half an inch smaller than I was, even when she wore only one inch heels. She smiled again, pressed a kiss to my cheek and guided me out the door into the foyer where we'd meet Harry and Kate so they could walk down in front of us. I had just set foot out of the door when I saw Anne coming out of the room across the hall, wiping a tear from her eyes before she looked up and spotted me.

"Oh dear, Liam, you guys are both trying to kill me today, you look stunning as well. I couldn't wish for Harry to marry a better man than you. You're absolutely perfect for each other, even if it took you this long to have this day happening." she rambled, quickly pressing a kiss to my left cheek before she hurried away in the direction of her seat in the church. I smiled and shook my head at her retreating form until I heard the door in front of me open and found my other daughter in standing there. She wore a simple black knee length dress but she made it look sexy and classy at the same time. Her high heels made sure she was about the same height as me and thus a little over an inch shorter than Harry. She walked through the door and winked at me before she made room for Harry to come out. I gasped as he appeared in the door, looking stunning as ever, his right hand tucked into his pocket making his black blazer rest on his wrist so I could see that his dark grey shirt was hanging over his black formal pants. He wore a simple light grey tie, about the same colour as my pants and waistcoat while my dark grey tie on a black shirt matched his suit. He looked stunning, just perfect. He quickly pulled his hand from his pocket and I could see he had been fumbling with the little black box that held my ring inside, the outlines of it visible through his trousers pocket. I smiled and wanted to walk over to him to kiss that sexy smirk of his away, but Jude held me firmly by her side, scolding at me that I shouldn't kiss him until we were pronounced legally wed. I rolled my eyes at her but obeyed nevertheless, sending an apologetic look towards Harry who simply winked at me before he walked towards the front of the church, his arm linked with Kate's. Jude and I followed a few yards behind, Sam beaming at us proudly from his place up front, flicking his hair from his eyes every few minutes because he styled his fringe so that it hung in front of his right eye.

The ceremony went by in a haze, I remembered a small speech from Jude, Kate and Sam, funny and sweet at the same time, making it very clear that they wholeheartedly approved of our marriage, as if it hadn't been obvious before. I remembered Harry glancing at me every few minutes, a small smile on his lips and a dreamy look in his bright green eyes. He looked so happy, so in love. And I loved how I was the one causing it. I remembered the tears brimming his eyes as we stood up to say our vows, how his voice was choked up a little bit when he spoke. His face speaking almost as much as his words, assuring me that he was here to stay, that he would never ever leave me. I remembered his green orbs staring straight into my soul as I said my vows, talking about how I had loved him all my life, how glad I was to have found him again, how glad I was that I had found the courage to write him that life changing letter. How it hadn't been easy but he had wanted to wait for me. And now here we were, telling and showing everyone who was important to us that we loved each other enough to get married, to promise to stay together for ever and ever. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, as he had put it in one of his letters. I remembered kissing him, finally, his soft lips on mine as we both smiled into the kiss, enjoying our first kiss as married men. I remembered how everyone had been clapping and cheering while we kissed, and how the kids and Harry's mum had rushed over to us to hug and kiss us, pulling our hands to their faces to admire our rings. A lot of ooohs and aaahs were thrown around when we showed them, and I couldn't blame them. We had spent an entire day designing and even making them ourselves at the workshop of a goldsmith in the old city centre. It was a rather large silver band, half an inch wide or something, it was matted and the surface looked like it was not properly smoothed out. Starting at the side, there were two small branches laying on top of the surface, one on each side, really small leaves and flowers growing on it, that weaved together in the middle, forming an eternity symbol. I loved them, they were special and unique, and symbolised everything they had to.

The reception was fun, even when we were soon pulled to different sides of the room, talking to people we knew and who wanted to wish us all the best. We glanced at each other every now and then though, smiling, winking, just sharing a tender look. And as soon as the first notes to the all too familiar songs sounded through the room, our heads jerked up and our eyes searched for each other before we walked to the middle of the dance floor. My hands reached around his neck as his arms found their way around my waist, our eyes locked as we swayed to the music, both of us silently mouthing the words to the chorus as they were sang.

_It's times like these you learn to live again_

_It's times like these you give and give again_

_It's times like these you learn to love again_

_It's times like these time and time again_

We didn't want to let go when the last chord resonated through the room and held on to each other for a few more seconds while my head rested against his shoulder, his face close to mine so our breaths mingled until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Kate smiling at me, and I saw Jude awkwardly dancing with Sam behind her. Harry had already turned away to dance with Anne, so I held my daughter close to my chest, and enjoyed the little private talk we could share in this few minutes before the music changed into a more uptempo song. I danced with Jude for a while, spinning her around until she was panting and Ethan stood smiling next to us, happy to take it from there. My dad came up to me next, while Sam was talking to Harry now, a few yards away from where I was. 

"Hey dad, I take it you don't want a dance from me?" I winked as I walked towards the bar, in desperate need for a drink.

"No, I just wanted to say congratulations, again. I can see you're happy with him Liam. You deserve to be happy again, I'm glad you found him."

I stopped and turned to face him, a smile on my lips as I hugged him tight. "Thank you dad, so am I."

"Your mother would've been proud." I felt tears welling up when he said that but I pushed them back before they could fall down, just answering him with a nod before he smiled and went to get a drink for himself. Sam was next up, hugging me tight as he was obviously lost for words. I just ruffled his hair as he let go, standing there with limbs that appeared too long for his growing body. He was growing up to be a handsome young man, who hated having to go through puberty before he got there, but the bubbly cuddly boy was still inside there somewhere, although he tried to hide it when we were out in public, especially the cuddly side.

I felt kind of relieved when people started coming up to me to say their goodbyes. I was getting tired, and I just wanted some rest to be honest. Harry said goodnight to a his aunt and uncle who had just did the same to me before and turned around, his eyes scanning the room until they fell on me. I was sitting at the bar, turning a glass of water around between my fingers as I was looking around, reliving the day in my head. I noticed Harry walking over to me and returned his soft smile as he came over, leaning onto the bar with his elbow while he stood next to me.

"Hey husband." he said softly.

"Well hello mister Styles-Payne. Did you have a nice day?"

"Best day of my life so far, my dear husband. Can you tell I like calling you my husband?"

I rolled my eyes at him and chuckled. "Hardly. And I'm glad you liked it as much as I did. I'll be glad to see my bed later on though. Getting married is so tiring."

"I agree. We can probably grab a cab soon now. I just want to snuggle up to you, my husband, before we fall asleep. And leave on our honeymoon on Monday. I'm looking forward to it."

"Hmmm. Me too." An entire week of having to do nothing at all, except spending all my time with my newly wed husband, what more could I wish for? The next day wouldn't be bad either though, our parents had treated us to a family brunch at a nearby restaurant, so we'd spend the afternoon with our three kids, Ethan and Sarah. 

An hour later, we were indeed snuggled up together in our bed, exhausted from the long day, but sighing blissfully. 

"Goodnight, husband." was the last thing I heard Harry mutter before I drifted off to sleep, already too tired to say something in return.


	43. Honeymoon

I woke up to the sound of Liam giggling next to me. I smiled, despite the fact that it was probably awfully early in the morning, judging from the light that seeped through the blinds. The things this man did to me... I didn't even mind being awake this early, as long as he was with me and he was happy. I contemplated shutting my eyes again and trying to sleep some more, but I couldn't wait to see him again, so I turned around to face him. He was propped up against the headboard, the laptop that had been provided by the hotel (a little strange on a honeymoon if you ask me, but whatever, it made Liam happy to be able to talk to the kids at home once a day, so I let him) on his lap, his finger on the touchpad as he smiled fondly at the screen.

"What are you smiling at this early in the morning?" I mumbled, moving over in the bed so I could get closer to him, basking in the warmth from his body. He smiled and looked down on me, pressing a kiss on my forehead as he said goodmorning before he turned the screen a little bit so I could see what was on it. 

"Daniel sent me a few pictures of the wedding as a sneak preview. He wrote in his email that we should go in when we're back, he's almost done editing and selecting them." I sat up straighter so I could get a good view of the screen and a grin crossed my lips as I saw what picture Liam had been looking at.

"Your face is worth gold in this one." I said, still smiling widely.

"Oh yes, sure, let's just ignore the fact that you are about to ruin your suit by trying to climb up a tree. Before the reception. And may I be so kind to remind you of the fact that you failed miserably and ended up just hanging from that branch as Daniel so kindly caught in this shot."

"Yes, let's ignore that." I clicked on the button for the next picture and chuckled. "In return we will also ignore the fact that you bolted away right after this picture was taken. Because you were afraid of the horse that was sniffling your ear."

He turned a bright shade of red, making me chuckle some more as he agreed to the deal. I scrolled through the rest of the pictures, there were about 10 and they already looked amazing. I smiled fondly a the memories of our wedding day, only a week and a half ago. Originally we should've been back at home, but we had such a great time and wanted to enjoy it some more, so we just decided to stay for another week. The kids were safe and sound at home, I was pretty much my own boss so I just rescheduled everything and Liam had another two weeks before he would start at his new job. I had finally succeeded in convincing him to quit his job, as his boss was just downright taking advantage of him. I had overheard there was a vacancy at the legal department of my management's office, and Liam got the job as soon as he applied. They paid him more and he would have less work to do, and better working hours. He had requested to leave a month between the end of his contract at his old job and the start of his new one, to have time to prepare for the wedding and spend some time together after it. 

I got out of bed and went for a shower to wake me up fully. We had about three days left here, and I was planning on making the most of it. The warmth and the sunshine did us both good, leaving us both remarkably more tanned than before. We'd spend the rest of today going out into the city, have a walk around it as it wasn't really that big, and we would probably end up in the same seafood restaurant we'd dined at almost every night. I smiled at the memory of our first night here. We had arrived late in the afternoon, both jet lagged and hungry, so we went out to find us some dinner and had a little too much of the local beer with it, maybe. We were both giggling like mad men by the time we'd arrived back at the hotel and it didn't get any better when I thought it was only fair to carry my new husband over the treshold. It took us about ten minutes and a lot of bumping into the door, giggles, almost falling and more laughter, but in the end, I managed to carry him into the room and drop him on our bed. A bottle of champagne sat on one of the nightstands, but it seemed like a better idea to keep that for the next day, we were drunk enough already. The jaccuzzi seemed like a plan, but I can assure you it is not a good idea to have a bubble bath when you're drunk. Never have I felt that sick in my life. Except for that night with the bad take away Thai, maybe. And luckily this one passed quickly so I was able to enjoy the first night of our holiday, cuddled up to my husband in the giant bed, falling asleep as soon as we were comfortable. Jet lag sure is a bitch, but we made up for the lack of loveliness the next morning, when we were up at 5am anyway, falling asleep until noon after the nice intermezzo. 

It was nice having Liam all to myself, because no matter how much I loved those three kids, it made time for the two of us scarce and something to cherish. We made sure to have at least half an hour to ourselves every day, but I loved having him for me an me alone for two entire weeks. I turned of the tap and shivered as the cool air coming from the air conditioning hit my bare skin as soon as I stepped out of the shower, making me hurry to grab one of the fluffy white towels to dry off, wrapping it around my waist as I quickly blow dried my hair. I hated doing it as it left my curls feeling dry and I always had a hard time styling them into something presentable, but if I didn't, the humid warmth would turn my hair into an afro style hairdo as soon as I set foot outside the hotel. I envied Liam for his hair at times like these. He had given up struggling with his curls on our second day here and went to find a local hairdresser who gave him a buzz cut. I would never be able to pull it off, but he could. He pulled of almost everything, it was surreal. He could be wearing a pilot's uniform and he'd still look handsome and stunning, unlike me who would look like an overgrown kid on Halloween. His shorter hair brought the grey hairs that were spread all over his skull more to attention, as well as the strand of almost white hair that sat near his temple. I didn't mind, if anything it made him look sophisticated and sexy. 

I walked out of the bedroom and took some clothes out of the wardrobe to get dressed. "Jude says hi." Liam chimed from the bed, still sitting in the same position I'd left him in half an hour earlier.

"Tell her I said hi as well, but I now want my husband all for me again, so quit chatting and take a shower." I winked before I looked around for a belt. 

"She replies you're being awfully possessive but she'll let you get away with it because we're newly weds. And she'll pick us up at the airport together with Ethan Sunday."

"Tell her she's inherited your cheeky ways and get into that shower now before I have to force you. And mind you, I won't be as nice as I was last night." I smirked at him as his face flushed and quickly typed a goodbye to Jude before he shut the lid of the laptop and got into the shower. I waited for him while I read a magazine that I'd bought at London airport and not finished on the plane. He had made it quick and stepped out of the bathroom only ten minutes later, dressed in his boxers only. I subconsciously bit my lip and licked them as I watched him getting dressed, earning me a scowl as he caught me.

"Stop gawking Haz. You can watch me whenever you want, so I'd think you'd be used to it by now."

"I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

 

It had passed way too quickly, but like all good things, our honeymoon had to come to an end at some point. We arrived back at Heathrow in the freezing cold, quickly pulling on the extra sweaters we'd put in our backpacks before we walked towards the conveyer belt to find our suitcases. Jude and Ethan practically jumped us as soon as we stepped out into the arrival hall, demanding stories and pictures, which we showed them, Kate and Sam as soon as we arrived at home and Liam had put our dirty laundry in the washing machine.

On Monday I took a last day off of work and we went into the city to check out the work of our photographer. The pictures were absolutely magnificent, and managed to hold every little memory I wanted to keep. My absolute favourite picture was the one that had been taken right after our first dance. We were both reluctant to let go, and just stood there, holding each other close, his head resting on my chest as my face leaned on his head, both our eyes closed and enjoying the moment. Daniel had done a great job capturing those small moments, and this was one of them. The faint lighting and the black and white of the picture made it all complete, so I asked Daniel for a large reprint of the picture to put in a frame, but he already had it done, apparently thinking it was one of the most beautiful ones as well. He said he'd need another week to work on the album and sent us back home, the large frame in a plastic bag in my hand, waiting to be put up against the wall of the living room.


	44. Five years down the road

I shouted at Harry that it was time to leave, and he came down a few minutes later. Nothing much had changed since he had moved in, he would still spend a lot of time in his studio/office on the attic, working on songs or just playing his guitar, and it hadn't been different this Wednesday evening. 

"Come on Haz, put on your shoes, we need to pick Kate and Elena up from the train station and it starts in an hour."

"Liam, will you stop fretting? We will be there in time, no worries, I wouldn't let you miss this, okay. In fact, I wouldn't want to miss it myself."

"Yeah yeah, that's what you said last April as well, and then we missed the beginning of his play."

"Sam wasn't even in that first scene, and we had a flat tire on the way there. I'm pretty sure that won't happen again. Now stop whining and get in the car." he rolled his eyes at me, fed up with my nervousness, but I just couldn't help it. Maybe he was right and Sam wasn't in the first scene we'd missed of his performance in Dance on my grave, but I was most certainly not prepared to miss on his graduation ceremony. I just didn't understand how Harry could remain so calm with all this, while I was being eaten by nerves. I bit my nails, or what was left of them on my way to the train station, and let out a relieved breath when I saw Kate and her girlfriend already waiting for us near the parking lot. Much to my relief, and I'm sure to hers as well, this relationship was a lot more stable than the one with Sarah. They had broken up a few weeks before their graduation, a final break up this time, and Kate had met Elena at uni, but it had taken about a year before they had become an item. I really liked her, she was sweet, smart, witty and pretty, and it was easy to tell that the two young ladies loved each other very much. Two weeks ago we had gone down to Manchester to witness their graduation from uni, but they had wanted to stay in their student flat for a few weeks before the summer holidays really started and they had to start looking for jobs. 

Harry pulled up next to where they stood and waited for them to climb into the car. Kate entered first, pressing a kiss on my cheek and Harry's next before she settled down and clicked her seatbelt, followed by Elena who greeted us both with a kiss as well. 'Hey dad, Harry. Not too nervous dad?" Kate teased as we drove off again. I stuck my tongue out at both her and Harry who chuckled at her question.

"Only as much as on every important occasions of the last 9 years, so we're probably good with the three packets of tissues in my pocket." Harry replied cheekily. I pouted a bit and looked out the window, trying hard not to warn him about pedestrians on the side walk and cyclists on the road in front of us. Finally, after a half an hour drive we pulled up at the school and parked our car across the street before we all got out of the car. I hugged my daughter and her girlfriend properly before we walked into the school. I looked around for Sam, but I didn't see him yet, so we decided to have a seat on a bench in the sun while we waited for him, as well as for Jude and Ethan who would meet us here. They walked onto the school grounds five minutes later, holding each others hands, their wedding rings catching the last rays of sun that were reflected from the windows at the other side of the schoolyard. They spotted us and waved before they walked over and hugged us all in turn. I was last in line to hug Jude and held her close to my chest for a minute before I let her pull away. I'd only just seen her last week, but it felt like ages already.

"Hey babe, how are you doing now?" I asked with a glance at her slightly bulging belly. She smiled and assured me she was doing better.

"It's fine now dad, really. It has gone back to just morning sickness now, as soon as noon and lunch has passed I feel perfectly fine, well except for being exhausted all the time, but Gemma told me that didn't go away until she was 16 weeks when she was pregnant with Ethan."

"Good, I'm glad you're feeling better. And it's cute that you're starting to show. Although it makes me feel terribly old." She chuckled, joined by Ethan who was done talking to Harry now and protectively wrapped his arms around his wife, hands resting instinctively on her belly. I smiled at the pair, happy that my daughter had found herself a good life, working as a junior associate in a law firm, happily married to her husband and expecting her first child in about six months.We talked some more about the dance class she was teaching, all of us glancing around the ground every few minutes to see if Sam was still nowhere in sight. 

"Let's hope he didn't get wasted up front like those guys in your class Kate, it was pretty embarrassing to see them almost fall off the stage when they went up to get their diplomas." Harry chimed.

"Oh god, Harry, don't remind me of them, I'm so glad I don't have to see their shit faces anymore." she groaned, her nose scrunched when she thought back at her high school graduation and then pointed at the other side of the school. "Looks like he's still walking in a straight line though, so I don't think he's been illegally drinking."

I turned to follow her gaze and sure enough, at the other side of the yard was my son, his brown hair messy, spiking up around his head and the happiness radiating from him as he smiled at the girl on his hand. It struck me how handsome he looked as he walked there, his blazer blown back by the summer breeze, revealing his white shirt with the top button undone. He had refused to wear a tie, as usual, but he looked stunning anyway. His smile widened even more when he reached our small group, hugging us all quickly before he went to stand next to his sister, teasing her with her small bump. I greeted his girlfriend Lizzie and smiled as she told Sam to stop pestering Jude. He sure was a handful, but in the end he was probably one of the kindest guys I had ever met. He walked inside the gymnasium and gestured us to follow. I let Kate, Elena, Jude and Ethan go up front while I waited for Harry to wrap his arm around my shoulder. I looked up at him and stole a quick kiss before he leaned his head to mine, pressing another kiss on my cheek as we entered the gymnasium. "You've done a great job Li, look at them, all happy, successful and three of the nicest, loving and prettiest people I know. You can be proud." I blushed but kissed him back before we sat down in our seat, leaning into his chest as we watched the same boring graduation ceremony as the two times before, although the fact that we'd witnessed this twice before didn't stop me from shedding a couple of tears when Sam received the paper he'd worked so hard for.

 

As we all sat down at the table in the restaurant later that night, it suddenly hit me that soon enough our house would be terribly empty. Jude had moved out two years ago to go and rent a flat together with Ethan, although she had been gone to uni for most of the time the years prior to that. Kate would come and live at home for a bit, together with Elena who's parents lived in Spain, but I was pretty sure they'd move out as soon as they both got a job. Sam would be home for the summer and his first one or two years at uni here in London, but he had already applied for scholarships to go and do his masters degree in the US or Scandinavia, and been accepted for one in Sweden for his second bachelor year, before he'd even started uni. 

Harry was right though, this was a family to be proud of, I realised as I saw everyone talking and laughing together. It was now 10 years since David had passed, and we had managed to survive, as individuals, and as a family, probably coming out of it stronger than before. Nine years since I had started dating Harry, and also since Jude and Ethan had started dating. They still teased us with the fact that they had been together for three more months than Harry and I. 8 years since Harry had moved in, 6 years since our marriage. We'd been through a lot together, but it had all been worth every second of it. We had dessert and talked some more, saying goodbye to Ethan and Jude in good spirits as we took off. Kate and Elena driving back with us while Sam drove him and Lizzie in my car that he had claimed as his since I didn't need it that much anyway.

I had a shower before I joined Harry in bed later that night. I crawled into bed next to him and took off his reading glasses and the book out of his hands, kissing him on the cheek. "You can be proud too Haz, you've been a great boyfriend, husband and parent to those three as well. I know it hasn't always been easy, but you never gave up and you have no idea how much I love you for that." He smiled and slid down under the blankets with me, holding me close to his chest as he softly sang one of our favourite songs into my ear, sending me off to sleep in no time.

_Now you’ll lay me down to sleep_   
_Pray the Lord your soul to keep_   
_That your heart if safe with me_   
_If I die before I wake_   
_I’m sorry darlin’ for every mistake I’ve ever made_   
  
_I could sing you the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard_   
_You could sing along my hummingbird_   
_But you don’t need to sing_   
_I don’t need to play it’ll be alright_   
_I just want you to fall asleep tonight_   
  
_This is a lullaby… lullaby, lullaby, lullaby_   
_It’s just the way I say goodnight_   
_It’ll be ok, it’ll be alright_   
_This is your lullaby_


	45. Epilogue

I smiled as Liam walked through the kitchen door, yawning, and gladly let him kiss me when he came over to where I was, at the counter top finishing a cake while a garlic bread was already baking, filling the house with the wonderful scent of freshly made bread and spices. I had taken up really bad sleeping habits lately, and woke up at 6am most of the time, even at the weekend. And since I wasn't one to just stay in bed and do nothing, I always got up and did something, either play some guitar, read a book, watch a TV show that Liam didn't like, or cook. As I was doing now.

It had been our 10th wedding anniversary last week and everyone was coming over for a small party today. Sam would arrive at the airport with his newly wed wife at 10am. Liam had been furious when he'd found out they had secretly gotten married in Sweden, but he was a little more at ease with it now. It wasn't like they were planning on having kids before they had both graduated from university, but they'd found it a romantic idea to get married in Lapland in an ice hotel in the middle of winter. Typical Sam if you asked me, being impulsive and doing things without giving it a second thought about what his family would think of it. He hadn't even come back from Sweden to tell us, he had just called us through skype and excitedly shown us his wedding ring. I honestly thought that Liam would have a heart attack on the spot. And no matter how he kept telling Sam how irresponsible it was to get married before graduating uni, I knew very well that he was just hurt because he hadn't been able to be at his only son's wedding. 

Luckily for Liam's health he had been the only rebel of the family, if you didn't count Kate being pregnant on her wedding day three years ago, but it was pretty obvious Liam didn't really mind that, as his and David's surrogate had been on their wedding, very pregnant with Jude at that time. The oven timer beeped so I pulled out of his embrace and took the bread out, warning Liam that he couldn't touch it because I needed it for lunch, and put the cake inside before I washed my hands and went to the hallway to pull on my shoes. I'd drive to the airport to pick up Sam and his Lizzie, while Liam would stay behind to clean the last bit and childproof our house. We were pretty much used to having toddlers running around one by one when they came to stay over for a day or a night, but most definitely not three of them at the same time plus a six month old baby. 

I parked my car at the airport, grumbling a bit to myself about how the parking meters their just ate money before I got out and went to buy a coffee while I waited for Sam and Lizzie's plane to be announced. They had some delay, but finally they walked into the arrivals hall, happily chatting together, although they looked pretty tired due to their early morning flight. I ruffled Sam's hair, a habit I couldn't get rid of, even now he was three inches taller than I was and hugged Lizzie as I took her suitcase from her. "Uhm, Harry?" I stopped and looked at Sam. "Is dad still freaking out about us getting married?" I sighed but let out a chuckle as I spotted the terrified look on his face.

"He's used to it by now. But I swear you'll kill him if you ever pull a stunt like that again."

"I still think he's overreacting! I mean, it's not like anything's changed between Lizzie and I, it's just a bunch of paperwork. Isn't that what you said back when you got married?"

"True, but we both had a solid job, three kids and it was your father's second marriage. Slight difference there Sam." He grumbled something in reply before he heaved his suitcase into the trunk. "But for what it's worth, I don't think he cares about you being a married man now, he was just sad that he wasn't there to see it." I said before I got into the drivers seat, leaving Sam speechless next to the passengers door. He got in and grabbed Lizzie's hand, squeezing it while he sought her eyes.

"Yeah, we figured that it was maybe a little sudden and unexpected, so we thought about having a party to celebrate it next summer, at midsommar. You could all come over to Sweden, it's really a great holiday anyway."

"I think you better tell your dad that Sam, but it seems like a nice way to make it up to him."

"Okay, I'll tell everyone this afternoon. How are things over here?'

"Pretty much the same as always, I suppose. Jude told me last week that David was asking about his godfather though, he's turning four in a few weeks." Sam's eyes lit up immediately at the mention of his nephew. He always said that was the hardest thing about going away to Sweden, not being able to see his godchild as much as he wanted to. Jude and Ethan had flown there last summer to visit them but it was always for a short time and all of them hated that. That's why there was never any doubt about Sam and Lizzie coming back to England when they graduated next summer. 

Kate's baby blue Ford Fiesta was parked on the driveway when we pulled up, and a glance through the car window revealed empty wrappers from baby biscuits and tons of stuffed animals stray across the floor and the entire backseat apart from the two babyseats. If that wasn't a giveaway for the presence of two little kids, the loud babbling that drifted into the hallway as soon as we opened the door would fix that. Elena waved at us as she sat in the armchair, breastfeeding their son James while Kate looked tired and desperate to get their daughter Lily to shut her loud mouth for a second. 

Lily's head shot up and her eyes grew wide as she saw us coming in. She jumped from Liam's lap and ran over to the door, hugging Sam's leg and trying to climb on it. "Uncle Sam! Have you seen my little brother already? And you too auntie Lizzie! Isn't he cute?" she tried to grab their hands to pull them over to the armchair but couldn't quite reach Sam's,

"Lily, James is eating now, so leave him and mum alone for now. You can talk and play a bit with us, okay?" Kate quickly interrupted and I guided Lily back to where she and Liam were sitting instead of in Elena's direction. Lizzie picked up on the situation and sat down to pull the three year old onto her lap, asking her about school and everyday life to distract her. Elena came to sit with us half an hour later, allowing Lily to show her brother of now. Sam and Lizzie had come back to visit Elena and James right after he was born, but that had been six months ago already, so Sam was dying to hold his little nephew again. There was no doubt that he would make a magnificent father one day, but for everyone's sake it would be best if he waited a little longer to start a family.

Soon enough James had fallen asleep, and Sam put him down in the cradle that stood in the corner of the living room. Lizzie sat a bit further, playing with Lily's dolls on the floor when Liam stood up to go and set the table in the kitchen. We had bought a new one a few years ago, because the old one was to small for everyone to sit at, but we were lucky to have a large kitchen so the entire house wasn't taken over by tables when everyone came over. I gestured to Sam to go with his dad to talk to him about the marriage, and even though he looked reluctant, he got up and followed him into the kitchen, receiving a comforting leg-patting from Lizzie when he walked past her. I stayed behind in the living room, talking to Kate and Elena about their jobs. Kate was a teacher at an elementary school and at a small art academy while Elena worked as an accountant at some large firm in town. I was just asking Kate if she was coping with all of it because she really looked tired, when the doorbell rang. I excused myself and got up to open the door, revealing Jude and Ethan, each with a sleeping toddler on their arm. Ethan put a finger to his lips, indicating we had to be silent as he walked in and put first David and then Marie down on the other couch so they could continue their nap. 

He sighed before he started his greeting round. "Sorry about that, but they were up all night and they have only just fallen asleep, so if you don't want two very annoying children all afternoon, I'd advise you to let them sleep for a while." I chuckled and patted his shoulder as I went to the kitchen to get them a cup of tea.

Liam and Sam were apparently back to friendlier terms by now, so I told them Jude and Ethan had arrived so they could say hello as well while I went to make the last preparations for lunch, mainly cook the spaghetti and warm up the sauce. I called everyone to the table about half an hour later, Jude and Ethan's two kids still sound asleep on the sofa, as well as James in his crib. Lily was loud and chatty enough to cover for them though, I really didn't know who she had that from, because both Kate and Elena were rather quiet. Kate looked rather relieved when I offered to put her to sleep in Kate's old room, and she was massaging her temples as I came back, Lily having fallen asleep pretty soon, still talking the entire time so she had fallen asleep mid sentence.

"Kate? Are you sure you're okay? Did you want some paracetamol or something?" I asked, concerned as I went to sit down next to Liam again. She nodded her head and hesitated before she spoke, looking at Elena, as if she was asking permission.

"No, it's fine really. I'm just tired, and nauseous at night, so I don't get much sleep while Lily is being quite a handful and James still doesn't sleep the night through."

"Did you go to the doctor's yet love?" Liam asked as he got up to get the coffee. No matter how much time passed, as soon as somebody was feeling the slightest bit ill, he would worry immediately and demand a visit to the doctor.

"Yes dad, actually we went yesterday." she started, but was cut off by Liam yet again.

"Oh, and what did he say, is everything alright?"

"Dad, if you would sit down and shut up for a second I'd be able to tell you." she said and waited until Liam was back in his seat. "Everything is more than alright, I'm pregnant and it's not being a very pleasant pregnancy so far, unlike with Lily, but I'll live."

We were all just stunned and looked at both her and Elena, unable to speak. We knew they wanted more kids, but we hadn't expected them to have another just yet. 

"We know it's fast, but with James it took almost a year to get pregnant and we didn't want to much time between the two of them, so we decided to start trying, but this time it only took once, so yeah..." Elena explained.

"Oh my freaking fuck!" Jude exclaimed, only to be reprimanded about her language by Liam, some things just never changed. She scolded at her father and told him there were no kids around so it didn't matter. "When are you due Kate?"

"16th of June, so sorry Sam, I'm not sure if we'll be able to make it to Sweden for midsommar." Kate answered, shooting Sam an apologetic look.

"Oh djeez, listen sis, I'm not sharing a room with you, let me tell you that." We all turned to Jude who was just speaking gibberish to all of us right now, except Ethan, who pulled her sleeve.

"I don't think they know what you're going on about babe." he said softly.

"Oh right. Yeah, maybe this would be a good time to tell you then. I'll let you have the honor Ethan."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Sorry for that, she claims she can't help it, pregnancy hormones. We're having a third as well. And it's due on May 31st," he quickly explained, leaving us all gawking at them now.

"Oh well, are you a fertile bunch." Sam muttered eventually, breaking the silence and making us all chuckle and laugh. "Don't worry though dad, we don't plan on having kids until we're back in the UK."

"Oh you better wait, eloping to get married was bad enough already." Liam said while he sent me a wink.

"For the umpthied time dad, it wasn't eloping, we were just there and it seemed like a good plan! We're sorry, okay?"

"Now don't be sorry about tying the knot to this lovely woman Sam, your dad is only teasing you." I answered in an attempt to ease the atmosphere again.

He scolded at Liam but soon got a wide smile on his face as he saw Marie and David walking in.

"Mummy, I'm hungry." two year old Marie whined softly, walking up to Jude and holding on to her arm. David was too busy rubbing his eyes to see what was happening, but his eyes got wide as soon as he spotted Sam, and he ran around the table to crawl onto his lap.

"It's not fair Sam, you should come back because now you're far more popular with the kids than all of us together, just because seeing you is so rare." Kate scoffed, hitting her little brother, who was all but little now, he towered over her if they both stood up, in the arm. 

"You deserve that. I get the good stuff now, because I had to put up with two big sisters all my life. You don't know how hard that was!"

"Yes, you're absolutely right Sam, your childhood was oh so tough! It must have been so hard being the cute kid that everybody loved." I teased as I got up to warm some spaghetti for the two kids. He stuck his tongue out at me behind David's back and pulled his nephew onto his lap.

We spent the entire afternoon just talking, watching the kids play and playing with them, until it was time for everyone to go home. Sam and Lizzie went up to bed early, tired from their early morning flight and the busy day, leaving me and Liam alone in the now silent but still messy living room.

"We're so lucky with all of them Li." I sighed, closing my eyes as I leaned into him.

"Uhu, totally. I think this is one of those Harry Potter moments." I gave him a questioning look but he just smiled. "You know, in the end, when their kids are at the train station to leave to Hogwarts, and the last sentence is "All was well." This feels exactly the same. It's been a struggle sometimes, but they all turned out great, and I'm sure their kids will turn out just fine as well."

I chuckled and kissed him softly. "Absolutely. All was well."

 

 

 

_**THE END** _


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